Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shannon Thorn on August 6, 2016 at 6:41pm

Hi Betsy,

It's been seven for me.  I already posted a book on it but suffice it to say even all these years later there are days when it feels like he died yesterday.  And don't expect anybody to get it who hasn't been there--it won't happen.  That may not be what you want to hear, but that's been my reality of it.  Anyway, if you want to talk more, I'm here.

Shannon

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Permalink Reply by Christopher on July 22, 2018 at 1:49pm

I have the same experience and have talked to others who experience likewise, so it's a general fact regardless of age or gender. That's just how it goes.

We'll be here, off and on. Hopefully.

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Permalink Reply by Francine Goodman on August 7, 2016 at 8:41pm

Hi Betsy,

I lost my dear husband two years ago very suddenly. I am surviving, but not happily. We were married 39 years, and I never thought we wouldnt get to retire together. I am proud to say we had a wonderful marriage. We have had two grandchildren since he passed. I know this should bring me joy, and it does, but the pain is also there that he isn't here. Please share your thoughts.

Fran

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Permalink Reply by morgan on August 8, 2016 at 12:04am

I am at three and half years.  Time has not made a difference in how much I miss my husband.  If anything, the times when I miss him have gotten harder to get through and they are not lessening to the extent that I feel I am getting better.  It just feels as though I am stuck in some alternate universe watching everyone else go through the motions of living.  I participate in their universe,  I just don't live there.  

Every day, more and more,  I want my life to end.  This isn't depression. I just am tired of fighting back the tears in order to get through moments of what most people would call being normal.  Nothing is normal. I am working hard and I have spent years proving to myself and others that I am doing everything I know how to do to survive but my mind is constantly reliving the times with my husband.  The present, the moments I am living through now, are loathsome.  I don't want a future.  The only thing I want is my husband and my past and I know I cant have that so I just want this all to end.  The pain during the times when I miss him so terribly come often and are debilitating.  I don't want to continue living like this.

I have only one goal.  To die as soon as possible because no one can call what I am doing now living.  If there was a way to be done with this life without a lot of drama I would do it in a second. It's just not that easy.  We are born and taught that life is so precious and we should not do anything to harm ourselves or others.  It is so ingrained in us we continue to endure the most excruciating pain of grief no matter how much it hurts.

I have had such a hard time getting to sleep at night so I am up until all hours and in the mornings I just don't want to open my eyes because I know I have to face another day without my husband. During the day I keep busy and do what I can to keep from crying but I realize that no matter how much I do the crying always returns, almost daily, if not several times a day and I go through times (like now) when I miss him more than ever. and the breakdowns are triggered so easily.  I simply don't know how to keep doing this.  

Is this the kind of grief everyone experiences?  I don't think so but I think it is happening to far too many of us than is recognized and no one wants to admit that it is the normal result of losing the one person who made our lives worth living.  

Sorry to be such a downer but I just cant see an end to this and I am desperately trying to relieve the pain.  The writing is just one more way I try to keep going but I really am running low on ideas.  

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Permalink Reply by Betsy on August 8, 2016 at 7:49am

Morgan, I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I know I felt that way sometimes after Tom died but I don't feel that way at the moment. I do know that whenever I felt that way, I talked to people. I went to counselors and I even went on anti-depressants for awhile. They definitely helped and I went off of them when I started to feel better.

I can't say that I have any answers for you but my heart aches knowing that you feel that way. And I'm not going to give you any of those trite comments like "your husband wouldn't want you to feel that way." I know how unhelpful those comments can be. I know for me, personally, I just have to stay busy. I run myself ragged staying busy because when I get too bored, that is when the depression hits me. 

I wish I had some answers for you. Sometimes I think that it has to do with the kind of relationship we had with out spouse. My husband was pretty much everything to me so losing him was very traumatic. 

I wish I knew what to say to help you. 

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Permalink Reply by morgan on August 8, 2016 at 11:18am

Betsy, there's nothing that can be said but I appreciate the sentiments.  They always contribute to making me not feel so alone but the feelings  of missing him always come back in spades at some point after I reach out no matter what.  

I have stayed SO busy.  It is the only thing that keeps me from driving off a cliff (not literally).  i have just come to realize that no matter what I have done (or do) there are triggers that surround me and kick off my feelings and down I go.  

