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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Harvel on June 30, 2010 at 3:29pm

You're the one who was there and felt "maybe we should do this" or That" But she'd say No its not that bad. Then when she finally admitted it was geting bad it was too bad to do anything about. Do i have it about right? Let me know and we'll chat.== Jen

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Permalink Reply by Michael on June 30, 2010 at 5:02pm

Usually that would be exactly the case. This time.. I had worked late and was so so tired. Should have never gone back to work. She said go.. shouldn't have listened. That night, I had said if this doesn't work let me know. Napped and woke up to her getting medicine from the nurse. She must have tried to get me and couldn't so just tried the nurse. But she didn't press it anymore. usually I would be the one forcing the issue. Did that early on but not nearly enough during the night. Didn't press her nearly enough. Went to the nurses and got them.. but it was one of those so so nurses.. all the rest had been so good but this one was so so... she was laying down and resting and I thought she was better... asked and figured out she wasn't... so then I didn't know anything else to do but get them.. was hoping the doctors came but they didn't... not until early in the morning when I called...should have called so much sooner..... by then.......... everything had gone bad.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Harvel on July 8, 2010 at 12:26am

Yes I know about that too. Mom had asked for my bro and sis to come so often. Then just as she was getting better she fell and broke her arm. Bro came to stay for a few months, so she kept saying to go enjoy myself. But I knew. I knew she would and was lying to him about how she felt. then she started bloating with fluid. NO I"m fine. I just had more salt than usual. Again I knew. She waited until her kidneys were 90% shut down to go to hospital... too late. She died after they tried for weeks to get the fluid off. Finally they said dialysis. That morning of the first session she had a massive heart attack. I knew she was scared but i was trying to do like she said and let someone else handle things. I should have stepped up sooner.

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Permalink Reply by Michael on July 15, 2010 at 1:28pm

That's exactly how I feel. She pushed herself when she shouldn't. I didn't catch things that I should have caught. So much that I should have seen. I feel like I had backed myself into a corner. Everything closing in around me and I'm trying to fight other things off and missing things that were right in front of me. I got focused on the wrong things when the most important thing in my world was slipping away right in front of me.... so then.. .before you know it.... you're playing catch up and I didn't catch up. Like you said, should have stepped up sooner. If not with the medicine.. then calling for the doctor. If not that night, then when she first felt bad I should have made sure she went to the doctor. Actually, I should have caught the earlier signs that something was wrong. Sometimes when people are so focused upon giving to others you have to make sure they don't short themselves and as much as I tried, I didn't do that well enough. After all, you love them for who they are, but you also know this about them. I should have known better. I did know better. I don't know how to carry this. She should be here and no matter what they say... there is more that could have been done. I should have caught this. How am I supposed to wake up everyday with the knowledge that I let this happen? I woke up one day and lost everything I have ever dreamed about. I searched and searched for her for all these years.... and when I finally get to the light for me and her... I screw it all up. How exactly does one come back from that? You don't.

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Permalink Reply by Jodi Harper on July 1, 2010 at 9:06am

No matter how much you second guess everything, nothing would have changed what happened. I did everything I could for my husband but it still didn't work and wonder if I'd done this or made him do that, well that doesn't bring him back and it really wouldn't have changed the outcome. Don't get me wrong. I have all those thoughts but in my head I know it's not gonna change the fact. And don't listen to the move ons. The right nows are just getting through the days, one moment at a time. Breathe when you can and cry when you must and screw all the people that tell you to move on.

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Permalink Reply by Michael on July 3, 2010 at 6:42am

I hear all that... but that's not how I feel. If it wasn't that night then another night.. or another day or another time. Everybody let her down.. including me. I see how that night it's like we had so many things to overcome... but other times... I don't know...

I ignore the people... I only listen to those who know what it's like. Just know it wasn't supposed to happen.

I've always been afraid to lose her.

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Permalink Reply by Jodi Harper on July 3, 2010 at 9:04pm

I understand all that..what it it was another appt. or another type of medication or he didn't do this or I made him do that. Those were there choices and we could have tried to influence them but it was still there decision in the end. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. And we are the ones left picking up the pieces now. The days are so hard, when everything reminds you in some way of what you lost and what should have been. I'm not gonna lie...it's harder than anything I have ever had to do...go on without the heart and soul of who I am. Just put on a face so people don't press me for stuff I'm not able to give. Right now if all we can do is take that next breathe, then that's what we do. To be with the one we love we have to go on and one day we will be together again. If you need to yell, scream, hit things, throw things then do it. Just don't hurt yourself and/or someone else in the process. And if you need to vent. I can listen :).

