Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 17, 2016 at 8:31pm

I feel very much as morgan does. My husband died nearly four years ago, and life sucks as much now as it did then. The shock has partly worn off, but not entirely.  This is not real life.  This is horrific, and I do not want it. I hope there is an afterlife in which I will happily exist with my husband and eventually our other loved ones, but even if there isn't I would prefer complete obliteration to this "existence".

I hope things are or become better for you. It's different for each person.

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Permalink Reply by Robin on August 21, 2016 at 3:51pm

I usually just scan these posts, I have on & off for a couple of years.  I've posted just a couple of times.  It's been six years for me since my husband passed away suddenly at 46.  We had been together for 20 years, no kids, so he was my whole life.  I feel a lot like Morgan and bluebird. I can go to work, because i have no choice, and pretend to be normal, I think I'm pretty good at it, because what I've found is people that haven't been through this, don't really want to hear about it.  I've always been a really strong person, who can handle a lot, but this took it all out of me.  In some ways it's harder now, because I've come to realize this is my life now, and it pretty much sucks.  I have a little rescue dog, that I got 3 years ago, who keeps me going.  I've thought about ending it all as well, but knowing my luck, I'd screw it up somehow!  I have family, and a few close friends, but they all have lives, I participate in some things, but at this point, if I can't be with John, Id rather be alone.  I'm so sorry for all of your losses, I know exactly how you feel.  There is some comfort in knowing that someone else knows how you feel, because sometimes the pain is unbearable.  

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 21, 2016 at 4:42pm

{{{{{{Robin}}}}}}

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Permalink Reply by Robin on August 21, 2016 at 4:49pm

Thanks bluebird, very sweet. I know you get it, weekends are the worst...

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 21, 2016 at 4:58pm

True. During the week (except Wednesdays, as I'm off on Wednesdays and weekends) I'm at work during the day and I spend most evenings at my sister's, having dinner there and watching science fiction series on dvd.  If my husband were alive, we would be spending the evenings and the weekends together, and I would spend a fair number of Wednesdays with my sister (that's how it was before he died, during the few months we lived here near my sister). Now I try not to go out at all on the weekends, or on Wednesdays.

Do you find that staying home on weekends is better for you, or going out?

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Permalink Reply by Robin on August 21, 2016 at 5:19pm

A lot of weekends I hang out with my sister and her husband, but that's usually just on a Saturday, but not every weekend.  They live 5 minutes from me.  I spend a lot of weekends, and every week night alone.  I work all week, and have weekends off.  I'm really ok during the week, I'm tired after work, and I get up really early on weekdays.   I've learned to be my myself, and actually prefer it now, even though it's lonely.  If I go out with a friend, it's rare, I've kind of isolated myself, because everyone is normal and are involved in their own lives, and i have to act like I'm ok and normal all week, and I just can't do it on the weekends. One of my closest friends has told me I need to join the living, but I can't really do it.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 21, 2016 at 5:20pm

Yeah, I understand all that. Isolation is better than the fake "life" that exists now.

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Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 1:40pm

Make something new. Marvel at it.

Do it again.

Repeat as necessary.

It helps.

Feel free to screw it up. You're new at it. Just screw it all up. No worries. That's the important part. Get all that mess out of your system.

Ps - by "New" I mean something that you've never made before, e.g. a hand-made pizza from flour and yeast and tomatoes and milk to fully-crafted cheese pizza (plus veggies or whatever). That or maybe a small box with wood-burn embellishments. That or a new no-till garden that you don't have to weed because you made it on top of cardboard with 6" of soil and compost mix (if you want to garden hard, learn from Singing Frogs Farm). Just learn something new and surprise yourself. Then give it away if you find a use for it. Kids will cling to the strangest things.

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Permalink Reply by Maxey on August 22, 2016 at 4:20am

Hi, Bluebird,
I just got back from a week's vacation with my family, and I felt alone all week even though they were with me. I enjoyed their company and did a lot of things, but the entire time I kept thinking of how much I wished my husband was with me. I kept thinking of all the times we went on vacation and the things we did. The memories flooded my mind, and I felt lonely and sad instead of enjoying myself. I pretended to have a good time, I smiled, I laughed, I talked, but inside there is a shell.
I, like you, have let me health go; I haven't been to the doctor in the ten months since my love died, and I have stopped taking my medication. I can feel my body starting to age, and I have a feeling that it knows I want it to stop living. I can also see the change in my face in the mirror. Lines and a look of sadness seem to stare back at me; it is as if the body knows that it is no longer needed or wanted.

My family dropped me off last night, and I came into the house knowing the hollow feeling would emerge. It came in a tsunami this time, so sleep evades me, and I decided to write to my comrades that share my feelings.
Again, I will go back to bed and hope for the relief of death. I will talk to my husband as I lay in the empty bed, I will cry for a while until sleep takes me, then I will wake again to another day of grief. I long for a few minutes of sincere peace and relief; I doubt if I will ever feel it again since this despair is so heavy.

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Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 1:46pm

I have to look forward or I just want to lay down and die. My son needs a dad. He needs a mom too but I can't find a woman who will step up and do that for him.

She died when he was 5 so he didn't know her well. He has not had a mom since despite much meticulous labor to find and keep one. I'm not very good at it because I lost my mom at age 7 to some witch coven nonsense her sister got her into. Her mind is gone.

Keep your focus forward. Always. The past will hit you from behind but that hurts a lot less than the past hitting you in the face. Face it only when you have to and like you want to kick its butt.
I've dealt with it for over 8 years and some days the pain feels as fresh as ever. I even drug out her class ring and necklace last week. Not a good idea. I lost 2 days to that.
I need someone new so I can leave the old behind.

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Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 1:52pm

I have a rollercoaster. Some days I am fine alone, others I simply need a wife to love on and make stuff for and ask her opinion. That's just how it is. I don't get a choice and folks who constantly tell me "get over it, it's been almost 8 years!" and "Just move on already, there's plenty of pussy out there!" just do not get it. I'm upset at how shallow and callous each and every one of them is regarding the matter and how brash, brutish and abrasive they are when I just can't function. It's not like I get a choice. It just happens, like a sudden lightning storm wrecking the world for a couple hours... it just happens. It's a force of nature localized to you.

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Permalink Reply by Betsy on August 17, 2016 at 8:36pm

I'm sorry that some of you are still having such a hard time. I'm okay most of the time as long as I stay busy. I think that is the secret.

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