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Permalink Reply by anna l. on November 10, 2011 at 1:56pm

Lynette, I am so sorry you are living in this painful place.  You are in exactly the same place I was 2 months after my husband died.  It was around the two month mark that I started coming out of the fog of shock that he had died and into the world of pain, loneliness, anger, despair that he really was gone and not just away.  I crawled into my bed and never wanted to get out.  There was lots of family and friends that made sure I didnt stay there forever.  I hope you have more than just your son to help you through. Dont expect too much of yourself now, just accept that your life as you knew it has changed and dont expect yourself to get over that quickly.  In time you will feel less out of control, but for now, give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  Hugs from me to you. 

 

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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 14, 2011 at 9:03am

Hi Lynette,

I understand. I feel the same way. Mom died June 26, 2011. It seems forever. She died from organ failure secondary to chemo therapy. We were very close. Share the same birthday of December 19th. My entire life she was my most prescious person. She was a very strong little lady. I miss her. She suffered through radiation on her throat - it was HORRIBLE! Seeing her suffer killed part of me. Watching her died killed the rest of me. I know you didn't get to say goodbye to your dad...I watched the life drain out of my mother's face and it haunts me. I am so very glad I was able to be there and tell her it was OK for her to go with God. But it always will be a curse too. My mother was my angel. She was always there for me. Always. All the things that she use to do that drove me crazy I miss so very very much. My life is completely empty without her. I have no intest in doing much either. I can't waite to get home from work and numb myself with a few cocktails. Otherwise I'd never sleep. I would just cry. Last night I drank a bottle of wine and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I know the alcohol adds to my saddness and depression. But I don't care. My husband of 20 years left me 2 years ago for a younger version of me. I don't even date because I never want to feel that rejection and pain again. I never had kids. I have the most darling little 1940's cottage and I never have anyone over. I just hang out with my Golden Retriever and 4 cats. Life is unbearable - dreading Christmas and our birthday next month. Christmas was ALWAYS our most wonderful time - me and mom. I feel I could to break down but who would actually notice? LOL. My sisters have never been very good to me. Always taking...never giving back. Pretty selfish people. So, I have chosen to stop trying to create a relationship with them that they don't really desire. I am here for you! Sue

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Permalink Reply by Ilana Rabone on November 14, 2011 at 11:56am

It's been a year since I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer and I am still at the point where I just want to be by myself.  I'm trying very hard to get back out and see friends and start dating again, but everytime I talk to someone, all I do is talk about my mother and how depressed I have been.  I talk to a counselor who diagnosed me as having major depression.  Even my Dad started dating again and my brother got married.  I am the only one who can't move on and I don't know why.  My mother suffered so much from the day she was diagnosed, which was only five months.  It was so fast.  Our relationship was love/hate and I wanted so much to come to an understanding with her, but I ran out of time.  I wasn't even there when she died.  She hated me to see her lose her hair and be in so much pain and kept pushing me away.  I kept telling her how much I loved her and I wasn't a child she could just push away.  I was 41 years old and old enough to know what I was doing.  It hurt me so much to see her suffer.  I don't understand how my Dad and brother could move on like nothing happened, yet I'm hurting and no one cares!  I lost so many friends because they just gave up on me.  There are days where I just don't feel like living, but I have a 10 year old son and he's my reason for living!  I know my mother would want me to move on with my life, but even after a year and a half, that is easier said than done.