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Permalink Reply by Michael on July 15, 2010 at 1:17pm

People have said that to me... their choice in the end. I simply cannot accept that. It's not that simple. You want the best for them regardless. Sometimes maybe they just need help in seeing it and that's where I went wrong. Not to mention, if there is a way to save her, then that's all I care about, and if I don't or can't do that......

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Permalink Reply by Jodi Harper on July 16, 2010 at 1:14pm

If there was a way.. it doesn't work that way sadly. If there was a way I'd bring him back to me. There were so many options he could have taken, but HE chose not to. I'm the one that has to live with his choices and you are the one that has to live with her choices. It hurts knowing that there are things that could have been done, but it isn't our fault. We had no true control of it. No matter what we could have done, would not have changed their choices in the end and the result that came from those choices. I pray and wish it could have.....

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Permalink Reply by Byron Eugene Jordan on July 23, 2010 at 2:13pm

You are right, in you want the best regardless. And yes when people say to you it's their choice in the end. That is a real shadow statement. Because it is not their choice, it is up to our father in Heaven. But we and the doctors can be used as a tool to help fight and save someone. The only part that I can see where you went wrong is maybe you let the denial get the best of you. But this maybe a natural reaction to the situation for that time. And also could be a part telling you. That her illness is much worse than what they say. And you did not know how to respond to that or maybe you thought. That is crazy thinking and etc.....

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Permalink Reply by Byron Eugene Jordan on July 23, 2010 at 1:41pm

Micheal
I'll try the best that I can to help you here. And this may not help or make things better. So ok suppose you caught the illness sooner. And you acted out and you gave it all the fight in the world to save your wife. That still would not have been enough. You might would still be saying I should have done this and could have done that. Maybe you are a little hard on yourself and I believe that is natural. Also maybe think what would your wife say to you for the pain you feel now? Something that is so hard to grasp, is our time is not the lords time. As you said she was getting better. And that maybe the case but on the other twist for how long? This maybe a question now that cannot be answered.
But you are doing the right thing and making all the right moves by letting it all out. Again like I said at the first I may not be a help. But I do care a lot I have had my share of deaths and been with a couple of people when they took their last breath. And yes no way could I ever understand your pain. Even if I had to deal with the same thing as you just did. Because we all act in our grief in different ways and nobody else but us can walk in our shoes. The part in learn to move on is hard. I'm not so sure if you just learn. You may go by natural act to move on. But no way ever until the day you die, you want stop thinking about your love, and no way will the miss ever go away. And it should not go away if your a real caring human being. But you never know someone may come into your life. That has been or at the same point you are now in and it could be a lady. But by no means will this take away or mean you should not miss the one you loss. But it could all mean that you can have someone to walk in that dark together and find that light to life again. This is the only way it could be possible to move on but not alone. But not to ever forget the deep love you lost. My dad got remarried after my mom passed away. And he talked about my mom all the way before he passed away. True love never goes away and it is not suppose to.
Before I close this novel
My stepmom took care of her mom before she passed away a couple of months ago. Her mom was brought back home and under hospice care. My Stepmom did everything to help her mom and then some. But when her mom passed away. Marilyn still felt she should have and could have done more. But even at that she does understand even so. If she did more it might not have been enough.
Just the best I can say to you. What would your love be saying to you now?

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Carlee on August 7, 2010 at 6:59pm

I went through about the same thing as you did last Novemeber. I lost my husband of who was only 44 years old, unexpectedly from the H1N1 virus. He was sick about a week when we first took him to the ER and they told us that he had an eat infection. The next day he was worse coughing up blood. We took him back to the ER and then they admitted him. Within hours he couldn't breathe on his own and he was on a ventilator in MICU. He and the doctors fought for eight days, then he passed. I constantly feel like I should have done more quicker. My 21 year old son feels guity because he had the flu first and he feels that he gave it to his Dad. I miss him constantly. I don't care about going out and wish I could stay in bed and not be bothered. So I know exactly how you feel. I am so angry that I could scream. I went to my Dr and she referred me to someone to talk too but haven't called to set up an appt yet. I feel like the whole world is moving on but I am not.

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