I've been very closed off when it comes to talking about the loss of my mother to breast cancer 7/4/14. I've been trying to jot down my feelings for months and I've been afraid to share them until now. If anyone else has been going thru or feels how I do, I'd love to talk. Here it is.


This is really just me logging how I'm feeling. I just don't know how this will all turn out but its a way for me to just get out what I'm feeling.

I'm sad.


 I've tried to run away from my emotions and I just want to turn back time.....redo life. Every little thing makes me think about my mom. I hide it. She knows this was how I was going to handle things. This was her worry and I've let her down. I don't like to talk about it because its real. I remember certain things about the moments before and the moment of her passing that I want to forget but I can't. Holding a persons hand as they take their last breath......it stays with you. I try so hard to remember the good and all I remember is the sad. I'm not trying too but I do. I know my mom knows I love her but I don't remember telling her goodbye. My heart hurts constantly. Its really hard for me to open up and get out my feelings towards everything because it just doesn't make sense. No one has gone thru it that I talk too and the people that have, I feel like a burden. I don't want to hear I'm not. This is not a pity party. This is not saying im not. This is me expressing finally after over a year how I feel. I love my family. They've been there thru so much right with me and yet I don't want to talk to them about how I feel. For two reasons. One because I need to be there for them. Two because it solidifies she's gone and there's just a piece of me that says shes not. I just don't know how to handle this or battle this. I want to talk but I don't know how to say it. So how does that work......I feel like the only person to give me answers is the person I'm grieving over.
I don't need thoughts or prayers. There are other people in the world to be praying for. Don't waste them on me. I'm grieving. Prayers don't help the grieving. They help the person whose found peace. My mom has found peace. Praise for her. I just don't know what my next step is because right now.....I'm just empty.

I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm broken. I'm not broken I'm sad. And I'm also angry. Angry that my mom isn't going to be here for my wedding. Or to talk girly shit or to be a grandmother to my children. To watch me evolve. To fight with and make up with. Nothing about this is fair.

Decisions I make are to make me feel better. To either ignore, mask or get rid of the pain. Sometimes they're not the best decisions but they're MY decisions and I need people to understand that. They're not major life changing decisions but they're temporary fixes and sometimes that's all a person needs.
I don't need judgment on top of everything else I'm going through. People are changing everday. My family has grown stronger. I have too but in a different way, I'm done. My whole life has been spent being selfless and I don't regret a single moment, but I need to do things for me. I will always still be there for friends and family. Its my nature, its one of the many amazing qualities I've learned from my mom, but I need to do things for me. You can look at it as me acting out or not choosing to accept things....I look at it as finding myself. 

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12........12.......my entire adolences and adulthood was surrounded around and sculpted by my mom's cancer.....again I don't regret it. Its changed me, shaped me.....(and yet a part of me doesn't understand why I'm trying to explain myself to you)
So I've never done things for myself. I need too.....my mothers gone. There is no more pain for her.  She's moved on.....

Why can't I?