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Permalink Reply by Kim Phillips on December 12, 2012 at 9:46pm

I understand.  I lost my loved one 7 months ago today.  It is getting harder and harder each day. The pain is getting so great.  I understand what you mean by "on the verge of a nervous breakdown".  I am beginning to think it is time for me to get some counseling.  I would like to check out too but I made her a promise that I would watch over her son.  Your friends love you and I am sure that you would not be a bother to them.  I feel very alone and lost.  Such emptiness.  My life has little meaning any more.  I wish you the best and sending a big hug your way.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Donna on December 13, 2012 at 8:16am

Thank you, and please accept a hug back from me!  I can so identify with the emptiness and life having little meaning.  I have a beautiful 5 1/2 month old granddaughter that I get to see once or twice a week and am content to hold her sleeping in my arms for hours.  Other than that, nothing seems to matter, or at least, certainly not as much.  It's a little scary that at 7 months it's continuing to get harder for you - if I continue to feel like this for much longer, I'm pretty sure they'll need to lock me up and sedate me! 

 

I guess I want to know if these feelings are normal, and if any one has any suggestions on how to deal with them, get through them, take the away, something!  I kind of go through waves - I'll be okay for a couple of days, confident, capable, going on about my life, talking to my husband in my mind; and them, bam, I'll have several days where I feel like Im going to burst out into tears at any moment, I just want to crawl under the covers and spend a few days in bed, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to have anyone around because then I feel like I have to pretend to be upbeat so as not to bum them out and scare them away!  It just seems so impossible to me that there will be no more Christmases, no wedding anniversary cruise and renewing of our vows in February that we have planned, no more spending a rainy day in our pajamas curled up on the couch watching tv, no more sex!! I plan on continuing to ride my motorcycle, but everywhere I go I'm going to think of him, and remember when he & I went here, did this, etc.  Happy memories, but devastated that we won't be able to ever make any more memories together.

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Permalink Reply by Kim Phillips on December 13, 2012 at 5:37pm

I also will have good days and then bad days.  I have been on this site for awhile and all these feelings appear to be normal.  I understand what you mean about no more christmases etc.  Everything I do reminds me of my loved ones.  It is all around me.  Yes happy memories but in the same token it tears me up!!!  I personally am going to give myself about a year and if I still feel as if i don't want to be around any longer I am going to counseling.  I don't know how I am coping b/c I have basically shut down.  I try to keep myself as occupied as possible but it doesn't always seem to work.  What I try to remember is what my love one's message was to everyone and it seems to help at times "live fully, laugh often and love deeply"

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Permalink Reply by renee collier on January 23, 2013 at 11:45pm

Hi Kim,

You mentioned you are considering going to counseling. I started counseling a few weeks after my fiance died.  I felt I was going crazy and I needed something to feel better. I was willing to try anything.  I found a one on one therapist and a grief group support group.  I must say in the beginning I cried allot.  Tears cleanse us so I just let it happen. and people in the group cried and some didn't because they were at different stages.  I highly recommend it. I wish you the best and I wish your strength to get through each day.

one day at a time

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Permalink Reply by Ashley on December 25, 2012 at 1:55am

It has been about 8 months since I suddenly lost my mom. Three months is when the pain was the worst for me. It's when the shock wears off and reality sets in. I just stayed in bed for weeks. It's so hard but it does get easier with passing day. Just take it one day at a time. 

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 25, 2012 at 2:55pm

yes i feal like its geting worse i even got told the other day get over it i shud of got over it the day my dad died i got told its easy but i no its not how can u get over a person u have nowing sinse the day u have bean born my dad woz part of my life story thn i got told its my falt mum has depresion i shud of stopet it it times i wisht people wud be carful at whot thy say

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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on December 29, 2012 at 12:45am

Hi Donna; sorry for your loss and pain. Like I have said to many here, I know completely your pain. The months that follow our loss seem to get harder and harder because like I describe it "its a kick of reality" that hits so damn hard!. its the worst feeling ever.. I myself continue to have emotional breakdowns and now going on close to 2 years in April.

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Permalink Reply by renee collier on January 23, 2013 at 11:37pm

Hi Donna,

I can relate to your feelings.  I found my fiance dead on his yacht. He was only 43.  I lost him on April 27th 2012.  I also felt like I was loosing it.  But I got myself in to a grief support group and that is where I learned that this is TOTALLY NORMAL.  This made me feel a little relief because i thought it was not normal.  I am glad that you believe in Heaven and an afterlife.  I feel like you that I have to keep going otherwise I may not be reunited with him. 

I know it feels so lonely even when loved ones try and reach out.  When we lose a partner its like loosing one of our limbs. 

Well you are  feeling normal feelings.  Take care of yourself.

And use this site whenever you need to

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Permalink Reply by Theresa A. Resh on February 17, 2013 at 11:03pm

Hi Donna,

Read your post, and you sound alot like me. I lost the love of my life November 13th, 2012. Massive heart attack.  I had gotten up to go to the bathroom at 10am (I work nights) and he was on the floor, face down.  He had gotten up at 6 am to go hunting, he was all dressed boots and all, looked like he got up off his chair and just went down.  I had gotten up with him to say goodbye and good luck, so he passed somewhere between 6:30 and 10 am. I seem to be getting worse also, so I went to the Doctor, he told me it seemed that way because I was in shock the first few months. I know exactly how you feel, I too am obsessed with thoughts and memories. I can't seem to get that image of him in the floor out of my head!!!  I feel like checking out also, but, I was brought up to believe you won't go to heaven if you take your own life.  I'm drowning myself with my work, but I still have days off...those are HARD.  It seems everybody around me has gotten over it, makes me feel like I'm being a baby about the whole thing.  But I don't really care, because he was my EVERYTHING. My soulmate, my best friend.  He passed one week before Thanksgiving and 3 weeks before our 16 wedding anniversary! Then I had to get thru Christmas and New Years, then Valentines day!!!!  WOW!!! Now its getting to be Morell mushroom hunting season, (in April / May)  he absolutely Loved mushroom hunting, and Deer hunting.  I sent you a friend request if you want to talk.  Take care.

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Permalink Reply by Trev on February 23, 2013 at 11:28pm

Everything you are feeling is correct, it is also a testament to the love you had (and still have) for each other. But when it gets really hard, I want you to do something, sit down and pull up a chair next to you or just take out a photo of him. This isn't easy I know.

Ask him what would does he want you to do. This is not an exercise in the supernatural. This is not a spiritual thing, its very practical and also overwhelmingly useful and comforting.

I am not going to second guess or predict the answer, this is private and you will hear the answer because you knew each other so well that you'll hear it.

Everything you shared, every moment, every conversation lives on in our memories and moves subtly within us, even when our loved ones body has left us, this remains and it's good.

Right now you may resent every interruption that removes you from your all consuming grief, but these interruptions will grow in frequency and eventually we are back in a world but we are changed.This is the nature of recovery, we eventually re-engage with the trivial, we have no choice, we are compelled to survive and yes one day, thrive, we have no choice.

Sometimes we need permission to do that, so have that chat and see what happens. Keep on having it. We never really get over such a loss, there is no closure, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit on it either. What happens is that we feel as bad, less often, we move, from it being all consuming to a size that allows us to continue.

Forgive people who try to help but say the wrong thing, the most important thing is that their intentions are good, but they haven't lost what you have.

You are not alone, everything you are feeling is correct and exactly what you should be.

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