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Loss of a Gay or Lesbian Spouse
Hello Everyone! I am wondering if there are gay and lesbian members who are grieving the loss of their spouse? While grieving is grieving, there are differences in how we grieve, based on the particular relationship and the circumstances of our loved one's death. During this past year I lost my spouse from a sudden heart attack, my mother from cancer and my beloved pitbull from old age. My grief reactions have been different for each of them. I would really like to hear from gay and lesbian members who have lost their spouse.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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Wow Eric! I'm so sorry about the insensitivity of the border officers. You should have received some consideration given the circumstances, but sadly, bureaucracies lack humanity. I really am so sorry this has been torture for you and then to be given 30 days to pack up "your life" with your partner. As far as your partner's family, I experienced very similar circumstances when I lost my Jackie. One of her sisters demanded an autopsy when it was clear that she had a heart attack and the doctors were going to list her death as such. Also, Jackie would not have wanted an autopsy. On the very day Jackie died several of her family members went to the police station to report they suspected that I had caused her death. Basically, they were alleging that I killed her. Fortunately, police officers have dealt with these kinds of situations and those family members were told that unless the autopsy proved otherwise, there is nothing they could do, as there was no evidence that her death was something other than a heart attack. I had to hire a lawyer within days of her death when it became obvious that I was suddenly the enemy. There are too many unbelievable events to recount and it doesn't matter now, but ultimately they fought me regarding her estate. The love of money is truly the root of all evil. I believe money motivated some of her family members' behaviors. These were the same family members who we welcomed in our home, where I cooked, entertained and cleaned up after them. Family members who have children that I loved and cared for. On November 12, it will be 4 years since my Love died and I no longer have a relationship with most of her family members. I remain close to one of her sisters. I had to move out of our house and I moved out of state due to the animosity and an inability to come to a resolution with my ex-laws. Given the events that occurred, I wish I could offer some compelling advice. My only advice is to not let anyone, who is not loving and supportive, take up space in your head and definitely, not your heart. I spent too much time being angry. Jackie would not have wanted that for me. Nonetheless, my loss of Jackie (and my Mother, who died 5 months after Jackie) and the subsequent events were life changing for me and really complicated my grieving. I'm sorry, I am starting to ramble and I didn't plan to go in to all this. Anyway Eric, focus on the love you shared with your partner and protect your heart from further hurt. I am here any time you want to chat. I pray that you don't experience any more pain than you already have.
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It was nice reading what you all wrote. Tammy, I am so sorry you are having trouble with Jackie's family. I am lucky there Candy's( my partner) mom and sister have been great. I also found Candy in the morning she had passed away in her sleep. She was 58 and had been battling lung cancer for four months.All the treatments were working so her sudden death was also unexpected.The law here in KY would not even let me have the power to tell them what or were to taker her body. We had will and power of attorney but all my rights ended at death. Her mom had to tell them they could listen to me.Then her mother had to sign a paper to have her cremated even though it was in the will. It is nice readying what people in same place are feeling.
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Hi Sandy. Today (Nov. 12th) is exactly one year since my Jack died. It has been a very difficult few weeks. One thing I finally did was write a letter to Jackie's siblings, describing the events from the day Jackie died until now. Surprisingly, some of her siblings responded very favorably to the letter and thanked me for loving Jackie and for writing the letter. One year later, I still feel so alone and like the "walking dead." I can't believe you have 7 dogs. I am afraid to get another dog, because every living thing has to die. I also don't know that I have the energy to train a puppy and give a puppy the time and attention he/she requires. Like you, I wouldn't want Jackie here suffering. While I want her back, I would only want her to be healthy and happy. Sorry I didn't respond to your posts before now, but I've been pretty depressed and not using my computer. I would like to continue talking.
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Hi Sandy,
It seems like Pat and Jackie were a lot alike...protective, hardworking, love of cars and bikes, etc. Jackie wasn't sick, at least we didn't know she was. She died suddenly of a heart attack at age 52. She didn't have any sx. I guess that's why they call heart disease the silent killer. I'm 44 years old and Jackie would have been 53 years old this past September. We were 9 years apart. I really thought Jack and I would grow old together.
I'm a mental health professional and I had to take a leave of absence from work bc of my inability to function. I admire your ability to keep working. My sister is a nurse and I work with nurses so I know it's a demanding job. Sandra, you just passed the one year anniversary of Pat's passing. I'm really struggling with living without Jackie. I'm depressed, anxious about life, hopeless and often suicidal. How do you keep going Sandy? How do I survive this?
Tammy
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Dear Sandy,
I do believe that God has gotten me this far and I pray everyday. I tried to continue working, but I had many emotional and physical issues. I am a psychologist and I love my patients, but ultimately it wasn't fair to them for me to try to provide psychological services walking around like a "zombie." They deserve the best from me and I couldn't give it. I will return to work as soon as I can. I have a long history of depression and I have been taking antidepressants for many years. They help me put one foot in front of the other. How I wish there was a magic pill for this kind of pain.
