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Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on June 28, 2011 at 8:32pm

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  The journey through grief is a highly individual experience and there is no defined timeline.   Intensity and duration varies. Initially grief is overwhelming and you can feel out of control. With time people find they have more ability to choose when they access memories and emotions. The intensity of grief is related to the degree of attachment to the person, the type of relationship and other factors.  I often think about Keanu Reeves statement about grief.  "Grief changes shape, but it never ends."  I have to agree with that.  It's definitely a journey and it helps to have support from others.

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Permalink Reply by Diane Grell on June 29, 2011 at 4:32pm

Dear Erin

You also have to remember that some people do not know how to support someone who has lost someone. To best explain, I could not comfort my mother when my father died because I at that point I had not lost my husband. Whereas, when my husbands dad died, I was able to comfort the siblings because I understood the pain.

Losing my father (he died 18-20 years ago now) was not as tough as losing my husband to which yes, I think I'm fine one day and the next I go on a crying jag.

Honey, there is nothing wrong with you. Don't ask me why it is easy to lose one person and hard to lose another. If you every need someone to talk to please send me note.

 

Diane

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Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on June 29, 2011 at 7:20pm

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you at all.  The death of a loved one is always hard, and leaves a LOT of stuff to work through.  We all get to work through it in whatever time it takes.  At first, I'd just wanted to get the grieving all over and done with in one shot.  Most of the time now I'm glad I can't do that.  If I had to try to handle even what I have in the last five months all in a week or so, I think it would've destroyed me.  It means we go through it as we do, as we're able.  It's also the kind of thing that people can read about and be told about and see TV shows or movies about, but until you've had to deal with it, you don't really know what it's like.  I'd agree, a lot of times people just don't know what to say or how to act around people who're grieving.  Sadly, in the States we're too focused on the "quick fix," and there just isn't one for grief.  For what it's worth, my aunt gave me a good metaphor I've been hanging on to, thinking of this kind of loss and grief like having a stroke.  It's a sudden, intense shift, and some things still work, some kinda work, and some are just off-line.  There's no way to be able to predict when things will come back on-line again or in what order.  We just get to go through it, take care of ourselves, and wait to see how it plays out.

 

I know for me having people to talk to has helped a great deal, including the people I've met here.  I hope you keep writing and connecting with folks, and that you can get as much support and love as I have.  *hugs*

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Permalink Reply by Erin Johnson on June 29, 2011 at 8:45pm

I would like to thank you all for the kind words. You all have said a lot of things that make me feel not so alone. I understand that it is hard for some people to understand what we are all going through. I appreciate of love and support I have gotten here already have only been on here two days. I hope your mom that if you need someone to talk to another I genuinely would love to talk to anyone of you.

Thank you all so much Erin

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Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on July 1, 2011 at 8:55am

You're most welcome, Erin.  Glad to hear I could offer something that could bring some small measure of comfort to you.  *hugs*

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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on June 30, 2011 at 9:27am

There is no time table with grief.  I lost my son Marty, January 19, 2010 and I struggle everyday just to get out of bed.  I cry everyday - all through the day.  My heart is so broken, I find  it impossible to smile again.  I know how people expect you to be over it.  It has been said to me "Aren't you better yet?"  One day I answered "when my son is not dead anymore."  I got no reply.  I don't think anyone understands the pain I endure each day.  Marty died at a hospital after a dr did what he called a routine aortic valve replacement.  He was a healthy, handsome and fit 34 year old that was fine until the day he walked into the hospital in Pinehurst, NC.  Our days were hell in that place.  Marty was in a coma for fourteen days.  We were not offered compassion or explanations.  I feel today that I am all alone and no one understands what I am going through. Hospitals and drs are not held accountable. Marty was my oldest son and a joy and friend.  Its okay that I am alone.  Marty don't even get to be here.    Rebecca Loflin - Marty's Mama

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Permalink Reply by Diane Grell on June 30, 2011 at 1:00pm

Rebecca

I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand the pain and your broken heart and being so sad you don't want to get up out of bed.

