Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jeannie Porter on January 11, 2011 at 8:28pm

HELLO,

I lost my partner of 17yrs.10/15/01....I thought for the first time in my life , Jeannie finally found the women of my dreams I used to thinki made the Gods really angry,cause I never could find my forever lady in shining armour.Then bingo I found her,and I had to wine and dine her and I did not even know I was going to do that. But I won her over and off we went....I have had many medical problems so for the last 7 out of 17 yrs she been my caregiver. The i feel safe with you.. you make my fear of health issues disappear. We laughed,and smiled and touched and cuddeled , 17yrs, maybe 5 icky moments which came out through growth. Then one day she started gaining weight....we figured she was eating in bed too late.. Then she started being tired,but taking care of me had been hecktic so we chalked it up to that. Then she started throwing up. They told us she had a poop backed up. Take such and such medicine.. But guess what another doc found it..OVARIAN CANCER already stage 4. Horrific surgery.. But she survived..chemo and after 9months it changed 0 a big fat o....one more blockage and 8days later gone...................I am in trouble,out of control emotionally,financilly,spiritually. WE were like peanutbutter and jelly..Never one without the other....I was spoiled..Loved..uncondtionally always! I now just want to do a Thelma and Louise..but her our puppy needs me. Where to I go to met friends, our someone who will care and not judge. Loss is the same with all of us right????  Thank you for listing  Jeannie

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 20, 2011 at 8:02pm

Hi Tammy,


Just wanting to find out how you are coping after the moving?

Had another terrible day with Dee's sister wantin, wanting, wanting stuff.

I am just hurting so badly at the moment and tired.

Michelle

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 20, 2011 at 9:08pm

Hi Michelle,
I'm glad to hear from you. I'm in NY until Saturday, then back to MD. This move has been so emotional and just...horrendous! While the house is empty, I'm here turning in license plates, cable boxes, etc. I have successfully avoided face to face contact with Jackie's family, but I'm paranoid. Everytime a car drives by I worry it's one of them. I'm so sorry that you still have to deal with family demands. Remember, it's your house and you don't have to let them in. Michelle, it has taken me a year to realize that I have been to nice, which Jackie's family counted on. Protect yourself Michelle. Unfortunately, I have even lied about not knowing where things are or saying "I think I gave that to your brother." Now, I will just try to avoid them. BUT, it IS an awful, miserable feeling. It hurts and it is exhausting! Haven't we suffered enough? While I'm in NY, I'm using my Blackberry and I hope this message comes out ok. Michelle, I will email you again tomorrow. Get some sleep Sweetie and do something that soothes yourself.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 20, 2011 at 10:16pm

Tammy,

The message came out just fine. I have been thinking about you al lot since you told me you are moving. I can just image how emotional it must be for you.

Good luck and chat soon.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 22, 2011 at 11:05pm

Hi Michelle,

I'm back in my new apartment and our house is all closed up. My heart hurts so badly and my head hurts from crying. I keep telling myself that I have survived 14 months since Jackie died and 7 months since my Mom died so I will be ok. I am starting to doubt my ability to be ok...to survive "experiences" that I can't adequately put in words. But, I have been thinking about you and I am sorry that I was so self-centered in my last response to you. I was so preoccupied with my own drama.

 

What could Desere's sister possibly want?!!! Just the nerve of her! I know you said you are not going to fight over material possessions, but they can't have everything! Just because there is no gay marriage, I'm sure that there are many things that you and Desere' purchased together or that you bought/gave Desere' that no one has a right to except you. I'm not suggesting that you fight, but truly, my worst mistake was being too nice. I was just being me, but my ex-laws mistook my kindness for weakness. How are you coping? How old are your children and how are they coping? Write back when you can. I'll say a prayer for you Michelle. 

 

Tammy

 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 23, 2011 at 12:50am

Tammy,

I truly feel your pain, it must.be so difficult moving out of the house that you shared, what another loss. Like I said at least I have the comfort knowing that, that will note be happening to me.you have been dealing with this so well, so please just continue with that.

My daughter is 13 and my son is 12th. They are also taking this quite hard, as they, and especially my son, were extremely close. I had another very difficult day yesterday. I miss Desere' so badly. As for Desere's sister, I am gettin to the point of putting my foot down, and not give in to all the demands anymore.

