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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on November 6, 2011 at 7:30pm

adriana, i understand all of the agony. That hole in your heart, I have that too. I guess, no one ever prepares us for what might be ahead for us. Nothing ever prepare us for this type of tragedies in our lives. And like i have told you before, the only thing we have left is to somehow keep on trying. They are bad days, wherein we just want to give up, like yesterday, however, somehow we pull it through, get up and be ready for the next day. That is all we can do. And even though it will soon be 5 months, i think as time goes by it just gets harder on us. Because we are becoming closer to reality. The hit of reality is just so hard to accept. And unfortunately, I do not know the answers to your questions, The Why's??? are just unanswered!.

 

Take Care, and I am here.

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Permalink Reply by Blue Eyes Crying on November 9, 2011 at 6:02am

I'm lost too. My David has been gone 9 1/2 weeks and I never imagined there could be such pain in this world. I don't know what to do with myself or how to do it. I am so lonely. He was everything to me and there is no way even to begin to try to heal the wound to my heart. I feel my life is so purposeless. For 40 years I took care of him, thought of him first, shared everything with him. Now there is - nothing.

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Permalink Reply by Masoom Abbas on November 9, 2011 at 7:00am

Aaah life is like that and we all share same loss and i can understand your feelings becoz im going through same ..... from a happy family we are now to a broken family .... i lost my husband to cancer this year on 19th of august ... we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary on 4th of august, 2011 n he was gone forever on 19th august .....and since last 2 years he was fighting with his illness..... and now i have to answer to 2 year old daughter that where is he? when is coming back .... everytime she cries n ask for dad and my heart cries but i cant do anything ..... ever since we got married we had troubled time but i was still hopeful n i thought he will be okay soon and we will start life again but God has something else for us ..... i miss him being around .... i feel a sadness in my heart....but the hardest part is when my daughter ask about her father ..... though im trying to tell her that he is with God and never gonna come back but she has a hope that one day he will come back ..... i cant sleep whole night ...every time i close my eyes i just see his face and the last moments of his life when i was holding his hand in hospital and he left us forever and i didnt knew that he was gone forever ..... i didnt said goodbye becoz i didnt knew he is going soo far but when i wanted to say him goodbye it was too late and he was gone ..... but this life and it is like that ....we cant do anything but just to live it ..... not for ourselves but for our children....

 

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Permalink Reply by Blue Eyes Crying on November 9, 2011 at 10:41am

It was like that for me too. I knew he was going, knew he couldn't survive. His liver had failed. But he went before I could say goodbye and that will hurt forever. He went so quietly and peacefully. I am grateful for that. But oh, how I wish he could still be here with me. Every day is so difficult. So painful. I don't sleep well wither. Just a little bit at a time, and I can't eat. Nothing tastes good. I have grown so thin and I am beginning to look so old. I don't think my David would recognize me if he saw me now. We were so happy together, always. We were blessed with laughter and love and the desire to be together in everything. So being alone now is so terrible. Terrible. God bless you and thank you for your reply. There is no way to ease the pain. I know that. But in sharing it we can at least ease some of the loneliness.

 

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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on November 9, 2011 at 12:03pm

Hi, Masoom & Blue Eyes

We all widows understand your pain. I never got a chance to say goodbye to my husband neither my father. Both were tragic looses. Never did I see it coming. My husband died instantly. My father died on his sleep from a heart attack. The last time I saw my husband was less than an hour before he died. He left home, healthy, strong, and with a bright look on his face, and handsome as always. Massom, I can relate to your feelings regarding your daughter. I too, feel so helpless with my son, who is also, 2. It hurts the most to know that his daddy is not here with him to care for him or give him love, or just teach him boy's stuff. Nothing in this world, ever, ever, prepared me for this kind of tragedy loss at such a young age. My husband was just 1 month away from turning 30. It is real hard being a "widow" and all that comes along with it. There is just so much loneliness around my house. And feel that I am the only one in the world to feel this way. I feel I am the only one, that feels this pain and that I am alone.

 

Look forward to hearing from both of you, soon.

 

Amanda

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Permalink Reply by Blue Eyes Crying on November 9, 2011 at 5:51pm

And then there come such positive moments. David has been with me so much today. I have been so worried about the car. I have 2 now. One is no good for winter and in storage at the family barn 2 hours away. The other I depend upon. But how to fix it? I don't know these things. But I asked the women at grief group. Four of them mentioned the same man and said he was good, reasonable, and never ripped them off. He doesn't do body work, but gave me the name of the man down the road he sends it to. I went and saw him. He said I needed a whole new right front fender and my car would never pass its next inspection without it. I was devastated - picturing a HUGE bill. In the end, he found a fender the same color as my car and can do the whole thing for 200 dollars. I don't know HOW I did all of this by myself. But I did it, and I am so proud that I did. This was a good, good day. I know David helped, and God did too. I am so humbled and so grateful. This has given me a day of such hope and optimism. I know it won't last, but oh, what a gift this lovely, lovely day has been! I am wishing the same gift for both of you.

