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Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 15, 2011 at 3:14am

chrissy, I know what you are going through....I will share some of what happened to me here....my mom was diagnosed with cancer last November after having a simple surgery for something else....she never left the hospital....the surgery revealed a ton of cancer in her....she called me and said "Rachel, I need you to be strong, I have cancer"....I just fell apart, my world unraveled....I traveled to the hospital several times to see her, and the hospital was over an hour's drive, but I didn't care, I needed to be there with her....there were times where she was with it enough that she knew i was there and she held my hand, she wasn't my mom at that point, she was racked with illness....chrissy, your mom never leaves you, she is just not physically here, she is still with you, she isn't gone forever, you need to know and remember that, she is always with you, as is mine....I was there the day she died, and I knew she was going to die that day....I bent over her bed and said to her "mom, do you want to go and be with the Lord?" and she said "yes"....a few hours later she was gone, and I know she went straight to heaven, and its a blessing....my faith keeps me going, but I miss her terribly every day, as you do your mom....its very difficult, the missing them, and wanting them to be here....I hope my story helps you, you are not alone....my mom had cancer too, I wish it had not robbed her from me, but she was 80....I'm glad she had such a full, long life.....Rachel

 

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Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 15, 2011 at 3:15am

any time you want to talk chrissy, I would be glad to talk....

 

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Permalink Reply by chrissy m on June 15, 2011 at 3:12pm

thank you so much for sharing your story with me Rachel. it really helps to hear other peoples stories and know i am not alone. it was such a shock, when i came home from work the day my mother told me she had cancer. it felt like my heart sank into my stomach. i just hugged her and cried with her for what felt like an eternity. the first thing she said to me when i started crying was 'don't worry, im going to beat this'

 

its so hard to accept that she is not here anymore. to say good morning to me, to listen to how my day went at work. im so sad that i will never get to share a joke with her anymore. we used to have some good laughs together. its the simple things i miss. i miss her wonderful meals, her amazing laugh and smile and the way that she stood up for everyone and didn't care at all what people thought of her. she was an amazing woman and i truly looked up to her and molded myself around her.

 

i know she is around me; i feel her sometimes. a day after she passed, i was in the basement looking for some pictures of her to use at the funeral and i asked her 'mom , can you please show me where these pictures are?'  i happen to come across my baby book and in the back of it, she had written a five page letter to me, from her which covered every detail of the day i was born. it was so special to find that and really brought me some comfort.

 

i know they are around us every day and watching over us. i know she is helping me in the garden right now, as all our plants and flowers are doing beautifully and i know that is her spirit taking care of us. thank you for listening to me and sharing your mother's story with me Rachel =)

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Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 15, 2011 at 4:48pm

of course I am here to listen, and it sounds like you are going through the same types of things as me....I also couldnt believe when my mom told me she had cancer, I fell apart....but she is here and she isnt suffering, no way do i want her to be as she was in that hospital....I am glad you could find comfort in something, I have a picture of her, a couple, but one when she was about 17 years old holding her accordian she used to play....its special....i also have this book she was published in, a poem....actually if you dont mind I will share it here...its beautiful...my mom wrote it in high school:

 

A SUMMER PASTIME

 

On long summer days when I'm left all alone, I lie on the cool velvet grass; and watch the white clouds with their linings of gold, go floating so peacefully past.

 

The clouds look like pillows delightfully soft, fluffed by the angels above; I watch the clouds dancing with sunbeams so bright, these white downy pillows I love.

 

I'll build a tall ladder and climb up to heaven and there on a cloud I will lie, and sleep there forever in a haven of peace, just me and the clouds and the sky.

 

 

When I read this, I thought of her death and how she envisioned it....it brings me peace, saddens me at the same time, but its a beautiful poem, I hope you enjoyed it....I miss my mom and talking to her and spending time with her too....its hard....

