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learning to cope with my loss
It is just over 3 weeks since my husband Pete lost his 5 year battle with his cancer of an unknown primary. This grief journey is not new to me as 18 years ago my first husband took his own life. I never thought I would ever find love again, but I did. I was so lucky to find Pete and we had 10 special years together. However, half way through that he was diagnosed with cancer. I feel so cheated, but at the same time I feel blessed I was given another chance. I know that many people do not get that, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. AT the moment I do, but I know that will pass. Every day the tears come and I try so hard to find comfort in the good times. But at the moment the thoughts of the good times are what bring on the tears. As someone once said to me, "you will never get over this, but you will get through this." Thank you for listening.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by V. R. on
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Hi Ros, how are you?
Lately I've been feeling so lost, empty, can't find the exact words really. I don't think there are any words in the dictionary to describe how I'm feeling. Everything I do during my day, I think to myself: what's the point? Life is so insignificant for me now, terrified of the future, then again I feel so selfish because I have to think about my children's well-being, they are suffering too, in their own way, poor things, they still need their dad, he was much more of a moral support, than I can ever be for them. I've always been the typical "mother hen" whereas my husband taught them everything there is to know about life, helping them in their studies, explaining so many things, he knew everything, providing emotional support in difficult personal situations, a barrel of knowledge, perfect father. I see now how my kids have inherited all this from him, this gives me so much comfort and gratitude.
Always such a relief to be able to share my feelings with you.
Warm hug.
Enza
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Permalink Reply by Roslyn on
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Hi Enza
To tell the truth I've been really battling the past week. Two weeks ago I decided to finally tell my mother about Pete. I wrote her a letter. Two days ago I received a reply on a scrappy piece of paper and she did say she was sorry to hear about Pete and then basically went on about what I had done to her. I naively thought that if ever there was a time she may reach out to me, this would be it. In my own mind I half expected a nice card and perhaps she may even have asked how I was after what Pete and I had gone through. But no. I have a 400 metre long driveway or thereabouts and on the walk back to the house I cried all the way. I basically felt "over it" with her. She is 90 in April, but she won't see me there.
I do understand what you say about your children. When my first husband passed in 2003 I felt exactly the same way too. I was always the "mother hen" too. It seemed to me after he passed that their father was the one they all looked up to, not me. I've often suffered from low self esteem due to my childhood and in reality, that hasn't helped me in my adult life either. I believe your kids would really appreciate you and the place you hold in their hearts, especially now.
It has been constant rain over here for a week and that hasn't helped my mood I suppose. I have friends coming to visit today and I'm hoping that will help me. Thank you for "listening" to me once again. I do wish I could sound happier and bring that through in this post, but at the moment I just can't.
I often think of you and wonder how you are going.
Please take care and a big hug from me
Ros
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Hi Ros, yesterday we got our first snow and it's still here today, although it's gradually thawing due to the sun coming out,thank God. The forecast is not too good, we're blocked at home until it all goes away, the municipal snowplow doesn't get to us unfortunately.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your mother wasn't too reconciling with you, at least you tried and showed that you're not the one who's bearing a grudge, you have a clean conscience, she should appreciate this, and if she doesn't, well , it's her loss,you did your best, even more than you probably should have done. I've seen these sad situations in the past in my husband's family, very difficult to deal with.
Glad to hear your friends visit you, I often think about you too Ros, I'd really love to have you as a neighbor. Even though I've lived in this community for 26 years now, I haven't really made any real friends. They're all great people, but just normal neighbours, hello and goodmorning, and the occasional wave as we pass by driving.
I'll leave you now.
Hugs
Enza
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Hi Enza
We are currently in the middle of a huge rain event in our area. My local town some 20 minutes away is currently being evacuated due to torrential rain. The water levels have risen so fast many were caught off guard. They believe it is higher than the destructive 1954 floods. Out here I spent yesterday trying to keep water out of my garage, but that was the only damage to the house. I know my driveway is well and truly gouged out and I have ankle deep water on my driveway from my house to the dam, which is some 200 metres in length. It is unbelievable. People in town are waiting to be rescued all over the place.
Surprise though, this morning my mother rang crying as she was worried about me all alone out here. That was a total surprise to me and probably a good thing to come from this rain event. At least it is something positive.
Like you, I say hello to neighbours, but that is about it. I have a couple of good friends I can talk to, one in particular who knows what it is like to lose your husband. But basically I am alone and I'm still finding it so hard adapting to that "new normal."