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Permalink Reply by Masoom Abbas on November 9, 2011 at 11:32pm

hi everyone

Oh Blues Eyes Crying im happy for you had lovely day .... i wish everyday as lovely for you. I also have to fix my car and that is scray for me coz i never bothered about how n when to fix car. Abbas even though he was soo weak n ill but never let me get in this things but today when he isnot here n i have to do this i feel like this soo scary n hard and it is pending for more thn a month now ... lets see if i get it done by november .....

Amanda first of all im so sorry for your loss that is so hard n your husband was so young, Abbas cut his 35th birthday cake 10 days before he left us alone.  you are right being "widow" it really is hard. now you have to do both mummy's n daddy's role. u have to cook , u have to pay bills, to fix car and all other stuff and everytime u do thse things on your own suddenly something hit mind soo badly that " Abbas is no more here n look u r doing it yourself" and at that moment you want to cry n scream so bad Oh God ! WHY me??? but thn again we sooth our selves by this God knows better thn us n what ever he decides for us that better thn we think.....

ofcourse words never gonna fill n heal our hearts but atleast when we share with each other atleast we can get some positive things from other people around that are going throug same stuff... I also feel like I am the only one and I am alone but that is because of pain we are in .....

 Adriana ! I dont belive if everything is going to better and i dont think we will ever get over this but I think by time we just get use to it

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Permalink Reply by 0br5ye33oxnin on November 9, 2011 at 7:56pm

My husband passed away about 2 months ago.  I still think he'll be sitting in his chair when I come home from the market - or I hear him breathing next to me at night.  I can't believe he left me.  Sometimes the tears just start and won't stop.  I try to keep busy - which really helps - but it is the night. . . . I am just so thankful for what we had.  That gives me so much comfort now.  It's gonna take a while for that hole in my heart to heal.  I'm afraid to be alone.  thank goodness for my two pups.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by adriana gonzalez on November 9, 2011 at 8:11pm

I think we all feel the same way n go thru the same stuff n like amanda says as time goes by it really is harder on us cause reality keeps hiting bad :(.. Do uguys think is ever going to get better? How ? I don't see it!! We lost our partners, I always sit n wonder what god has for us that could be better then the life we had, it will never be the same n I don't know how we do it how do we live with this emptyness???..

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Permalink Reply by Masoom Abbas on November 9, 2011 at 11:35pm

Kathy sorry for your loss ..... nights are really scary and that is the time when u feel alone....

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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on November 9, 2011 at 11:49pm

Good evening Ladies,

It is amazing to know that we all have never met each other never in our lives. And we all share the "same" exact feelings. Blue Eyes, congrats on your positive day, and great way to see things. It is for sure a sign that your husband remains with you and is caring for you from up above. I wish that you have plenty of many days like today.

Kathy, I am sorry for your loss. Nights are in fact the worse of all. No matter how busy we get during the day, at the end of the night, everythings seems to become overwhelmed. That emptiness, loneliness of now just being alone in bed, it is really painful. My husband not here anymore to keep me warm or simply fight with me for the blankets. I have gotten use to having my 2 year old, sleep with me at times, in order to fill in that empty space i now have. Being a Widow, is real hard. We are attempting to get use to a "new" life and all that carries (becoming a mecanic, a handyman, a fixer, a head of the household + a mommy) it is way too much to handle for one day to another.

I urge you, all of you ladies, for us to take "pride" on all we have done up to this day. Although, it may seem that we are not moving forward but backwards, we are "trying" and that is what counts. We are to take this grief "one day at a time.

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Permalink Reply by Blue Eyes Crying on November 10, 2011 at 7:18am

Masoom, you are so right. We will never get over this. We have lost the most important part of our lives - the center of our lives. Kathy, I mourn your loss. I lost my David nine and a half weeks ago. I don't eat. I barely sleep. The nights are so lonely that all I can do is cry. There are so many small things I miss about him. The way he smelled. The way he laughed (he had the most beautiful laugh. You couldn't hear it and not laugh with him.) The way he would touch my hand when he knew I was sad.

I had another EXTREME positive this morning. David died while we were in the process of moving across the country - from Denver back to our original home in Pittsbugh. I had to do all of that by myself, including all the packing. Somewhere during the process I lost track of David's watch that he wore for 40 years and his wedding ring. I have been distraught, thinking them lost forever. This morning I opened a little box, and there they were. I will never let them out of my sight again. I am wearing his ring on my index finger. This has made me so happy.

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