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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 7, 2014 at 1:15pm

I understand. Do what you need to do, however you need to do it. I understand how anything can set you off, even a scent. It's the same for me. And all the days do run together, because none of them mean anything to me now. Me, i cry whenever and wherever i feel like crying, which is always and everywhere. I don't cry every moment, but many of them, and i refuse to hold back. This is how it is for me now, why should i pretend otherwise? Especially around strangers. I don't want to see or spend time with anyone, whether they know my husband or not. Except i spend a bit of time with my sister and her husband, and a little bit with my Mom (my Dad lives further away). I just want to sit in bed and die. Literally, and as soon as possible.

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on October 8, 2014 at 12:52am

Oh Bluebird our sentiment is so similar & I know exactly how you feel. I have not been able to talk to my sons or anyone else about my feelings. When I told my youngest that I had a power of attorney in place with my DIL he was fine with it. When I told him I had an advance directive with a DNR in place he went ballistic. He acused me of being selfish & thinking of myself & not all my grandkids & he was right. My grandkids have parents that love them & extended family that are not drowning in grief. I am selfish & damn it I have a right to be. I raised my boys & I have spent the last 7 1/2 years being the primary caretaker of the triplets. I cannot describe to him how empty I am & I don't feel like I should have to! I am existing minute by minute & unless you have been where I am you can't understand & he doesn't understand that. I can't even begin to describe it to him because I think in his heart he has not accepted that his dad is gone. He has not been to our house since the night his dad passed. I see him & my grandson at ball games & that's about the extent of it. I know he's hurting but I can't help him right now. Our middle son is the triplets dad & we have always been very close. He has to deal with me everyday because we live in attached houses & I take care of the kids. I see him watching me & trying to judge how I'm doing but we don't talk about it. A couple weeks ago I was leaving his house & I told him I was wiped out. He asked if the kids were wearing me out & I told him no it was just a rough day. I started to cry & got out of there as fast as I could because I knew if he tried to talk to me I would lose it. My husband & I used to have a couple of drinks, I had wine every evening before bed. I have been drinking a lot of wine since he has passed but it does not stop my thoughts. I always hope tommorow will be a better day, but as you know there is no break from day to day. It's a never ending carousel that has no beginning or end.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 8, 2014 at 9:51pm

Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you feel, maybe a friend? Of course, you can always "talk" about it all here, too. 

I understand why your son feels as he does about the DNR, but he needs to understand that you can't live just for them. That's something I didn't used to understand, but now i do. Maybe after some more time passes you can have an honest conversation with him about all this.

I intend to also create an advance directive with a DNR, though I'm sure my family won't like the idea. But I'm only 46, so who knows when that will come into play.  All I can do is hope that my unhealthy lifestyle (I don't eat well and I get no exercise) will give me an instantly fatal heart attack soon. I wish I could start drinking a lot or doing drugs, but I can't. I just don't like the taste of alcohol, and I don't have more than five or ten drinks in a year.  And I've never done drugs (aside from those prescribed to me for anxiety), and besides, I could never afford them.

If you don't have problems with addiction, you might want to talk to your doctor about sleeping pills. I have Lunesta, though I take it only occasionally -- I find that it works really well to knock me out, but it also leaves a bad, metallic sort of taste my mouth the entire next day (a known side effect).  I only take the Lunesta when i'm feeling even worse than usual; otherwise, I take two Benadryl every night to help me sleep.

 

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Permalink Reply by morgan on July 7, 2015 at 4:42pm

What I wouldn't do to have my husband back in my arms.  I look at a picture of him and I knew what he was feeling at that moment and all I want is that experience again.  No matter how busy I can keep myself nothing is going to have me feel that kind of love I had.  

Today is not as bad as some others but I cannot explain how aimless my life has become.  As lucky as I was to have shared the true grit of life with someone who loved me so much I am now desolate.  I want for nothing more than to be released from the future.  Every day is no longer a gift.  They say be careful what you wish for.  I can only hope my wish comes true.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 12, 2015 at 5:34pm

Shirley, I'm sorry you had two husbands die.