Some times much worse than others and some hours of a day I always spend acting normal.  But the bottom line is I miss him, I want him back, I can't have that and so my only recourse is to deal with the crying that has continued for years.  

Should I take meds?  I think I have also realized that I can stay level for awhile but not  knowing when I am going to have a crying episode the pill I take is not going to know that either.  It isn't about keeping me level.  I have done that on my own.  It's about episodic breakdowns and there is never rhyme or reason as to when they happen.  And unfortunately they have just taken a toll over the years and it has worn me out.

I just don't really need this life anymore.  It is like a dead weight (how apropos) around my neck.  I had everything I ever wanted in life and at my age and what I have done I just don't need it anymore.  But thats just me.  Id just rather make space for someone who wants it but it doesn't seem I have any choice. So here I am again today trying to make sure my car keeps running ok, going to go grab some groceries, need to go buy a new external for my computer, and will go do some demo on a house I am working on.  Its just life right? And for me it sucks.  I would much prefer another arrangement.  Not depressing, just fact.

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Permalink Reply by Betsy on August 8, 2016 at 11:37am

I understand what you are saying because I have felt that way many times. I mean I have felt exactly the same way in just about everything you have said. All I can say is that for me, the feeling eventually passes. And then comes again. LOL. I just recently joined a facebook group for widows and widowers because I wanted to know how many people still feel down after 2+ years. There are a LOT of us. 

For me, I can even laugh about it sometimes. I mean, I just feel like it is so freaking unbelievable that my life has turned out this way. Nobody I know really has any idea how sad I am inside except for a few other widows. I even posted a comment on my facebook page the other day saying I wanted to shrivel up and die and people were putting LOL's on it. The funny thing is, my mood had lifted again by the end of the day and I didn't feel so sad anymore. But it bugged me at first that no one really GOT that I was saying that I was really sad. I just try to hang onto the hope that someday, somehow I might find happiness again. 

I do think that it all comes in waves and that eventually the waves will be fewer and farther between. I think the first year was rough because the loss was so intense. And then the second year was worse because everything was finally starting to settle in. And for me, this period between the second and third year is hard becuase I'm starting to realize that this is just my life now. Its really, really hard for me to do things I don't want to do but if I want my life to be different, I know I have to do something about it. So I'm trying to push myself, in just baby steps. And it helps that I have one widow friend that I met in grief support and I can always call her because she always gets it. I think that is important. When Tom first died I called just about everyone I knew who was a widow to see if they had any secrets for me. Of course, none of them did. But they all at least get it. Most of them have moved on to another stage of their life so it helps me to have my friend who is at the same stage that I am.

I don't know about you but I have sort of a depressive personality anyway. That made this whole thing a lot harder. 

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Permalink Reply by morgan on August 8, 2016 at 1:07pm

Betsy,

The feelings we have over losing our beloved  come and go for me too.  It is not like I am in my hole 24 hours a day but as this third year has started I am now going into a different phase than I was in for the second year.  Mainly the second year was realizing that this is now reality, that the shock to my system was wearing off and I had to get up and do things and try to find a track, reconstruct a life.  I have done a multitude of things in order to find a new path.  Grief groups, counseling, trying to go out to events that I couldn't even bear the first year, trying to talk to people in general, I relocated and rehabbed two separate homes so I have kept myself occupied the second year in order to distract myself.  

Now in the third year I am coming around to understanding that I can keep myself doing things, I know this is how grief is and I push myself still.  What is different about it now is that the absolute certainty of knowing he is gone....forever and no one cares about me like he did makes it all pretty pointless.  Doing things to keep myself going knowing this is my new normal doesn't make me want to accept that he is gone anymore than I did. 

I have no desire to love again.  I had it all. No one would ever measure up and besides, I could not share that sacred trust again with anyone.  He took it with him when he died and I cannot establish that with anyone else.  So the longing for that kind of connection with another human being is still strong but only for him.  The need to love him is the only thing I never buried.  It is still as strong as the days we lived and loved.  

