To all who lose a sister.

I guess it all started the day my mum turned up on my door step and told me that the hospital had said Jane would last between a month and 6 months. As I it was she hung on for another 2 weeks. But that evening after my mother had left my world fell apart and my walls collapsed.
That night I went home and cried with my mother and cried myself to sleep.
Why am I telling you this now? 30 years after the event. Because things have never been the same, and this week 30 years are no more than a week. Why so?...because I haven't been so hit by pain and grief for probably 28 years!
Why so ? again I hear you say ... A combination of Photos and Age... Photos that I hadn't seen before,Jane and myself, a mere year or so before her death from a time that feels so distant. With a body language that I had forgotten. I looked at the pictures again and again and the action was as if scratching a scab , delicious yet dangerous.
And age because?... I'm 50 now and my own mortality and mourning for my lost youth can play on a boys mind you know
Anyway . back to the point. 30 friggin years and the pain don't leave. I don't want it to... I'm gonna be indulgent .. F*** ya .. She was my childhood, my big sister, She was whose bed I went to early on weekend mornings , she looked after me and i knew she cared. In return I was her little brother , her Pigpen , probably an irritant but rarely shown.
To those with fresher hurt than mine, relish the closeness that the hurt brings. As the years go by the pain is the most real thing you have.
I never wish to lose the huge feeling of loss, I never want that void in my heart to be filled.
But we have to live. We must, at some point, put the hurt to one side and function. This can be done given time. But never relax! The pain can whack you hard when you are not watching, expect it... Prepare for it.. And indulge in it (when the time is right).
Above all, acknowledge, Never deny. Bore and embarrass your friends if necessary, but never deny..
We are damaged , of course! And hurt is always lurking, but that's OK. At least we are still here. So find fun, beauty and joy where you can and live life to the full and above all, love, love love..

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This was wonderfully written. Thank you so much. I lost my big sister too and I believe I will feel the same as you in 30 years. I am just as damaged and I know I will never ever be the same, and I'm not supposed to. She was my go-to person, my best friend. We spent just about all our time together. I miss her so much. I miss our conversations. The fun, the laughter, the good times.  Thank you again for writing this. It definitely rings true.

Thank you for your kind words.
The word "damaged" has worried me since I wrote it. It's such a negative word. My wound is deep and sometimes raw but it has made me who I am today. My emotional path is not what it should have been but
in many ways it's a better, healthier and more fulfilled path than I feel it might have been. I have a better understanding of people and a fundamental knowledge, that on the nicest possible way , life is all fairly pointless!
I know that all any of us can do is to try to be nice to those around us, cos we all hurt, and to live and of course love, love, love.
This was my sister's last gift, a bitter truth perhaps, but a gift I value, a lasting gift that I will take with me till I die.
So I'm not going to write the word damaged any more, its not that black and white.
Jon

i no it can go forvr it can iv herd stroys off familys its lost lovd 1s 30 or 40 yrs go pane is thr foevr 

sorry fr yre yore loss

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