Hang in there Tammy, and please know that I am thinking and praying for you.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 27, 2011 at 11:37am

Hi Michelle,

 

I'm checking to see how you are doing? We have both been in a really bad space lately. I hope Desere's sister has not returned to your house or tried to contact you. After closing down my house this past weekend, I returned to my new apartment and I've been in the bed for days. It has been very snowy here on the East Coast of the US and I have used the snow as an excuse to stay in the bed. I finally got up last night and I wiped out all the cabinets with Lysol. This morning I even unpacked my first box of dishes and glassware. That little bit of activity was very emotional and exhausting. I should dig out my car from under the snow, but I'm tired. What's the weather like in South Africa? Michelle, how are you feeling physically? I always seem to be sick. Are you able to work? I resigned from my job in October 2010 and I am trying to work my way back to working again. There was just so much on my plate the entire year after Jackie died, but now that I walked away from the madness of litigation with my ex-laws, maybe I can truly grieve and begin to be productive again.

 

I hope you are well Michelle. Let me know how you are when you can. Take care of yourself.

Fondly,

Tammy

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by DJ on January 27, 2011 at 3:52am

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my partner on January 17, 2011. She had valiantly fought breast cancer for 11 years. We were together 12 years. I am relieved she isn't physically suffering anymore. I am profoundly shaken to my core because she was my first kiss, my first love, my first of many things and although I knew cancer could take her away (my mom died in March 1990 because of metastatic cancer) it just seemed like the cancer had been pushed to the wayside and things were getting better. We both believed she had just a little more time up until the very end.

 

I identify myself as an engineer and scientist first. I seek a logical and orderly path to produce the widget called grief. At the time I have made enough grief widgets I believe that I may finally be done grieving. The only difficulty I am having is determining the best way to make those ever elusive grief widgets. They are not uniform and it seems they cannot be made the same way twice even by the same person. They are not easily stackable and tend to all fall over at a moments notice.

 

On one side I count myself lucky - there is no estate so there are no probate headaches. I miss her touch, her smile, all the reasons the sun rises in the morning and sets at night. I feel guilty because I have already sent somethings to goodwill. Things that I know were distinctly hers that I would never ever use that would grow old and hatch a million moths in its lifetime. I know she would want her things to be used and not just sit there. Someone said to me "give yourself a break DJ, it's only been x days" it feels like a lifetime ago. U've taken the rest of this week off and I will go back to work tomorrow. I teach high school now. I wouldn't have gotten this far without her. I make a terrible bachelor or bachelorette or single person.

 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 27, 2011 at 12:08pm

Dear DJ,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. My God, it has only been days since she passed! I'm sorry I can't help you with the widgets. I'm a psychologist and have often wished I could call on my experience or open an old textbook and "heal" myself of this devastating grief. Unfortunately, this thing we call "grief" is ever-changing and therefore, hard to master in any logical or predictable way. As for work, there are no rules DJ. For me, I tried to return to work and couldn't provide effective treatment to my patients and it was a disservice to them so I resigned. For others, work is a distraction and helps them feel some part of their life is "normal." You'll have to decide once you begin working again.

 

It took me many months to part with any of Jackie's possessions. I finally donated her winter coats and boots to a local church that we always donated to. I still have many of her clothes, which I brought with me even though I just moved out of the state where we lived. Jackie would want someone to benefit from her things. She was incredibly generous and couldn't know of someone in need and not help. I will give away the rest of her clothes when I'm ready. Also, I can't fit them. Someone will definitely benefit from some of your partner's belongings.

 

You have now lost two people to cancer...two of the most important people in your life. My mother died from tongue and throat cancer this past April 2010 and she suffered. While I'm so grateful that her pain and suffering have ended, I miss her like crazy. It's never easy, whether you watch your loved one struggle with cancer or have them snatched out of your life suddenly from a heart attack, like my Jack. DJ, what I have learned is that there are no rules about grieving the Love of your Life, you take it one day (or one minute, or one hour, etc) at a time and you do what feels right for YOU. No two people grieve the same and no one is walking in your shoes.

 

Take care of yourself and while I'm glad to meet you, I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. I'm here to chat when you feel like it.

 

Tammy

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 27, 2011 at 12:13pm

Oh Tammy, I have been thru another hectic week with the in-laws about that. I was feeling so depressed on Sunday and eventually thought to hell with me crying all the time, started sorting out the garage, lifitng bike on my pick-up as you call it, welding machines you name it and took it to Desere's sister as they do not stop. Then had a bit of a ding dong with her father wanting to know if Desere' paid for my bike, she wasn't even working at the time as we decided that she will be taking care of the kids,(so don't know how she would've paid for it) then wanting to know what is going to happen IF the insurance pays out for the bike that she had the accident with. Further to this I am "buying the vehicle from them" which I originally bought but registered the vehicle in her name about a year ago. And just today were asked by her sister for some more stuff. I just want to finalise the vehicle and then enough! I had to go to the doctor yesterday as I hurt the tendants and ligament in my hand with playing incredible hulk on Sunday lifiting and carrying all those things, and she prescribed some anti- depressants for myself and my son, so well see how that goes..