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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 14, 2011 at 3:17pm

Dear Friend,

I understand exactly where your heart is. My mother was my everything. Yes, we had our "moments" too. Thats what relationships are about. I was very angry with my mother throughout my childhood and teenage years because she smoked cigarettes VERY heavy. I use to blow out my birthday candles asking God to make her quit smoking. My ENTIRE life was about worrying about her getting cancer. Ironically, she quit smoking 25 years ago and took such great care of her self afterwards. The monster cancer...did come and get it anyway. Throat cancer. She died quickly too. I watched her courage under going chemo and radiation. I was the coward. It broke my heart and soul to watch her suffering. She was more of a woman than I could EVER be. I didn't see it until the end. I too had a love/hate with mom. But it was way more LOVE than hate. My father left us when she was 40 and we were in our teens. She became an alcoholic for many years...which was horrible for us to watch. She got sober 25 years ago as well. My entire life I worried about loosing her. Almost controlled everything I did for so long. Now she is gone since June 26, 2011 and I am empty. Woosh...just gone. No more mother to worry about. We share Dec 19th as our birthday. We grew so close throughout the past 20 years. Spending every weekend doing something. My two worst fears in life came true. My husband left me for a younger version of myself 2 years ago and my mom died of cancer. She battled depression, alcholism and cigarette addiction and WON! She raised 4 daughters on her own throughout all of this. My father broke her heart in so many pieces. His selfish decision to walk out on all of us impacted everything about all of us. My sisters have families of their own. I never had kids. I am completely alone. Yes...they are on with their lives because they actually have one. They moved away and had children and traveled and did so many things. I chose to be the one who was there for mom. I do NOT regret it at all. She was a gentle, loving angel. After my divorce - I never could bring myself to date. Can't handle that type of pain again. Rejection at it's finest! I like to think I am a pretty together woman (age 55). I have a great career in Animal Rescue. I just cannot move forward either. I am very sad when I am not at work. Depressed - you bet. I even take an antidepressent. I can't imagine how bad I would be without it. I miss mom so much it hurts every minute. How can we not hurt. Our mother's are no longer with us in the physical sense. PLEASE do not beat yourself up for what you did not get to say or do. Try and embrace what did happen. That is what I am TRYING to incoporate into my head. I choose to be by myself too. Your mother loved you. You loved her. People sometimes go a whole life time not really knowing what made that person tick. I can't say I really knew my mother like I wanted to. But thats how it is Ilana. No sense to torturing ourselves any more than we already are. I wish I had known her the way other people did - so many things were spoken at the funeral. I was kinda jealous when people talked about things they knew and did with her while I was worrying all my life that she was going to die on me. I've gone to therapy. It helps to a degree. But in the end...it's just us and our thoughts. I've had a pretty nice life when all is said and done. I welcome the day I die because hopefully I've earned my way into heaven too. You are not alone in your feelings.

Most of us on the site are struggling to deal with our loss. Love Sue

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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 14, 2011 at 3:19pm

Lynette,

My mother left me her china and I cannot even unpack the box. I want to just pretend she is still here. Sue

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Permalink Reply by Lynette Lachinski on November 14, 2011 at 6:46pm

Hi Sue, your responses really did help me. I lost my mom in early 2002 and thought I would never be happy again. It took a long time, but I can look at her picture and remember her without breaking down and crying. I smile at her memory now. After she died, I blamed my dad and didn't talk to him for 15 years! I found out the day after he died, he was gone. He died practically alone with no family around him. I would've gone to see him. I didn't get to tell him I was sorry for not speaking to him and for holding a grudge. He had a whole life for the past 15years that I am piecing together now and some of what happened breaks my heart. He had heart attacks that I didn't know about. I wasn't there to help him and he was always the one to take us to the doctor when we were kids.  I only focused on the bad things about him and forgot the good things. On top of all of all of this sadness I also have Lyme's Disease so I'm sick a lot. I can't even numb my brain with wine, otherwise I would. At work I can hold off some of the pain, but around 5PM every day I break down. I wonder what it is about that time that makes it so much worse? I also isolate myself from other people. I don't want to bring them down with my sadness. A lot of them think  I should be over this by now, but they dont know what it's like. If you want someone to talk to, I could give you my phone number. We could cry to each other and not feel bad about it:)

Lynette

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Permalink Reply by Bokoy Zialcita on November 16, 2011 at 12:24pm

I'm so sorry for your loss Lynette. Rest assured that you will be with your wonderful Dad again someday to share eternal life.

Big hug.

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