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Permalink Reply by Exodus Zusag on June 14, 2010 at 10:15pm

Hi Katylin,
My name is Dee Dee. I lost my mom on May 1st of 09. I know what you mean as I often times feel the same way as you do.
My mom was my best friend and her sudden death at the young age of 64 was devastating for me.
I think now that the shock is over (it took me a year to process), I feel more raw than ever. Because a year has gone by without her the feeling of living without out her is really starting to sink in for me. It almost is as if time stopped for me on the day she died.
I still cannot believe it has been a year since her death. I think the grief takes so long to process that the reality of the situation often times takes a back seat.
I know I am not the same person nor will I ever be. I feel myself finally feeling anger because she did not take care of her health. She did not think enough of us as well as herself to make an effort to live a better/ healthier life. As a result of this we are all now living without her.
When people ask you to "Let Go' of your mom they are trying to help you in an odd kind of way. They cannot possibly know how painful it is to lose your mother.
Grief is a life long process. Anybody who tries to make you feel different for being who you are is ignorant about what it takes to just some days put one foot in front of the other and cope from day to day.
Yes, life does go on, but the pain seems to remain.
As far as letting your mom know how you really felt, how about writing her a letter?I wrote my mom a letter just to process my feelings. In a sense I felt so numb I felt dead. I had to let it out some way and for me this really helped.
You can expect to cry and maybe even get angry but at least you are working through the emotions so you don't get stuck.
I personally think on a spiritual level that your mom already knows these things. I know that when my mom visited me in a dream it was validation that she too is looking after me from above and knows about my life now better than she ever did when she was alive!
Hope this helps.
Feel free to email me if you need to vent.
ezusag@aol.com

Take Care!
Dee Dee

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Permalink Reply by coachlouise on June 16, 2010 at 10:33pm

Dear Kaytlin, I only wish I knew how to show you and others that our love ones are not lost or dead, they are transformed. My mission in life is to serve the otherside letting you and others know they are still with you, and they see beyond our human drama. She knows you love her, and she loves you. My soul tells me to encourage you to plant a rose bush in her honor and watch how the rose bush gives you signs. Remember all a mother wants is for her children to be happy. When you are happy, mother is happy. It may not have seemed that way when she was here, that is because she did not know how to show you, let her show you now. I feel you pain, I send you love, Coach Louise www.amerciasgriefcoach.com

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Permalink Reply by Dani Moses on July 6, 2010 at 5:05pm

It breaks my heart to read this because it sounds so much like my own story. I lost my mom a year ago this July 11th to suicide. I've been, unsuccessfully, trying not to cry all day. It still feels like yesterday when I got a phone call from my sister telling me that my mom had finally succeeded with what she had tried so many times. My sister stopped speaking to me as soon as I got back home from taking care of the funeral arrangements in Canada where my mom lived because she was unhappy with the results of the will and took it out on me. I feel very alone as well dealing with my loss. All I have for support is my dad and his family and they are all very religious, which I'm not. They've told me to "move on" and "let go" as well. I know how bad that feels to hear that because it does feel like a betrayal to your mom to let her go. I can't speak for you but I've been holding on to her memory as tightly as possible and the thought of letting her go scares the hell out of me. I didn't have the best relationship with my mom either. She had a lot of mental problems and she was incredibly mentally and verbally abusive at times. She also lied constantly and was incredibly manipulative. I loved her so much but two years before she died I had enough and finally stood up for myself. I decided to take a break from my mom. It was only supposed to be until I could emotionally be strong enough to have a relationship with her again. She died before I could reconcile with her. She apologized so many times and I was so scared to let her in again. Now I'll never have that chance again. I never stopped loving her and I never will. I am trying every day to be stronger and to be the type of person that I know my mom would be proud of. I can't say that I really have any advice, but to keep going. Take it day by day, or even minute by minute. Try not to make the mistake of hiding from the world like I did at first. If you ever need to talk, feel free to talk to me. I'm not any kind of expert and I don't have all the answers. I'm learning how to deal with this every day just like you. One thing I can offer you is an understanding ear to listen. Take care.

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Permalink Reply by Exodus Zusag on July 7, 2010 at 10:19am

Hi Dani,
Welcome to our group.
I am sorry to hear about the tragic death of your mother. It sounds like she really had a struggle in life. Mental illness is not a pretty thing. I have various family members who have depression issues as it runs in our family. It is a complex problem and very hard to understand at times.
It has been just over a year since my mother's death. She too struggled with depression and was not always the easiest person to be around. Smoking cigarettes was her vice along with unhealthy eating habits and lack of self care. I believe that her unwillingness to take better care of herself lead to her death.
I often think that she did not care about herself enough to change her lifestyle...She just gave up in a sense...
Now we are left to live a life without her. My kids no longer have a loving grandmother...At times when I think of it I get really mad at her. It did not have to be this way!

Keep on Sharing
Take Care!
Dee Dee

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