Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jordan on January 19, 2011 at 11:27am

People dont understand grief unless they've been down that road before.  And absolutely, your circumstances are different than others. Your wedding must have been so hard for you... Im so sorry, Ash.  Concentrate on the things you HAVE done, however small they may seem to you right now. They are accomplishments.  Its hard to even get out of bed in the morning, but you do it sometimes, dont you? Just know that you aren't alone here. There are alot of people grieving and for me, reading about life stories like yours and trying to reach out and lend a hand helps.

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Permalink Reply by D. Stone on January 21, 2011 at 6:24am

Ash, I know it is difficult and I know you are hurting. This is a good place to vent your feelings. Take some time to breathe and understand that your husband is grieving too, not they way you are, but he grieves because he loves you and he sees you in pain. Your Daddy has turned the torch over to him now..allow him to be your rock and he will be everything you need.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Elizabeth Webb on January 29, 2011 at 9:35am

Dear Ash,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. And yes, that would be extraordinarily difficult to proceed through your wedding with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

My circumstances are different, but really they are the same--losing a loved one. I lost my mother, father and only brother to cancer. I know what it is like to lose a parent. It is hard to do no matter what transpired. I have learned alot through out these years about life and death. Our loved ones always remain connected to us...forever. They may not be here, but please know that your father loves you and watches over you. He would not want you to be sad forever, but to continue to live your life and most importantly be happy. Hold onto all the memories you have together. Remember the good times, laughter and love. Be proud to have been his daughter. I know it is hard. It took me some time to come to this conclusion. But, because of the peace I have found, I want to share it with those who struggle with this void.
If you need to talk please contact me.

take care.

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Permalink Reply by Denise Powers Fabian on January 29, 2011 at 2:36pm

Dear Ash:

I was married on October 10, 2009; my father died on October 9, 2009--the day before my wedding, also. He had been diagnosed the previous April 10 with glioblastoma, an aggressive, uncurable brain cancer (Sen. Kennedy died of the same thing.). While we new it was terminal, he was doing very well and my wedding became as much of a last time to see get together with my dad as it was my wedding. He was only bedridden for 3 days. I was getting a spa treatment with my attendants while being on the phone making funeral arrangements. I delayed my honeymoon until after the funeral, went away from everything familiar, coming back to a six-inch stack of mail, as I was not POA/caregiver of my mother with end-stage Alzheimer's, while also guardian of my 22-year-old son with severe autism.

No matter the circumstances, everyone's grieving process is unique and takes its own journey. The most important thing is to feel what you feel and not try to numb it. If grief is not acknowledged, it cannot heal. If you can look at your grief not just as pain and loss, but also as evidenced that you loved! I have found that now after a year since my dad died, I am still grieving...probably stuck complicated grief as I have had to numb somewhat to carry on my job in pediatric palliative care and the responsibilities I have with my mother and adult son. And yet, I never want the day to come when my father does not come to mind. It's a paradox really: hurtful to remember--but comforting to reflect.

Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad you are here. My closest friends don't get it (my husband truly does), and to care for myself, I have had to take a time out from them...I can't keep up. That includes not even being in a wedding.

You're only three months into this...and what you're feeling is very appropriate and normal. Reaching out here is a big healthy step! I found this writing I have attached very helpful.

Denise Powers Fabian

Attachments:

• The Miracle of the Goldfinches.doc, 246 KB

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Permalink Reply by Ash on February 3, 2011 at 6:05pm

Wow Denise, you have made me realize that I am NOT alone. Thank you for your encouraging words and I can't believe the days were all so close for us October 8,9,10th...

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Permalink Reply by kim marrah on February 16, 2011 at 9:18pm

Ash, so sorry about your loss. My dad died on Dec, 28,2010. He was visiting me for Christmas and seemed to be doing really well. He looked so good,and we were so happy to be together on Christmas.Then on the night of the 28th he took a nap in my recliner and had a massive heart attack. It was horrible,and I miss him so much. We were extremely close also. I know your pain. It hurts so bad,and it is hard for me to be a wife or mother right now. Some days are better than others. My husband tries to understand but I'm like you,I dont think he truly understands because it wasn't his dad.

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Permalink Reply by Megan on October 2, 2011 at 8:26pm

Hi Ash, 

I joined this website because I found your story while doing a google search about losing a father before a wedding. I thought I was completely alone with my feelings but am comforted knowing I am not alone in feeling this pain. I lost my dad the day before my wedding, July 22nd, 2011. I only had a few hours to decide if the wedding was going to happen or not. We went ahead and got married on the 23rd but I was still in such shock I hardly remember any of it. I'm having a really hard time adjusting to life without my dad, we were extremely close and I think the sudden nature of his death is really messing with me (he had a heart attack as well). I was actually out at my bachelorette party the night he died and am so angry and upset that I wasn't at home with him, though I know deep in my heart that there isn't anything I could have done. 

It's been almost a year for you and I guess I'm hoping you'll check in and let me know how you're feeling. I know it's only been a couple months for me but the pain is still so agonizing I'm worried that it will continue to disrupt my life forever. I'm also worried that I will never be able to feel happy about my wedding and marriage because of the death.

Hope you are doing ok, please let me know how the process has been for you when you can. 

-Megan

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