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Lost
My partner of 13 years passed away a month ago; I say partner, we were married in all but name; like any couple we had our rough patches but always pulled through. I would like to use the phrase soul-mates (as corny as it sounds) but it was an instant connection at a party, and when we next met by accident we were almost inseparable for the next seven years; she was only 37.
It was a sudden illness and the doctors still do not know what the cause was; she started having seizures in Mid July and had to be admitted to hospital.
She initially had to go to ICU and be put into a medically induced coma to get control of the seizures but she was fine within 12 hours; afterwards she was transferred to the ward. She had several different diagnoses’, which all proved to be wrong. From July until the start of September she would have clusters of seizures and then start to recover; she was nearly released twice.
At the end of August the seizures stopped responding to the medication and they had to send her to ICU again to put her into another medically induced coma. The expectation that was that she would be fine; after an initial two days they tried to bring her round and she was fully responsive but was still have seizures every ten minutes, the doctors decided to sedate her again and this time they kept her in this state for several weeks. All the readings during this time were fine, she was responding as they hoped but when they tried to bring her round again, the fitting started and she never regained consciousness.
It went from everything being fine on the Wednesday morning to her main consultant standing over her on the Wednesday night saying "oh well, we all know what's next"; no I bleeping did not know what was next; the nurse who was treating her at the time went to get the ward manager who dragged the doctor off as his manner was disgraceful. The doctors, multiple because I insisted on different opinions determined that she was now brain dead and the only thing keeping her alive was the machine. She was taken off life support on the Friday and stopped breathing early hours Saturday morning.
I lost her during those last three weeks and I don’t even know when. I keep thinking there was something I should have / could have done; I just can’t reconcile what happened. I am grateful that I spent every day that she was in hospital with her but also incredibly bitter about how much time I spent away for work. For the last 6 years I have been living away from home during the week and only spending the weekends with her; I had just gotten to the point where my work situation allowed me to be at home full time.
The previous year we had just bought a home together and now that I was back at home we were properly planning a future, holidays, marriage etc.; I feel so cheated by the situation. I made a lot of sacrifices in my personal life to get to a position in work where we would both be comfortable and when I finally got where I wanted to be, my personal life is totally destroyed. I have returned to work but am only going through the motions; I just don’t care about it, in many ways it is worse than that, as I am bitter that it robbed me of the time I should have been spending with the person I loved.
I have some good friends and family who are trying to help but I am deliberately trying to stay away from social situations; I feel like I am going to have a panic attack when I leave the house (which further makes work fun). The funny thing is, as far as everyone else is concerned, everything is fine; I’ve always been good at putting on a good public face; the only one I ever spoke to about my insecurities and concerns was my partner and now it seems like it is you good people reading this.
I really don’t know what to do, I’ve never been so lost before; I always had some form of plan, some goal to reach towards, now I just don’t care about anything and just feel numb. The first month I just stayed on the sofa watching box-sets; not really taking any of it in, just something to have on in the background. I still do the same thing when I return from work. I have no idea anymore what the future holds and am not really sure if I care; all I can think about is my beloved Kristina and what I have lost.
To my beloved; I love you, I believe I have done from that first moment and will do, always.
If you have managed to reach this stage, thank you for reading.
Tags: Lost
Views: 297
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by morgan on
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Oh I read it all Craig…….word after word revealing the utter anguish, the questions, the guilt, the anger but most of all the endless void. Yes, I read it all and as I read it I saw myself sitting in your chair at your computer crying the same stinging tears. It's a horrible place to be. The hardest thing I have ever encountered and the same for you. You will not bounce back from this very easily. At 21 months I wonder if I will ever bounce back. That is not negativity but just the cold hard facts. When I was at your point I managed to go back to work for about six months and during that time I realized I would not be able to hold down much of what I had been doing as it required too much focus. I ended up leaving my place of employ. I sold our home because I knew I could no longer keep up the huge investment it required every month and from the proceeds bought into a cheaper living situation. The stress of having to keep up huge payments would be too much for me and I would have to keep working. Most of those changes I staggered through. My mind has beed fried from all the crying. To this day I have no idea why I am alive. I can hardly eat , my sleep rhythms are non existent and during all of it I have begged the universe to just let me go. Seriously, I have been on my knees in the depth of a hole I didn't know could be so deep scratching up the sides wondering WHY? Why to all of it.