So in a way you are also at the beck and call of mother nature. You have snow, we have flooding. I just hope she gives us a rest very soon. Enough is enough.
Please take care, I often think of you.
Hugs back to you
Ros
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Hi Ros, so sorry to hear about the bad floods that have been affecting your area. I hope it's all over now and that everyone is alright. It must be so hard for you to have to deal with all this alone, I really feel for you. Happy to hear your mother contacted you, often these disasters do bring people together, hoping you will now restore your relationship with her.
It's been bitterly cold here lately, temperatures below zero at night and early morning, luckily no more snow.
Not possible to do jobs outside, too cold and windy.
Keep well Ros, warm hug to you.
Enza
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Hi Enza
How I wish the worst was over with the floods. Unfortunately they are the worst in over 500 years so they say. Our district is now running short on food, fuel and water. Three of our supermarkets went under water. They were all built up high with undercover parking as this is a flood prone area. But even so the flood waters went to the top of the windows despite the buildings being 2 stories high. So far 4 people have lost their lives, others are missing and the devastation is heart breaking. I haven't ventured into town, no point. I have one road in and out at the moment and I'm still having trouble getting my head around what has happened to our town.
My mother rang me again last night and yesterday my 3 kids also sent me texts to offer sympathy on the passing of Pete. So they eventually found out. My eldest daughter is coming to see me tomorrow morning, so I'll wait and see how that goes. This is all very well I know, but at the same time it saddens me terribly because if Pete was alive none of this would be even occurring. I can't help but wonder why those who were our friends thought the world of Pete and everyone who knew him commented on his kindness as a genuine human being. Yet my family wouldn't give us a chance. To be honest my guard is up.
Yesterday I had a fine day for the first time in over a week and I managed to get my back lawn mowed, which was good. I can't get onto the places that need a ride on, due to the excess water. The ground is sodden.
You stay warm and safe. It seems mother nature is unleashing at the moment.
Hugs back to you
Ros
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Hello Ros, really heartbreaking to hear the devastation these floods have caused and with victims, too,and people missing. Why haven't we heard about this on the international news? I suppose it's because the war in Ukraine takes up all the news time here now. As if we didn't have enough 'natural' disasters!
I was glad to hear you have almost been completely reunited with all your family. Human nature is strange, I think I told you once that when I lost my husband, I hadn't spoken to my parents for over a year. Now we see each other often, although I still feel bitter about the way they had behaved towards him in the past, things they said, and so on. I hadn't seen my FIL for quite some time too, a 'difficult' person to get on with. Now he has become a different person, not so stubborn anymore. Like the proverb:" Every cloud has a silver lining", but you'll probably agree Ros, that a cloud should really be just a cloud, not a human tragedy, like losing a loved one or these devastating floods your area is going through. I hope you haven't had too much damage on your property.
My thoughts are with you Ros, and with all the families in your district.
Take care, lots of hugs.
Enza
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Hi Enza
My phone and internet has been down for 4 days due to the flooding in town. It has only just come back on. I'm not surprised you haven't heard about the devastation over here with what is happening in the Ukraine.
To my knowledge 5 people lost their lives locally and at least 1100 homes need to be demolished. The extent is just devastating. Water up to the top of most roofs and even in areas that never flood, such was the extent of it all. I do wonder how many will leave the area after this and the effect on the town.
Not sure how things will go family wise. I'm extremely cautious and worried about things, but my daughters visit went ok. My eldest granddaughter who is 17 wants to make contact either by text or email, so I'll see where that goes. I've spoken to my mother twice on the phone, but because of the time span of no contact it is hard renewing all this. But I'm giving it a go. I feel so darn sad saying so, but if Pete were still here no-one would be interested. Up until now my sister hasn't said a thing about Pete's passing. I'll give my brother credit, at least he did. Her reaction really hurts. It's like he wasn't worth commenting on.
Anyway I'll leave it for now. I do hope you are coping ok. Take care
Big hugs
Ros
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Hi Ros, I've been reading all about the floods on the Internet, what devastation, I can understand that this is the worst ever for more than 500 yrs. I do hope the worst is over and somehow the authorities will help everyone who has lost homes, land and everything. This world is so cruel, we already have natural disasters like floods, earthquakes, landslides, etc. We don't need someone who suddenly wakes up one day and starts a deadly war, scenes we haven't seen since 2nd world War.
