Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 21, 2015 at 9:46am

"I had suffered a lot in my life before this ever happened, with abusive parents, and then very serious and painful physical diseases. I had thought I had given my due to the pain department in life, and that this period of my life ... was for coasting."

Jane, I almost feel like I got tricked somehow. I had suffering, abuse, illness... just clawed my way through it all. I was so deeply lonely, like you, that I had accustomed myself to the pattern of isolation. It was a calm lonely. I had really quit trying to have anything for myself. It took all my energy to keep working with my illness.

D was everything to me, like your husband was to you. He was a man's man happily playing basketball and watching sports, but also nurturing and emotionally mature. I told him once "you are my brother, sister, mother, and father." I couldn't even believe how happy I felt with him. I hadn't ever experienced happiness, just struggle. It's so bewildering why it had to be ripped away from me and so soon. I'm not a bad person, but I admit that it does feel punishing.

And God, what if I have a lot of time left here?? I can relate to what you said, that when it's over it won't seem like time has passed, and time doesn't matter to your husband, where he is. Now, though, day by day, God...

I am back to just clawing my way blindly through the suffering. He with me, but I miss him. I don't even know really how to say ... I don't miss him because he made my life bearable to me ... it's just that now that my life has returned to its former state of continuous torment kind of underscores his absence.

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on November 21, 2015 at 3:34pm

Wow hilary. How I can relate in my own way to so much of this. "I hadn't ever experienced happiness, just struggle. It's so bewildering why it had to be ripped away from me and so soon. I'm not a bad person, but I admit that it does feel punishing." I too feel as though my entire damn life has been nothing but struggle. Thought too this was finally my time to "coast", finally my time to start getting somewhere. I felt the same went for Gary.   

My counselor said to me Wednesday she doesn't want me to give up on myself. Been thinking of that a lot. I don't think I've given up completely on myself but I feel like I have on life. I don't understand what the fucking point is.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 17, 2015 at 11:19pm

Linda, I understand. It is the same for me.  Anyone who says you should "move on" has never experienced this type of loss; even if their spouse/partner has died, and even assuming they love their spouse/partner, if they were able to move on then it clearly didn't affect them in the same way that it has affected/devastated us.

My life ended the second my husband's life ended. I am dead. There will never be any "moving on".  I will never stop grieving.  If anyone tells me "Your husband would want you to be happy", I tell them off -- I know what he wants, not them, as I know him better than anyone else in the universe.  If they tell me I should "move on", I tell them they need to fuck off. I don't put up with it, at all.  Thankfully my family isn't like that, and I've rarely had anyone else be like that either, but when they are I don't put up with it and I will not be silent.

My husband died 3 years ago, and nothing is better; in some ways it is worse.  For me there is no life, there is no Christmas, there is no joy or happiness or anything.  This so-called "life" is not real; this hell in which I currently exist is only an illusion that hopefully will not last much longer. That is how I feel now, how I have felt since the moment my husband died, and how I will always feel for as long as I am forced to remain in this hell. Until I am able to die, I isolate myself as much as I possibly can, because I do not want to be with or see anyone, or participate in "life" in any way. It is completely fucking pointless, now.

So no, you are not a basket case.  I feel as you do, and so do many of the other people here.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 18, 2015 at 5:55am

Bluebird,

Most people don't understand, that our life is pointless, I died inside when I loss my beloved Husband.  He was my everything, I like just being myself and I don't have to listen to all the crap about starting a new life. I don't want a new life, I want to be with my Husband. Most widows I know are ready to go on to marriage or dating again. I can't believe they remove their wedding rings. They must have not had much love for their spouse in the first place.  

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 18, 2015 at 4:25pm

You're right, most people don't understand. the people who love us want us to continue our lives; I know that my family understands how my husband's death has destroyed me, yet they still think I should try to continue with life.  like you, I died when my husband died, and now I am just dragging around my traitorous body while hoping it will cease.

