Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by anna l. on July 10, 2012 at 12:38pm

Hi Judy, Im sorry for your losses.  I dont have alot of advice because it took me 9 months or longer to get even a tiny bit of a routine in place.  I did have my dogs to make me get up in the mornings but they only got the basic of care during that time.  Give yourself time to grieve is about all I do know.  Take good care of yourself as your mom taught you to do and be gentle with yourself.  Try to eat healthy foods when you do feel like eating.  Maybe look into doing some volunteer work that will get you out of the house one or two days a week.  I did and it made me feel good to do for someone else even when I didnt feel like doing for myself. 

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Permalink Reply by Judy on July 10, 2012 at 6:13pm

Hello, anna -- You may have thought that you didn't have any advice to give, but you did. I realize now that I have read your page that you have sustained a really, really difficult loss. I read that losing a spouse is harder than losing a parent. I know my father is having trouble, but he won't let on that he is. You told me to take care of myself. I have always been one to try to eat healthy foods, but since all of this happened, I find myself sitting down with a jar of peanut butter and calling it supper (OK, not the whole jar). I now feel like I can try harder. You gave me permission to let the grief take its time. I've been thinking I "should" be better by now (my friends sure think so). Volunteering is a little hard for me as I am disabled, but I can try to think of some things that I can do to help other people. This was a very generous reply to my post, and I want to thank you for taking the time to write it.

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Permalink Reply by anna l. on July 10, 2012 at 9:42pm

Thank you for your reply to me.  About those people who think, say, or roll their eyes as if to say, get over it, you should be better by now.....  IGNORE them.  Be happy for them that they have never felt the pain of loosing someone they love this much, but ignore their comments.  Everyone does this at their own speed and noone is over it completely.  There is a comment thread somewhere here that deals with dumb things people say for a reason.  But we have to forgive them because we know one day they will loose someone close to them and then they will know just how bad they sounded. 

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Permalink Reply by Douglas on August 10, 2012 at 3:17pm

Hi Judy,

 

I am VERY sorry for your losses. My Mom was my best friend of my entire life. We lost our Black Labrador some years before my Mom passed away. I can relate to you. We can never get another Mom, but I do feel it is important to try to get another dog. It won't be the same one, but it will help. Plus, dogs need homes and love! I have a new one and she is wonderful.

 

Do NOT feel the need to "get organized" and set up a "routine." You are dealing with a tremendous amount and time is needed. I lost my Mom 2 years ago and still have grief attacks. Many days I can barely get out of the bed and get the day started. But anyway, I would suggest taking things one minute at a time. Don't make major changes or decisions. Just do what you can and as much as you feel like.

Start simple and do things in small amounts. Keep us posted!

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Hurst on September 7, 2012 at 4:07pm

Hi Judy,

I have been bereaved since age two, some grief doesn't stop, I usually try all the time to have a routine, I find it easier to chat on the internet about bereavment than in person to people.

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Permalink Reply by Judy on September 7, 2012 at 9:50pm

No doubt about that, Sharon. My RL friends are so done with me! I'm sort of amazed by that, actually. A friend of 42 years called me the other day after I'd been crying and asked why I was crying.  ?!?!?!

 

The grief comes unnannounced, so it's pretty hard to get a "schedule" which works with those surprise attacks.

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Permalink Reply by Mark on March 22, 2013 at 2:48pm

Judy,

 

I wanted to reply to this post you made on Sept 7 2012.  I just saw about your friend of 42 years.........  It makes me say about their comment: " really?  they are that cold?", but then I have heard and seen a bit of it myself and heard this does happen. 

Apparently if people have not gone through this (a big loss) then they just don't get it. Some people are just not that empathetic at the best of times, and this just makes it shine through.

 

I have many people who have come and gone as friends in my life (not through death in this respect, just people that don't get it - they don't get that some people are really affected by a loss etc).

 

I have tried to surround myself with people who seem to get some of these things. As for the sudden nessof the grief, thats a hard one, because there again may be people who just dont get it.

 

IF me saying I can relate - as  a male (Since we aren't stereotypically emotional usually), I hope it helps.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Blackwood on September 8, 2012 at 1:26am

Judy, I'm so sorry for you loss! I'm kind of in the situation you are in, I can't seem to get myself motivated to do anything and I don't want to be around a bunch of people..it creates such anxiety. I do, however, have my mom's dog to take care of. We have bonded so much during this difficult time but it's still the most painful experiece I have ever experience before. I would suggest though to definitely start slow, don't rush it. I have tried that, and I think it makes it worse. Another thing that has helped some for me, is to talk or write to them. I write my mom every night before I go to bed. Don't worry about those 'friend'- all of mine including family think I should be over it by now as well. Don't surround yourself around that, I've learned recently that I can still love them but keep my distance from them!

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Permalink Reply by Sandie Eader on September 9, 2012 at 7:57am

I'm sorry for all your losses but so happy to read these posts~ I thought I should be getting it together a little by now. October 2 will be one year since my husband died suddenly in front of me. I took 2 weeks off work and have had a very light case load (social worker) until this week. Now that I have several clients, I feel over whelmed, when before all this happened, it was no big deal. After seeing what everyone else is saying, I see that I just need to still take it easy. My boss tried to give me another client Friday and I declined. I am trying to work on myself and it's hard to advise others when my head and heart just aren't in it!

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Blackwood on September 9, 2012 at 11:05am

Sandie, my therapist said that it will be difficult the first year, since you have to deal with all of the 'firsts' holidays without them. But it can also take longer depending on the situation and the person. Most definitely take it easy on yourself, and do what you feel is comfortable.

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Permalink Reply by Mark on March 22, 2013 at 2:40pm

Judy,

 

I am so sorry. I try not to post too much specifics about dates for my privacy - just something I do - so if I seem vague, it is deliberate.

 

I lost my mother approximately 8 months ago.  It was unexpected, and it was also around some significant dates in the year.

 

I have been told that life after the death of someone or something important (eg pet) is huge; we cry for the loss of the one we really loved.  I have been told that there is no "returning to normal"; it is more that we get a "new" normal.

 

I am dreading to some degree Easter, and other significant events upcoming. I am trying to push ahead, but I do "get" the disorientation part.  It's almost like if one looks at it, there is a dividing line, how things were before the death(s) and how things are now.  I don't know if there is a specific timeline to turn the page as it were.   I personally find myself hating travelling down certain roads and streets where I live because it will take me back to something in my memory where I remember one or both of my parents. Those memories make me sad; I try to be happy, but with a big hole of loss, I am now trying to slowly add some things to look forward to. I know life will never be the same.  When you remove something so big in your life - like my parents were to me -its hard to see life without them.  I have to slowly (or really maybe its not slowly) realize and accept they are gone. I have to carry on as best as I can . I try to honour them, but I am not going to over stress myself. I have trouble thinking of going to my parents graves right now. I pray and think of them often.  AS I have said previously to others, I found going through  grief group(s) locally with some of the free resources, quite helpful.

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Permalink Reply by Danny on December 7, 2013 at 5:05pm

Great post Mark.  The key is we will have to add some things as you said at some point.  Indeed it is best to get away from the city where your parents live for a few months.

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