I too find knowing that others are struggling at times like me helps.  In fact, I am trying to find out about a grief support group here where I have temporarily relocated.  But the boost I get is the same as writing here.  Temporary and transient.  Nothing can come close to what I need and so when I drop into my hole (thats what I call it) the struggle of finding motivation to come out of it is still so difficult.  

And no one who hasn't had to struggle with that can get it totally.  

You should hold onto the hope of finding happiness. I tried to find not happiness but just relief. And I have had some of that too but it is not enough to keep me from wanting for this to finish.  The drops into the hole are so debilitating.  

And I have never considered myself a depressive personality but I have always looked at life very pragmatically.  I just believe we all have personal limits no matter how hard we try or believe.  I am pretty sure I have reached a very distinguishable personal limit in losing the one man who was my heart and my soul.  At 64, after 35 years of marriage and having known him since second grade (55years) I'm tired,I'm ready, I just have to wait it out and bear the pain.

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Permalink Reply by Maxey on August 11, 2016 at 2:19pm

I am in the 10th month of losing my husband of 55 years, and I agree with you about the "pointless' aspect of our loss. I am 76, and I now ask the Lord each night to take me home. I really have gotten involved with friends and activities, but they only serve to distract me for a time.
I come home to the empty house, and I, too, realize this is it - I am alone. I have family, but they live in the present and future; I seem to now live in the past when I was happy and content with my love.
As you said, nothing comes close to the love that my husband gave to me; no one will ever care as much as he did.
Living for another 10+ years scares me so much; it is on my mind constantly. My wish is to now leave this world and the pain I cannot seem to tolerate.
It seems merciful for the Lord to end this for me; I hope He agrees!

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Permalink Reply by morgan on August 11, 2016 at 11:05pm

Barbara,

Every day I will myself to die.  I don't have a belief in a god I just want to diminish my health to the point that it gives out.  I know I have done some major damage to my neural system over the past years and I can only hope that from a  physical standpoint my body won't hold out.  

Its so odd.  After this long I have had to come to a place where I know I am breathing but I have no desire to continue.  Each morning I swear and hate getting going because I have to get through another day without my beloved. 

And every night I hate going to bed and try different things to try and get some sleep because my rhythm now is so erratic.  All I can do is think about how I crawled into bed with him night after night.  I sleep with the t-shirt the EMTS cut off of him.  

Distract, yes.  That's all this is.  Other than that it is only about paying bills.  Wow, isn't that such a joy, not.  Like you I  live in the past.  Everything I do is connected to my past.  All i want is to be in his arms once again.

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Permalink Reply by Betsy on August 8, 2016 at 7:55am

Thanks for the replies. 

I lost my husband about 2 1/2 years ago. I always, ALWAYS told him that I loved him too much and that I wouldnt' be able to handle it if he died. I am a real introvert and I have never needed a lot of extra people in my life so when my husband died very suddenly, I was just lost.

The grief and the sadness and the periods of being able to handle it come in waves. I can be fairly content some days and even HAPPY somedays (yesterday was particularly happy) but then the sadness will just hit me again. I can never really figure out why. 

I don't feel like anyone really understood me the way my husband did so now I just sort of feel like an outcast in the world. I don't really feel like I am still "grieving" but I think I am still sad quite often. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I was really, really happy in it and I just don't feel like I will ever feel that happy again.

I believe a lot in the power of positive thinking and all that stuff but it is REALLY hard to be positive and optimistic about ever having that kind of love again. I'm 60 years old and I just think how hard it would be to go for the next 20 or 30 years without being in love.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Schardine on August 8, 2016 at 9:31pm

I feel your pain. I finally found the love of my life after 3 failed marriages. I was so happy and had such a wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I moved out of Utah and moved to Idhao, I found my own friends and loved it here. After a year battle with cancer, I had to slowly watch him die. I have had a very difficult time, but I am trying to see what good will come lout of this. Something has to or I'll die, some days that's what it feels like. I have wonderful friends, but most don't really know what I feel, I do have a few who are widows and they are moving forward, but it's something I think we all have to live with, not get through. They will always be with us.

I feel that I have to have love again some how to live out the rest of my life, I know I have to have patience, every time I start to get close to  dating I feel claustrafobic and I hate it!

Good luck my friends!!! Nice to know people are here for us!

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