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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on November 26, 2015 at 9:42am

Linda, I am sorry for the loss of your husband.

I just wanted to say I agree with your thoughts. It is just another day without my beloved children.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 26, 2015 at 1:51pm

So Sorry,

I'm sure we will both be glad when the Holidays are over, they are the hardest to bear.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on December 10, 2015 at 10:08pm

John,

I understand what that's like, not being able to see any beauty even in objectively beautiful things, because your soulmate isn't here to share them with.  It's the same for me.  I live in the Northeast U.S., so the whether here isn't as great as it is in CA, but lately it's been pretty nice, especially for December.  It's better than having a ton of snow like we did last year, because I can drive to work without any trouble and I don't have piles of snow to shovel, but otherwise I really can't enjoy the "nice" weather. If my husband were still here, he would love it, because he loves summer weather and hates winter weather.

The other thing I've realized is that I will never be "comfy" again.  Last winter, when it kept snowing and I was stuck in the apt. because of it (not that I really wanted to go out anyway), at one point I was in sweatpants and a t-shirt and thick socks, it was snowing outside and warm inside, and I made a cup of hot chocolate. As I was carrying the drink from the kitchen to the living room, to sit on the couch and watch tv and sip my drink, I realized that if my husband were there, I would have made some for him as well, and we would curl up on the couch together and talk or read or watch one of our favorite shows on tv. But he wasn't, and although the room and the drink were warm, there was no real warmth, and there never will be again.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 11, 2015 at 6:42am

Hi John,

I know how you feel, I live in Florida near St. Augustine beach, when I go their all I can think of

are the days Julian and I would jut sit together and enjoy the beauty of it. Like you said it is all black and white now to me and just another place on this earth

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 11, 2015 at 9:48am

John and Bluebird, I feel the same way! And while it's still depressing as hell it's nice to know other people know just what I'm talking about. John, when you mentioned the dolphins and the weather and how Diane wasn't here to see it. I nodded, because that is what people don't realize. That's how I would be with my sister. Even if she wasn't there, I'd be filming it on my iphone and sending it to her, so there was always someone to share those moments with. So when that person is gone, all you can think about is those moments are a lot less sparkly and note worthy.

It's how I feel when I have a pretty good day at work. Like today, it's Friday, one co-worker I don't like is out, one of my mean bosses is out, another one is leaving early. Now if my sis were here I'd be excited to have halfway decent day like this because I knew at the end of the day we'd chat and hang out and plan our movie night. But things that should be gems in the day still mean nothing without someone to share it with, so your mood constantly stays in the dark.

John, I also felt your pain over the Christmas presents, because none of my friends understand my love of Christmas. They think it's strange for adults to care about Christmas and don't see the point. But like you, I would do the same with hunting for the perfect surprise gift and it was fun and made me happy to end up making her happy on Christmas Day. Christmas isn't just about kids and toys. That's what my friends seem to think.  I had a friend tell me yesterday she didn't need anything for Christmas because she had God and her ma and a home. Well you had that anyway. I feel like this is when you can maybe celebrate having that, do something special that you don't do all year because you are happy you have your Mom and a home. I don't get people sometimes.

And John, yeah, I"m sure you'd probably think the beaches and weather are paradise too when you had someone you want to share it with there with you. What's great about living in paradise when the one you love isn't there to enjoy it with you?

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 11, 2015 at 10:30am

My only paradise was when I was with my dear Husband Julian no matter where we were.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 11, 2015 at 3:27pm

This is a great picture! that looked like some fun in the sun.  Thank you for sharing. I wish I had more pics of me and my sister. Things you take for granted.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 12, 2015 at 4:29am

Thanks, it's our last vacation before the cancer pain was too bad to travel anymore.

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