This is just to let you know you are not alone. They are so many of us walking around doing the exact same thing you are and most are pretending. They pull on a mask and try to function while inside they are being eaten up. You were robbed. Of the most precious thing you will ever know. Love. You’ve been cheated because you have had to shake hands with death and on its terms. Your beloved was taken from you in the most cruel way (not that death is normally a welcome place). I am sorry for that. Because now you want answers and there are none.
I surround myself with images on paper and its supposed to be enough….. hogwash. I stay so busy to the point of distraction that I feel like Groundhog Day never ends. You will do the same thing. It's what we all do when we lose the most important person in our lives. The person who knew us better than anyone. They loved us for who we were. Through all the struggles and sacrifices they were always there with a kiss. A word of love.
I am not sure who I wrote this comment for now, me or you. Every day I go through the same thing with little variation. I miss my husband as much today as I did 21 months ago when he died. We were together 35 years and I simply cannot nor do I want to live alone. I anxiously await my own end and eat very little in order to try and hasten it. It's the only way I can think of to do it without guilt.
It's pretty obvious I have no good advice or am much help. The best I can say is that you are not walking on this particular path alone. There are many of us. Family and frinds cannot understand the depth of your grief. We do. We are living it. I guess the only thing that I do that I would say is to take baby steps. Do what you feel not what you have to. I am not religious and have ended up studying physics to try and see what answers science seems to have come up with for this "cycle of life". Otherwise just know you really don't get over it…….you just muddle your way through it the best you can. On your terms. I quit using the word should, I just don’t care anymore.
These kinds of websites are the best salve. I just recently found this one and seem to be more engaged for the time being. I got on here because one other commenter honestly expressed her own feelings and they were mine without all the goody goody talk. This is the most difficult thing you will ever do Craig. Small steps and don't beat yourself up too much. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Wish it was different for you.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hugs to you. My husband died two years ago, and we had been together for nearly 13 years as well (though only legally married for one week), so I know the hell in which we live (I can't know exactly what it's like for you, of course, since only you and your beloved are in your particular relationship). I'm sorry you are in this too.
I completely understand feeling numb, not wanting to do anything, not having any interest in anything or caring about anything. It's the same for me.
I wish you peace.
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So sorry for your loss Craig. Everyone here has lost someone very important in their lives, and are struggling like you, to get answers, and understand why it happened. You may never find out, thats the harsh reality. I lost my partner of 7 years 4 weeks ago today. I came here looking for people to help me through this, and have met some very nice people who have helped more than they`ll ever know. No-one here will judge, we are all in the same boat. I cry for my Eddie every day, and doubt i`ll ever stop. I feel robbed, and my life as i know it is over, as yours is. Now we need to go on and make a new life, even if we dont want to. Easier said than done, i know, and i`m still not thinking ahead. Talking really does help, as everyone here does know what you`re going through. My door is always open if you need to chat.
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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Thank You m morgan I've written lots of poems on my grief journey they are all on my page (under photos). Writing helps me express my grief.
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I'm very sorry for your loss.
There are no words that I can say to make you hurt less. Just know that there is comfort knowing you are not alone. I lost my mother 8 weeks ago and the pain is the Realestate thing I feel. She was my support , my best friend. The only person I actually wanted to tell everything to. She passed suddenly and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am somehow to blame. Like you I work, and I worked a lot. I now am in a position that I have more free time and she s gone. I wish there was a way to make things better , to reach closure and absolutely know that everything will be ok In The end. But all there is is speculation in the end.
Craig , I appreciate you're honesty and you are far from being alone. I understand you front and I put on the same one. No one gets it cause it never happened to them. I hope you find something that will settle your saddness. Good Luck !
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and this situation will make you stronger and learn to not take things for granted.
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