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Permalink Reply by chrissy m on June 15, 2011 at 5:51pm

that is a beautiful well written poem and im sure every time you look to the sky on a clear blue day and see those clouds you can envision your mother up there just like in her poem =)

 

the morning my mother passed i noticed many swallows soaring outside her window (she was lucky enough to be in a semi private room with a beautiful view out a south facing window) when she passed,i looked out that window to those birds and i felt like my mother was standing right next to me and i told her she was free and she could go fly with the birds. every time i see a swallow soaring over my back yard, i think to myself 'is that mom ?' =)

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Permalink Reply by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 15, 2011 at 6:58pm

thats sweet chrissy....the day my mom died, i bent over her bed and said "mom, do you want to go home to be with the Lord?"....she was semi-conscious, but she said "yes"....I knew that is where she was going....it was peaceful....thanks for enjoying that poem, I thought it was beautiful, almost a premonition of hers when she was younger of how it would be when she died...its peaceful and sweet....i love it....thanks hun....

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Permalink Reply by Robin Williams on June 15, 2011 at 7:17pm

Chrissy-

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my moma to a massive heart attack on 7/26/10.  We had absolutely no warning.  She thought she was having a flare up w/ her ulcer.  I spoke w/ her a little bit after 5 that Sunday and received the call at 4:21 am the next day that she had passed.  I never even had the opportunity to say goodbye to her.  It hurts so much that I didn't get to tell you how much I loved her and what an impact she had on my life.  I told her everyday that I loved her but I wish I would have had that 1 more time.  I never thought I would live in a world w/out my parents especially not my moma who was only in her early 60's.  I wish I knew when it would get easier.  As time passes I sometimes think it becomes harder.  Try to remember the good times and all of the love that she had for you.  Write in this forum as much as possible to get it all out.  It is so important to have that outlet.  I only have 1 friend who has lost her mom and she has not been very supportive through this so please lean on the people here and we will all get through this together.

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Permalink Reply by chrissy m on June 16, 2011 at 5:18pm

thank you both for your comments. it really helps to have people to talk to who have experienced what i am going through. none of my friend have lost their mothers at such a young age and i often find myself telling people 'you just can't know what it feels like'

 

Robin, i totally understand where you are coming from wishing you could have said good bye to your mother. i was so glad that i did get to say good bye to my mom when she was still in a concious state a few days before she passed, but i also talked to her when she was not responding to me. the nurse had told me that she could still hear me and to talk to her , so i did. i told her how much i loved her and that i will always love her. even though she is gone, some nights i still look at her picture and talk to her. i tell her i miss her and love her. the worst feeling is wishing i could just give her  a big hug. some times i just hug a sweater of hers , its the closest thing i have.

 

i am so glad i found this forum. i made my account the day after my mother passed but i wasn't ready to talk until this week. so glad i have come to find this place

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Permalink Reply by Robin Williams on June 19, 2011 at 6:19pm

Chrissy-

I'm so glad you did get to say goodbye to your mom.  I hope that gives you a little peace in your heart.  I wore a shirt of my mom's yesterday that I hadn't washed just so I could have her w/ me and still smell her.  I'm sure if I told most people that they would think I was a nut but I know that people here understand and understand that it was comforting even if for a few hours.

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Permalink Reply by mercy on June 19, 2011 at 12:31pm

Sweetheart; I'm in the same boat as you; mom died of cancer a day after your mom. We thought she was getting better too when things took a bad turn.. Because of distance; I could not be with my mom in the months leading up to her death. I'm so devastated, so broken. I feel so empty and like I can't go on another day. I just try to be strong for my 18 month old daughter and family members. I've lost three brothers and my dad even though I'm reatively young. I don't know how to go on. I have to summon all my strength so I can just to get through every hour. I have little support out here. I'm here for you dear.

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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 2, 2011 at 9:41am

Hi,

My mom died 6 days ago - cancer. I have very little support. My heart is empty. I wanted to much for us to go to heaven together. I am empty and see no purpose in the thing we call life. Sue

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Permalink Reply by Robin Williams on June 19, 2011 at 6:22pm

Resee-

 

I'm so sorry for all of the terrible losses that you have experienced.  I cannot even being to imagine what you are going through or how you cope.  I admire your ability to get up and fight another day.  I miss my moma very much too.  I understand about your heart being torn apart.  I feel the same way.  I keep waiting for the magical answer of when it will get better.  It's amazing how other people's lives move on so quickly after a funeral (some relatives, friends, etc) but it takes so much longer for others.  I sadly am one of the others.  Keep fighting the good fight.

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