I have been going to work, just because I have to support my kids.

I am so sorry that you are not well, and for all this trauma again. Please know that I think about you every single day when I am facing all these things, knowing I am not the only one going thru this. Please feel free to e-mail me directly if you feel like it - lostshadow@telkomsa.net

It is warm in South Africa, although we have quite a bit of rain, much more than usual, even floods in some places of SA.

Keep well, chat to you soon.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Dee Graham on January 31, 2011 at 10:28pm

Hi, Tammy and Friends,

It feels painful to read about your struggles with ex-laws and shared possessions. My partner of 32 years died in March of 2009, followed by my mother four months later. My partner had a chronic illness for a decade, but the lst two years she had hospice at home. It was a slow and difficult death. Our three children and one grandson were there for much of it, but one daughter in particthisular spent much time in attendance. The last two days, her father was there. I found out the second night that he, an active alcoholic, had an open jug of alcohol under the table. He had been walking around the house for a couple of hours talking about what of her things he was going to take after she died, all the while our kids were there and she was lingering in the bedroom, trying to breathe and not die. When someone from Hospice told me that he was doing this, I went over to the table and sat with him, his girlfriend and my partner's brother. After I told him it was not the time to talk about  this (rather than argue about stuff and my beloved lay dying in our bedroom), he opened his belly bag to reveal his loaded handgun. Although I made no reaction, just today I reflect and finally feel the power of the treat of violence just the visual of that made to me.

The conclusion was that I told him if he needed to talk about that, he needed to leave. He went to see her one last time and did leave. There as no overt violence, but the damage was emotionally done. Seems like this year it will be the issue that I will have to process.

Yet I am just tired. At least everything was in my name. In spite of the fact my partner's cousin influenced her to tear up the will we made with our attorney 10 years before, I managed to find out and have our attorney come to our and help her make out a new one just days before she began the final steps to death. Now I am caring for my elderly father and my young adult kids still need me. Everything is so difficult. And I'm just really tired.

Can you tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel?

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 31, 2011 at 11:38pm

Hi Dee,

 

Wow, he had a loaded gun! Thankfully, he left. I can't imagine that scene and what that must have been like for you. Your partner was in the house ("trying to breathe and not die") and you and your children were there facing her loss. You're right, once the emotional damage is done, it's done.  When my ex-laws went to the police station, less than two hours after my Jack died (and after leaving our home) to report that they believed I had harmed my Love, my relationship changed with them forever. Only one sibling ever apologized for that trip to the police station, but she still justifies her (and their) behavior by saying "we just wanted answers." No, they wanted me arrested so they could take over our home. They even stole a set of house and truck keys, as they just knew that I would be arrested. Everything went down hill from there and as I've posted, I've moved out of our house and out of state. I will never have a relationship with them, which I won't miss. Too much has happened and I have felt tortured by them.

 

Dee, this is exhausting and I don't know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We both lost our partners and mothers just months apart from each other and most days, I still just want to die. Life has become too hard. Somehow I have managed to keep standing and moving, so I'd like to be optimistic about there being a light at the end of tunnel. My head says there must be, but right now I still stand in darkness. You are caring for your elderly father and my father has just had two major surgeries to unclog arteries from his legs to his heart. He has already had two heart attacks already. I can't take any more loss. My faith says that I have to trust that God has a plan for me and that he will see me through this time in my life. However, I'm so depressed that I can't work in my profession and all I do is sleep. 

 

I have recently considered ending my membership on this site because I have nothing encouraging to say and I'm pretty hopeless. I guess I feel like I should be able to give others hope, but 14 months after my husband died and 9 months after my mother died, I am hopeless and there are many days that I wish I was dead. 

 

I'm so sorry for your losses Dee and I am sorry that you had to deal with any family drama. I hope you have found support for yourself. Grieving, taking care of your father and still helping your adult children must be exhausting. I'm alone...no children and no pets. Our dog (and our "child") died 6 months before Jackie died. I hope you have good, supportive friends. I'm in therapy and I see a psychiatrist. They help some. Thanks for responding to my posts. Please feel free to write to me anytime.

 

Tammy

 

 

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• Next ›
• Page