I remember when the neurologist came in and asked me, "What do you think was going on that a 46 years old heart would just stop?" That is when I told them what I suspected. Now suspecting and knowing are 2 different things. They came into my husbands room and told me,"He tested positive for meth." Then as quickly as they came in they left leaving me with my mouth hanging to floor wondering where do I go from here? What do I do? I do I deal with this?

I realize our situations were different but the end result is we both lost someone we love very dearly. Above, Coach Diana stated, "Grief changes shape, but it never ends." Now, that I have had time to reflect on that statement, I agree. Somedays go good some days not so good.

My dad has been gone for 17 years and sometimes, I find myself missing him so much. Most of the time I can deal with it. Some days I can't.

My husband has been gone  for 2 years, and I almost always have a bad day, missing him so much. (The person he was before the drugs).

 

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Permalink Reply by Ruth on June 30, 2011 at 7:19pm

I was going to reply about the lack of compassion you experienced from the hospital staff when your husband passed.  I feel anger when I read of the judgmental attitude they displayed and how they abandoned you in your suffering. That is wrong and you deserved better.  And I know a similar pain. twice over. My husband when we'd been married for 18 months presented at the ER, was taken into custody/quarrantined and we spent the following 15 days on the oncology ward at county hospital.  They interviewed us separately many, many times with the question set I recognized as belonging to differential diagnosis for HIV/AIDS.  He turned out to have a rare rheumatological disease that is fairly well managed now but the doctors and most other staff were horrible.  They deliberately acted in ways to undermine us, especially my support for him.  They didn't seem to understand true love that actually lived up to the vows we took.  I was patronized and treated like I had Stockholm syndrome by successions of different doctors because it was a teaching hospital.  The only people that showed us respect or support were the oncology nurses.  They were like heavenly angels in hell on earth. 

 

I can't imagine what it was like for your to lose the love of your life in such an environment.  I wanted to tell you that if my husband passed today from his illness, I too would miss the person he was before his disease took hold.  He was completely healthy, young, active, handsome then.  Because he suffers, his personality has changed, he isn't the person I married and that is very hard.  If he passed, I would NEVER be over it, because though changed, he's lovable.  How do I know your huband was/is lovable? Because you do, you love him.  That is the essence and definition of lovable. God who is and gives perfect love and knows all hearts has told us each of us are unique, irreplaceable to Him.  I am weaker and imperfect and limited, so if God says our loved ones are irreplaceable to Him, how much more precious are they to us?  How could we do better with such a loss, than God?  We can only do our best, that is all.  We are in His hands just as much as our loved ones now.

 

I've joined our groups because 3 1/2 years ago, my father was murdered.  He was a difficult acting person very frequently because of alcoholism.  I heard testimony today that the murderer referred to my Daddy as a "stinky old fossil" that "nobody would miss."  I guess what I've just learned is that I am going to hold people accountable for acting like some people are write-offs, no matter who displays it or where they are, that we are all precious to someone, even the liar that killed my dad for the money he had in his pockets.

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Permalink Reply by Annette Dominguez on July 13, 2011 at 1:57pm

Hi Erin, I lost my husband 6 months ago. Don't let anyone tell you how long you need to grieve. It will take as long as it takes, end of story. I still can't look at pictures without crying. I still miss my husband so much. I know he is with the Lord now but I still want him here with me. You take as long as you need to grieve. It sounds like you are making progress though and not stuck so you are doing well.

 

Write any time.

Annette Dominguez

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Permalink Reply by Ruth on July 13, 2011 at 6:54pm

Hi Erin,

I hope today had some bright spots for you.  The weather here was beautiful today so I actually went out in my yard and saw a cherry tree, planted last year for my Dad, had exactly one cherry on it this year.  It made me smile.  He liked sour cherries but there aren't enough for a pie yet.  Maybe next year when it blooms again, we can enjoy one in his honor.  Hope all is well with your extended "family".  Ruth

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