Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 13, 2016 at 6:43pm

Dear Karen,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could give some advice to your young daughters, but I am an adult, and don't understand the meaning of death at all. I do feel that it's wired into children to be more adaptable, in order to survive. I've had losses as a child, but none of them compare to the prolonged grief I feel now. My guess is that they will naturally cope, perhaps have a remnant of shadow grief as they grow older. Counselling may help them?

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Permalink Reply by Karen O on March 13, 2016 at 7:22pm

Thanks Paula.  I don't understand it either.  I have them lined up with a counselor, hopefully it will help them.  I'm not sure about me.  All I know is everyday I don't know what to expect and every day seems longer than the last.  

I'm sorry that we all have to go through this.  Has anything helped you?  Has this site been helpful?

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 13, 2016 at 7:26pm

I think knowing I'm not going through this all alone is definitely helpful and can sometimes feel like a lifeline. I have also attended grief support groups in person. Nothing is going to change the facts, but I try to stay busy as best I'm able to, which includes creative work (a good channel for pain). I feel guilty because I also have a daughter and feel like I'm not emotionally there for her as I should be, because of my grief. 

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Permalink Reply by Karen O on March 13, 2016 at 7:35pm

I feel that guilt too.  My 8 year old daughter see's the school's counselor and told me that mommy is always busy and sad.  I feel horrible but my husband died suddenly (heart attack) at 49 and we didn't have anything in order.  So I spend my days on the phone trying to figure things out.  

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 13, 2016 at 8:00pm

Yes, that's the thing they don't understand. My daughter told me I'm always sad, too. She is an adult, but I'm still her mom and expected to be strong. I don't feel strong right now!! I lost both my mom and boyfriend within a short time. He was 57. He also died suddenly in a hospital (sudden cardiac arrest). My mom died within a month of her diagnosis and was full of energy and life just the month before.

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Permalink Reply by Karen O on March 13, 2016 at 8:19pm

That's horrible.  I'm sorry sorry you had to experience that much pain in such a short period of time.  Just not fair

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 14, 2016 at 10:44am

I thought he died way too young, but I'm sorry to hear your husband died so young, too. My mom lost her husband (my dad) when he was only 32, and I didn't realize until now how terrible it must have been for her. Now she is gone, too, and it feels like there's a great big hole in the fabric of my life - as if they all just suddenly vanished into air.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on March 15, 2016 at 10:23pm

I just thought I would tell you what it was like for me when my father died. He was 47 mother was 45.

It happened 2 weeks before my 11th birthday. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was the one who found him on the floor in the den and woke my mother up. Ambulance came and I never got to see him again. My mother passed 3 years ago and she never remarried. She was my rock my whole life. I spent a lot of time with a school mate with a single mom and then not long after my 12th birthday I talked my mother into buying me a pony. I still can't believe she did that. I have to say that probably helped both of us heal in a way. We had never had a horse before. This was in the 70's so counseling was not really even an option. I really do think that getting involved in something that you all can do that is different might help. After you sort through all of the things that need to get done. I am still going through all of that since mother left me holding the reins so to speak. Not an easy job for anyone. I was also her caregiver and was the one that found she had just passed away in her palative (sp?) care room. It knocked the wind out of my sails and I am still not over missing her and never will be. We just put one foot in front of the other and somehow keep going. I bought a memorial tree for her today. I hope it works out. Feeling sorry for myself today. Thinking that maybe I could help in some way. Jean

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 16, 2016 at 5:13pm

Thanks, Jean, for your words. My mother also died almost three years ago (following another close death of someone extremely precious and dear to me). I keep myself extremely occupied (although not necessarily social) so that time appears to go faster, but I still just can't get over the absence and everything I do is done with great effort and sadness; but I do it anyway. We were very close and did so much together. I am remodeling the whole house, painting walls, and putting in flooring. I have four pets to care for and other close people (including my lovely daughter) who I try to be there for. I have serious creative projects underway. I'm amazed at what I've accomplished in this horrific grief, as it slows me down and I "did all this" anyway, but there's no reward. I feel like a robot. It's true, those things help, but the hours of loneliness for the ones I miss always comes back twice as strong. That's so sweet your mother once bought you a pony (I always wanted one, too, but never got one, lol). She really put her heart into your life, and so did my mom. She was my rock and my anchor. Now I'm just drifting, lost at sea. 

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Permalink Reply by Jean on March 19, 2016 at 5:33pm

I wish that I had your energy. I went the opposite and stopped anything creative. I did buy a mosaic coloring book and some pencils and pens but other than feeling happy in the art area buying them I just cannot get into it. I am an artistic person and love all animals, we have a zoo here. Cats, Dogs, Fish and also I still have a pony. She is a great big horse that due to brittle bones and Viking disease I cannot ride anymore. We also have an African Grey parrot I inherited when my nephew killed himself one year after my older brother died at age 52 in 2002. I am pretty sure I have major depression due to the never ending doom of my family life. It has seriously sucked since Jan 1999. But you know I just try my best to look for the small happy things everyday and be thankful for that. Not an easy task without my mother because without her I feel very lonesome. I never had children and do not regret that but I wish my husband of 35 years were closer to me like my mother. Drifting at sea is a perfect analogy we just go along until we find an anchor for awhile and then keep on drifting.

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 20, 2016 at 3:06pm

Hi Jean,

Thanks for your kind response. The only energy I really have is anxiety, I think. I just try to re-channel it, if and when I can, but really feel as if a plug has been pulled and all the "electricity" has just gone out of me. I guess that's what has surprised me about being able to get anything done at all. I've had periods, like you, where I really shut down and don't even want to get up. I still feel that way most mornings; it takes me forever for my brain to claw through the deep fog of depression and sort of wake up. I'm so sorry to hear that you've also had multiple and painful losses. In my case, I really do feel that loss has changed who I am. Too many losses, I believe, can turn into chronic depression and I have that, too. It's a bit too much to have so many losses so close together, and I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and nephew. Suicide must bring a specially keen sorrow. I lost several relatively close friends last year, and only one was actually old, which didn't help. My animal menagerie helps get me through the day, too! They really are very healing and do not judge my emotions. I love African Grey parrots and I also had one for twenty years until it got loose and unfortunately flew away. I often wonder what ever happened to that dear bird, he talked so much and was very amusing. Even such "deaths in life" can make me sad, indeed with animals! As far as wishing your husband could be as close to you as your mother was, I've learned that relationships with good mothers are so unique and special, no one can possibly replace that kind of love. No one will ever love me again like that. I miss her so bad it physically hurts!!! We did everything together and everything just flowed so easily. What wonderful memories I have of our times that will not come back ...

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Permalink Reply by Karen O on March 17, 2016 at 9:02am

Thanks Jean.  My daughters birthday was almost a month after he passed.  I am so grateful that the girls weren't home when this nightmare happened.  It was so sudden and we tried everything to save him.  I can't buy them a pony but I can take more time to be with them.  It's so hard right now, have so many things to do.  He obviously wasn't planning on passing away at 49.  

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