Hello all

This is not a membership I ever thought I would apply for, yet here I am looking for any type of answer to find out what to do next!!! I am entirley devastated I met Kim when she was only 15 years old we celebrated our 41st wedding aniversary the day before she died with that disease, it made her life hell for over 2 years fist cancer of the oesophagus, which was removed along with he lymphs, now she has no stomach and the weight is falling off her, very difficult to eat, but within 2 months she was making small progress after the Chemo and radiotherapy was finished, she had regular check ups nearly monthly cat scan, bloods etc, virtually 6 months to the day she was having a pet scan just to give her the all clear and BANG oh we have found some in the hip bones, more chemo, more intense radiotherapy, almost 30mins per session, again back to square 1 she thought, but she was managing to eat again but no weight went on she was painfully thin 38 kilos only virtually a skeleton this was the most painfull for her as she was always a vivacious and curvey stunning girl, she thought the way she looked I would not want her anymore!!!! we were/ are in love never apart lived and worked together 247 fantastic wife and mother to my 3 wonderfull children, she was doing ok then another 6 month check up which we went to 1 month early because she was getting a bit breathless whilst doing stuff around the house, making bread etc, cat scan, exray, bloods, then PET scan I think I knew then as these things are costly, yes BANG again infection of the Pluera and cancerous mestasteses, they took out about 2litres of clear liquid and the done a thorocotomy biopsy, which took 3 days for results in the meantime she was finding it very hard to breath, they then rushed her into ER inserted a drain in her other side and drained nearly 4litres of brown pus, that was it all they could do!! in the most advanced Hospital in Spain her surgeon is a pioneer and also the King of Spains Surgeon, so she had the best, but they could not save her as she was too weak, it took her 3 days to breath her last breath, I assure you it is the worst thing I have ever witnessed in my 60 year life watching the love of my life slowly run out of breath.

I am so sad I could not do anything, I feel so guilty I am a professional man I can do and have done most things in life, but this has broken me down to an emotional wreck , I do stay strong for my kids and my employees but inside god I am so hurting and looking for Kim just a sign that she is OK I go around smelling for her I know that may sound crazy but she used to smell so good, I can still see her outline on her side of the bed, and on her special pillow, which I am terrified to move as I feel she will be completly washed away, her handbag still sitting next to the bed full of her usual everything and more , I miss her so so much I am just not sure what to do where to go.

sorry for rambling on but I thought you should really get to know Kim and I, I have read lots of your experiences and they are just so touching and my heart goes out ta all and everyone of you.