And while I thank you for your good thoughts/intentions, personally I do not believe there is any god, and if there is one (or more) I don't think it is the Christian version.  That said, it's good that your faith helps you, and I absolutely respect everyone's right to her/his own faith.  But if there were a god who was going to bless me and keep me in its loving arms, it would not have allowed my husband to die one week after our wedding, at age 40. 

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Permalink Reply by Isabel Bammer on July 16, 2015 at 10:37pm

Hi Pauline!Very sorry for your loss!I lost muy husband a year ago and I agree With you,there is a before and after when we lose a loved one! But I want to tell you,that they aré with us ( not physically,but spiritualy)!Although it is difficult to understand, but it is true! I miss my husband very much and I kwnow that muy life will be different without him,but we should go on and try to involve ourselves doing things for us, for others,get busy! I am 69 years old,I dont know your age,but slowly try to do things that in the past you couldnt!Things that you like!Anyhow, I dont know if my words have helped you! All the best ! Isabel

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Permalink Reply by stewart p on August 14, 2015 at 10:45pm

I just passed my 2 year mark and waiting to see what 3 will be like after losing my wife of 23 years unexpectedly.  Has life changed?  Every which way and then some, and its frightening at times to think about how much more it will change as i begin to adapt to a new life.  And IMHO, that is what this is all about.  At least this is how I feel now and have for a while, but as you all know how we feel in a month from now take me on completely new twist or journey.  But for now IMHO, adapt.  Some say it gets better with time, Im not so sure it gets "better" as much as I learn to adapt, to adjust to a new life without my wife.  I just start getting use to doing things on my own, making my own decisions.  Pretty much how it once was before we ever met.  Its hard to accept and return to that but of course none of us have a choice.  The first few months were much rougher going, and I wrote a lot, vegetated a lot, and went to many bereavement group meetings.  These past few months Ive started to identify and write out things I might like to do as in goals.  I have several and often times I let them expire because I dont really feel like it once I get to the point of doing it.  But I do some, and certainly more than I did the first year without her.  I think its important to pick yourself up and find some simple activities you might enjoy doing, at least try them out, probably alone as Ive done.  And if you miss a few as I have dont get down on yourself, tell yourself its ok, its just part of the grief process, and however long that takes it takes.  I don't bother explaining it to anyone anymore or talk about except with those who have experienced a similar loss as in my group, which I don't go every week anymore, but maybe once every couple of months, just to say hi and see how everyone else is doing.

Ive also commenced to trying to identify what I want out of my life from here going forward.  One thing certain is this has shown me that my days are certainly numbered and I should participate in my life regardless how tragic it may appear at the moment.  I was alone before I met my wife, and I must now learn how to do that again.  If this sounds callous I mean it not that way.  I miss and think about her everyday, she is part of my life still, though not present.  Ive simply learned or am trying to learn how to adapt to this new life I have to live.  It sucks, but I don't have a choice.  On the other hand, Im beginning to do a few things I haven't done in 30 years, crazy stuff like going grocery shopping at 3 am when i cant sleep or whatever.  Started taking the whole weekend sometimes to go for a bike ride, camp out, catch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. I think about her part of the time, like Im sharing it with her, but I know she's gone and Im beginning to adapt, and as I keep doing these things over and over Im becoming more on my own and looking down the road I see there is hope.  At least I feel like there is, maybe thats just me telling myself that for now until I reach that point.  I don't know.  What are you going do?  Pick up where you left off before you met.  Is it hard?  Absolutely most difficult thing I can imagine doing.  Is it doable?  Yes.  Are there rewards for going through it?  I sure hope. I believe in a twisted way there are , its just not going to be easy and its going to take time. It is for all intense purposes, an individual journey like no other.

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