I'm glad you've been able to establish good relations with all your family, I know exactly what you mean when you say no one would be interested if your husband was still here. I've had the same experience with our families, on either side.
Hope you haven't had too much damage to your property. We had a bit of snow again this morning, luckily the sun came out and it's all gone now. Still bitterly cold, much colder than it was in February, strangely.
Take care, a big hug.
Enza
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Dear Ros, haven't heard from you for a while. Just wanted to check up on you and see how you've been keeping. I hope the worst of the floods is all over now and that everything's getting back to normal. Hoping your family have finally established frequent contacts with you. You really do deserve being cared for by them.
Big hug to you.
Enza
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Hi Enza
I'm so sorry. I definitely replied to your last post, I don't know what happened. I also have been worried about you, thinking you were the next to respond.
The water has all gone, but driving through the worst hit parts of town today I was absolutely devastated. It was like a war zone, with rubbish piled high in front of homes, garage doors that had imploded with the force of the water, windows smashed, brick walls reduced to rubble and peoples lives in total mayhem. During the flood crisis, the properties, both residential and business were only visible by air by their roof tops and in lots of cases, people sitting on them waiting to be rescued. Our highest bridge in town which no-one ever thought would go under water, actually did go under up to knee height. The destruction is absolutely mind blowing.
Since I last wrote I have met my eldest daughters 3 children. They are now 17,14 and 9. I haven't seen them for 10 years so obviously lots of rebuild is to happen and of course the eldest two girls look totally different from when I last saw them.
During their younger years I did make a scrapbook on that part of their lives which I gave the girls when I met them. Of course not ever knowing the young boy, I had nothing for him. All very sad really.
My mother turns 90 over Easter. So after not seeing her for 5 years I have made the decision to make the 6 hour drive to see her for that birthday. I want no regrets in that regard. It will be a hard task for me to attend that function as I haven't had contact with my brother, sister or younger daughter for 5 years and my son who lives in the USA for that matter. But my sister, brother and 3 children at least acknowledged Pete's passing. Deep down I really know it is only half hearted on their part, as the relationship wasn't one they wanted me to have with him. To my mind and that of our friends that is their sad loss unfortunately: he was never given a chance. Still, I will hold my head up, be the strong woman I've become in recent years and know that Pete and I loved each other and he was a good man. It will be like the elephant in the room: I'm sure the topic of him won't be broached by anyone, even though when I go over to my mothers he will only have been gone for 5 months. Still hard times for me, but I have to be strong. Offering emotional support isn't a strong point for any of my family I'm sad to say. They always make me feel so alone because of that. Things that need to be spoken about never are.
I continue to work hard here. We have more rain forecast for the end of the week so for the next couple of days I will be out there mowing again. So looking forward to cooler weather and hopefully slower growth.
Anyway, enough of me, how are you? I can't believe my last message didn't go through and I have been so concerned about you as well. Must be telepathy?? I kept thinking about you on and off all day today and next thing I know you sent a message through.
I really hope this message gets through to you.
Take care and I'm sending you a big hug in return
Ros x
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Hi Ros, great to hear from you. I wonder what happened, perhaps it was my last post that got lost. Who knows? Anyway, good to talk to you again. It was really heartbreaking to hear your description of what was left after the floods. So sorry, nature does get very angry sometimes. I hope it didn't affect you and your property so much.
Glad to hear you're getting closer to all your family members. I understand when you say that they probably won't want to talk about your loss. I have the same problem, even if I don't want to talk about it anyway, I just can't, too painful, how could they possibly comprehend how I feel, it would be like speaking another language.
I've been chopping wood all afternoon, and I must say this is the best way to occupy my mind totally and not think of anything. It really does work but when I finish the reality comes back to me, and I go back to my depressive state. I often talk to my husband and to myself, too. I sometimes think I'm going crazy, but apparently it's normal in grief,to do this. I was 27 when I met him, but I was really just a girl, not a grown-up woman. I became a mature woman being with him, getting married and having our two kids. So I've been with him all my aduIt life, what am I now, without him? Yes, I'm also a mother, a daughter, but I was his wife, he really was my other half as they say, my better half. I had a dream the other night, where we were both crying and hugging each other because we both knew that he wasn't actually here anymore, no longer in this life, and he was sad because he had had to leave us. Oh, my.......
It’s the first day of Spring here now, but it's still very cold. At least (hopefully) there's no chance of any more snow.
Hugs to you too.
Enza
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