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Permalink Reply by Doug on June 22, 2016 at 5:41pm

Jeff C., I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I can't seem to find the words(if there really are any)to help ease the unbelievable pain you're going through now. I lost my girlfriend a number of years ago to lung cancer and to this day I'm still not the same. I learned that you can't rush the grieving process in order to save you the pain of the loss. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you or not? I pray that your closest friends will be there for you when you do decide to reach out to them. For me, I didn't want to talk or see anyone right away, I needed time with myself, but in time I needed them desperately. You may think that there will never come a time when you'll find the peace and strength to carry on, but there will be.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on June 23, 2016 at 3:17pm

Thanks, Doug.  I appreciate that, and I am sorry that you experienced a similar loss.  I have never felt so bad in my life.  I am constantly analyzing our relationship, things that could have been done differently, I can't concentrate on work and have to keep walking around the office, can't sleep well, my appetite is off, etc.

I am not someone who likes to take drugs, but I am in touch with a doctor to see if I can get something for the worst anxiety moments.  I will begin meeting with a counselor tomorrow.

I am spending time with friends, but so far it doesn't seem to help.  It's hard to explain.

Thanks again.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on July 3, 2016 at 5:56pm

Well, here we are.  A long fun weekend for most.  Mila's many friends have disappeared, although one did check up on me.  I appreciate that a lot.  But it's been a lonely weekend.  For the past two years Mila and I went up to a Denver mountain park in which a bunch of families get together every year in memory of a sister who was lost to cancer 20 years ago.  This year I wasn't even invited.  I don't really exist anymore to them.

I have a friend up the street who I have known for over 20 years.  We used to be an item.  We get together for iced coffee and talk once every weekend.  Now it's every day on the weekend.  Mila used to be (unnecessarily) jealous of her.  She has been very helpful about my grief.  I never expected that.  All of my other friends are too busy to hang with me.  Maybe we'll go to Boulder tomorrow.

Today I drove to Mila's house and retrieved some of her clothing for sentimental value.  I cried.

Then I went to Costco, her favorite store and the one she introduced me to.  We used to love going there together.  Such a small thing.  In later months she had to use an electric shopping cart.  I used to get behind her with my regular cart and push her faster than she wanted to go. Playful fun.

Now I'm home.  

I miss her so much.  I can't believe how much I took our time together for granted.

I agree with Bluebird.  What loving God would so severely punish and kill such a remarkable person at 52.   And then destroy my life and the lives of so many others who loved her?  One of her Chilean friends, a nice lady in her 70s, wants to talk with me about her but is unable to due to her grief.  She doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

I deserve punishment for the way I treated Mila earlier on.  I really do.  But this is so very cruel.

On the other hand, just recently a bird built a nest over my front door.  Never happened before.  I wonder if it means something.

  

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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on July 20, 2016 at 9:24am

Well, here we are at week 5.  I was doing a little better, but never that good.  Last night it got dark early and started raining.  I felt very lost and lonely and couldn't stop crying for 15 minutes.  It started again this morning.  Here I am at work with tears rolling down my cheeks.  Geez...

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