Thank you for telling me about Pat's courage and her last days. Today is seven months since my mother died from cancer. My mother was a woman of incredible faith and she never asked "why me" or questioned God. Losing my Jack and my Mom just feels unbearable. I know they would both want me to be happy and to live the life God has planned for me. Easier said than done, but thank you for your encouragement, for sharing with me and talking to me.
Tammy
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Dear Sandy,
I didn't think you were trying to pep talk me. I appreciate your encouragement, even if I'm not able to change my thoughts or behaviors right now. You're ability to keep going inspires me, especially given the numerous losses in your life. I have had losses, but nothing compared to losing my husband and my Mom...in the same year. Intellectually, I know that I have to grieve and delaying the process only means it's delayed. You can't avoid it. However, there are days when I wish I was numb. I try to escape through sleep, but sometimes even my dreams are haunted. I'm glad people are joining our conversation. Those of us who have lost LGBT spouses are here too. Thank you all for contributing to this discussion. Thank you Sandy.
Tammy -
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Permalink Reply by Christine Sutton on
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hello again,
Yes! I understand the legal issues. Not from the perspective of the civil rights you are denied exactly. However Steve and I decided not to get married officially until my daugther had the same civil rights as I had to marry the person she loved someday. By proxy I suppose, our issues in these devastating losses relate. He was my husband of the heart, but not leagal. This directly related to my fight for my daughter and all those without the civil rights denided to them because of whom they love. There are some decisions his children officially were only allowed to make and follow through with, I was, by law his "partner". However, in some ways I was lucky he had nothing but a car to his name. I still chose to give the car to the children. More important, sentimental choices, such as what to do with his body, how to handle his services, could not be decided by me, his 25 year old was made the final decision. I am grateful the children, in shock too, worked together with my family and we all really attemped to meet his wishes. I do know right now, having hit the reality stage, the intense greiving, all I feel is wanting him back, expecting him to walk in the door. This is the kind of hole in my heart I could have never imagined before. Time has lost all sense of me, not the other way around. I am stuck and without something beautiful I always viewed as the final answer to my desire for unconditional acceptance of my flaws and my strengths. I feel abondoned, but not by him. Somehow but the entire world. Does that make sense?
Christine
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Hi Christine,
I haven't been on the site for a month or so, but I logged on today and read your posts and my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry about Steve. On Nov. 12th it will be 2 years since my Jackie passed, but I can remember those first weeks and months. I can relate to your feelings of waiting for Steve to walk through the door and feeling abandoned by the entire world. While you have the comfort of your daughter and other family members, you still feel totally alone in the world. Nothing can compare to his presence. I'm praying for you Christine and I will log on daily so that I can be available anytime that you want to talk. Also, thank you for supporting civil rights for everyone! Take care of yourself.
Tammy
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Hi. I'm sorry that you lost Candy. You were fortunate to have the support of her mother and sister. The issues with my in-laws continue.
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I miss Candy so much would like to find a chat group were could talk to people.I go to grief support groups and they may be helping,not sure. Having very hard night tonight . Not sure if I want to go on living. Life just isn't worth living. But I have 3 Goldens that I have to take care of so guess I will stay around. Nice to just get to vent. Thank you all. Sharon
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Dear Sharon,
I know exactly how you feel. I frequently feel like I don't and can't go on living. Sandy is right, nights are worse, at least they are for me. Each night I survive feels like a small victory. Our dog, Blaze, died the April before Jackie died and I'm in the house alone. When the urge is strongest I think about my many nieces, nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews, who I am very close to and I don't want their memory of me to be that "Aunt Tammy" gave up. I also don't want my siblings to have to bury me, since our mother just died 7 months ago.
Although I say all of this Sharon, I know the battle to continue living. I know that desire to just want to be with your spouse. To maybe go to sleep and God decide that now it's your time and you can be with Candy. Patience is hard, but I know that you will be reunited with Candy, Sandy will be reunited with Pat, and I will be reunited with my Jack. In the meantime, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Dear Connie,
I'm so sorry about the loss of your Tanya. I can certainly relate to your pain. While I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack in November 2009, I lost my Mom to cancer in April 2010. None of it is easy...losing your loved one suddenly or watching them suffer slowly before they die.
You have certainly had a tough time. I have also experienced suicidal thoughts and very strong urges. I'm glad you got some help, but we all know that it takes a long time to heal. A friend told me that the pain doesn't "get better" as people like to tell us, it gets "different" and you "learn to live with the pain." Connie, you are healing better than you may know. While Tanya will always be first in your heart, you mentioned the hope that you can hand your heart out again. I admire your courage. I will give my love to my family and immerse myself in my career. I will not risk love again. While it is better to have loved and lost, and I thank God for my Jack, I can not do this kind of pain again.
God bless you Connie and I hope you do decorate for the holidays. Tanya will be with you in spirit.
Tammy
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