I don't want a life, I just want to be with my husband. that is what I will always want.  I do not understand people who want to date after the death of their spouse/partner, especially soon after.  The idea of touching another man or having anyone else touch me is utterly disgusting to me, and always will be.  I can understand how, for some people, meeting someone else many years after the death of their spouse/partner might be ok -- though it would definitely not be, for me -- but I agree that those who start dating shortly after the death of their partner/spouse must not have really loved their spouse.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 19, 2015 at 6:41am

Hi BlueBird,

I'm with you, I can't stand the thought of another man touching me. Julian was my first love and my last love. Well, today starts another day just trying to survive.

If it wasn't for my little rescued dog I wouldn't care if I ever woke up in the morning.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 19, 2015 at 2:12pm

"Everyday"

'Love can make you do things you never dreamed possible...' 

I got lost, couldn't find my way
and I guess there's nothing more to say
love can make you blind, make you act so strange
but I'm here and here I will stay

So everyday I cry
yes everyday I fall
do you ever wonder why, why I love everything about you

But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still
'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will

It picked me up, knocked me off my feet
I've got no way to explain
still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside
will never see the light of day

So everyday goes by
and everyday I fall
it makes me wonder why,
my life's worth nothing without you

But everyday I say I'll try
to make my heart be still
'cos every way there is to cry,
ourselves to sleep, we will

You'll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no
you'll never know just how close we were
you'll never know, no, no, no ,no ,no
you'll never know
no you'll never see

The book closes and we try to forget
but I know that things won't change
how we feel, how life goes on
and that seems so strange

And so the light fades away
try, try, try as I may
I can't stop thinking about you
it seems my life's worth nothing without you

But everyday I say I'll try
to make my heart be still
'til then every way there is to cry,
ourselves to sleep, we will

Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard
everyday, everyday it gets a little harder

This song puts me to sleep every night, seems he understands losing someone more than anybody I know.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 22, 2015 at 1:28pm

Linda,

Exactly. I have never been in love with anyone else, I have never made love with anyone else, I have barely ever even dated anyone else (only a few silly dates in high school).  My husband is truly my soulmate, and I am his.  He is my love, and I am his. I love my family and our pets as well, but that's different.  I don't care about anyone else (I don't wish anyone harm, I just don't have the emotional energy to give a damn about anyone outside of my immediate family and our pets).

I will stay alive as long as our cat stays alive, because I love him and because he needs me to take care of him (he has some emotional/aggression issues; he would be killed if taken to a shelter, and no one in my family can take him, for various reasons), and also because I promised my husband that I would always take care of him.  But after that, I will probably kill myself, if I don't die of illness or accident shortly thereafter.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 23, 2015 at 7:24am

Hi Bluebird,

I can't believe I found another person that has the same beliefs I have. The only reason I live too is because of my sweet dog, I would love to do away with myself but I believe in God and do not want to go to Hell and never see him again, so I just live each miserable day until I die. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 23, 2015 at 7:58am

I feel the same in terms of only living in order to take care of our cat, and also because I know how much my death would hurt my family, although at some point I know I will tip over into it anyway.

I don't believe in god, however. I was agnostic for many years, but my husband's death has pretty much proven to me that there is no god. Not just because he died -- had he died 30 years from now, it would have been horrible, but more understandable. But my 40 year old husband died one week to the day after our wedding. That is beyond cruel, and no loving god would allow it to happen, so I do not believe in god, but if there is one then I want nothing to do with it. I also do not believe in hell, never have. Any god that would damn its children to eternal torment for almost any reason, really, but certainly for taking control of her/his own death, is not worthy of love nor worship, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not saying you should feel this way, by any means; I'm just expressing how I feel about it.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 23, 2015 at 11:33am

I value your opinion and it has opened my eyes, if there is  God why do all the good people die and bad live.  

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 23, 2015 at 12:03pm

Linda,

I don't want to make you (or anyone else) doubt your faith, I truly don't. Believe me, living without a belief in a loving god sucks; it's much harder than living with a belief in one. If you are able to hold on to your faith, I would urge you to do so. It's just not something I can do.

As for the question you posed, I don't know. It's one of the reasons why I can't believe in a loving god.

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