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Permalink Reply by Shantel Collins on September 3, 2011 at 6:46pm

I admit that I cry alot. Sometimes I get angry, but i try to keep it together because my baby niece needs me. I thought about drinking and other destructive behavior, but then realized that won't solve anything. My problems will still be there. I decided that I will start exercising. That releases endorphins that cause happiness or a temporary high that eases depression. I also like to read alot of things regarding spirituality, even though its hard with my slipping faith. Always remember that you have kids and you have to stay strong for them. By brother left me a niece, imagine how his girlfriend felt. This is a woman that layed with him and carried his baby and now she has to raise her alone. However its bad enough the father is out of the picture, it wont do you any good to give up. I never thought this would happen to me either. I wanted to kill myself several months back, and instead my brother died. This must be a sign that he does not want me to give up. The universe decided to take him instead of me. Obviously he finished his path and was of a pure enough heart to move on. I on the other hand, still have work to do and so do you. It will never be ok that he is gone, but it can get better.

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Permalink Reply by adriana gonzalez on September 3, 2011 at 9:49pm

i dont know shantel ill be honest at times i just want to give up... i dont want to feel this pain no more

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Permalink Reply by Shantel Collins on September 3, 2011 at 10:23pm

Trust me I understand how you feel. Its hard to keep going. I dont know how the hell I am supposed to live. Getting out of bed every morning is a struggle. Sometimes I dont even want to take a shower, because f*ck it, why bother. Its hard getting used to not having a brother when I had one for 17 years. For better or for worse, he was MINE and I was his, and I miss him everyday. But then I remember that my brother had a messed up life too, but he fought right up to the very end. Even though he was in a lot of pain, he did not give up. I wanted to kill myself, but my brother didn't. He was not a quitter and I dont want to be a quitter either. He was such a strong young man, he was brave enough to finish it right to the end. I think we owe it to our loved ones to keep on going. They didnt take the easy way out, so why should we? If I give up, all the pain I am going through now is going to be passed on to others. Why would you want your kids to go through that? If they can't have you, they cant have anyone. Its bad enough my niece has to grow up without a father, i dont want to betray her by abandoning her when she is already going to have pain in her heart. I dont want to be selfish and think of my pain alone, and not my baby niece. And as for you, who would your kids have if you are gone? Dont depend on anyone else to do your job for you. No one else can look out for your kids like you can.  They still need you.

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Permalink Reply by adriana gonzalez on September 3, 2011 at 10:47pm

I try n try but is hard to live without my love, we were berly going to be a year in our new house n he didn't even get to be here for that.. Is sad to think about the future .. I don't see a future no more.. My husband was a gangster n he die a gangster ill always be proud of him n remember the way he protect it us.. He had a rough life but he changed for us n now that he was at a good point of his life he had that accident.. He was always so strong .. I can't believe he's gone u know,.. I think even thought we have different situations our pain is the same .. I feel what u feel too.. Why even get up n do something like what the point .. I guess I keep trying for my kids.. N I have no other choice but to keep trying .. Shantel we have to do this .. I don't know how but we still have loved ones that need us ..most important your niece, n my kids.. All we can keep doing is pray ...

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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on September 4, 2011 at 12:43am

Its amazing to see; although we all come from different situations; we all share pretty much the same feelings. With my husband, he was the perfect one for me. He was always so nice and romantic. Never did I knew he cheated or made a bad decision. Always a good father for our son. Our son was his pride and joy. He loved him deeply. He was always so proud and thanked me so much, for making him a father. Our son, Sebastian, looks sooooo very muuuch like my husband. I think 98% of his physical similarities are my husband. We had a great life together. I must admitt, we did have our issues, as every other couple might have, but we loved each other so much. It is just not fair how our lives were changed from one day to another. And all because of MURDER. I cant understand this "new" life of mine. It is so lonely now and coming home without him sucks!!!. I continue to attend weekly psychotherapy sessions, and it helps to vent out. But it all comes back to me. THIS WEEKEND SUCKS! while everyone is enjoying family, and all, I am not. I questions myself for how long more am I going to live without him?

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Permalink Reply by adriana gonzalez on September 4, 2011 at 1:41am

I know amanda I could tell you even thought we had our problems he did love me n was the best father too! My son was born with spina bifida n he was there for him throught it all.. My son looks like his dad too n my daughter ,they both do n now I thank god for that cause I used to say how come my kids don't look like me.. But see god knew why... Yes amanda that's exactly what I said this weekend sucks!! I stayed home with my kids when maybe we couldve gone out camping or the river .. Or ride his bike :( but no we have to accept that from now on this is our new life .. Is sad cause all the holidays are coming n ofcourse is not going to be the same ... Were going to miss them more then ever .. I wish I could hug you amanda .. I wish we could talk n help each other more ... But just know I'm here n I'm going thru the same thing .. Take care amanda .. And always pray ..

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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on September 4, 2011 at 2:21pm

Thanks for your kind words.  We both live in California. Where do you live?

You are right all the holidays, major ones are coming right at us. My son's bday is in two weeks. And I dont know how am I suppose to keep on with this? I close my eyes or see his picture, and cant believe just yet, that he is gone and not coming back again. Why?

 

There are days that are a bit better than others. And when I do get those "ok" days I feel guilty for feeling "ok". I start having anxiety and say to myself "HOW can I be okay" if my husband is gone forever. How am I still alive?

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Permalink Reply by Tim on September 5, 2011 at 7:55am

Hi,I lost my wife a month ago,I have been going Hospice for some help,it does not cost any money,and sometimes they have group meeting,I am going to my first one this week.
Other wise I have not grieved yet,always thinking about her,I guess I will never forget,it is very important to talk to someone,maybe a friend,I went to a place we used to stay overnight,that was a bad move!the whole time I thought about her so it really was not a good move.
Good luck

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