How to support a family member who lost her baby, while I myself am pregnant?

This feels like a very sensitive topic, but I could really use some advice:

My sister-in-law lost her full-term baby suddenly, five years ago. The baby, a girl, died due to an infection that my sister-in-law got and that her doctors ignored for too long. Since then she has tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant again.

My question/dilemma is this: I am now 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby (a boy), and my sister-in-law cannot be around me--this began as soon as I started showing, about 8 weeks ago. She also won't return my husband's calls, and deleted both of us from her Facebook friends as soon as we posted our ultrasound photo, which obviously we were excited to share with all of our friends/family. She skipped the family's Thanksgiving this year because she doesn't want to be around pregnant people.

However, her sister (my other sister-in-law) has had 2 children in the last 5 years and was never avoided like this and neither were her kids when they were born. I can't help feeling a bit hurt and also somewhat resentful that I've been put into a weird position where I feel guilty about going through what is the happiest time of my life. My husband's mother also has difficulty visiting with me, in that she tends to cry each time and invariably the lost baby becomes the topic of discussion.

Really, I'd just like to hear from someone who has a better understanding of what my sister-in-law is feeling, and help me shed light on her side of the situation and what--if anything--I can do to try to support her and understand her aversion to me and/or the baby. Right now I feel like I can't share any fun news about the baby with my husband's side of the family without pouring salt in a wound.

Thank you,

Tags: Baby loss/Stillbirth

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Permalink Reply by donna on December 5, 2009 at 11:59am
I have lost a baby during pregnancy, (not as far along as her, 6 mo. for me.) It is difficult to deal with but I think she is going too far. She will always have thoughts no matter who the pregnant person is. I really think you should schedule some time to talk and let her know you love her and understand her loss, but you would love for her to be a part of your lives and ask HER how to deal with it.
Permalink Reply by Adrianna Beavers on December 5, 2009 at 7:35pm
Thank you Donna. Actually, she wasn't full term - I was mistaken (I didn't know her then)...she was also 6 months along.
I appreciate your reply, I also thought she was going a little too far, but having never been through such a loss, I wasn't sure if I was justifed or just insensitive. So thanks :)
Permalink Reply by Tania Taylor on December 7, 2009 at 1:31am
While I have never been graced with the ability to have children I understand some of what your sister in law is feeling. I look at people walking down the street pregnant and wish it was me. I get so jealous and it hurts to see family members pregnant. I have a niece in law who had a baby at 18. Originally we were going to adopt it and then she decided to keep it. I see this child at every family occasion. It is so hard but I try and I still love this baby very much. My friends all have young children and I try to avoid looking at ultrasounds and other birth related stuff just because it hurts so much. However I do have younger nieces and I treat them as if they were my own. The slightly older ones (13 and 11) stay with me after their family vacation to give mom and dad a little together time and I go during school breaks to watch them all. There are 5 of them (1, 4, 6, 13, and 11). My sisters and brothers know my difficulties in having children and that it was all I ever wanted to be, a mom. They allow me to be a second mom to them all. So that makes the pain much less. You just have to think how hard it is for your sis in law. Losing a child and then having difficulty being able to have another. I know I feel like a failure about it. Maybe she does too. It is hard to see ultrasounds and baby bumps. You just need to understand that she is not doing it to be mean, she is doing it because she is hurting. Talk to her. Tell her you understand, and maybe ask her to help you with raising your new son. Even if it isn't very often, even those one time a year or several times a year can help a person who is grieving. While you see it as a wonderful and joyous occasion, she sees it as painful memories.
Permalink Reply by Adrianna Beavers on December 9, 2009 at 6:07pm
Thank you, Tania. I see what you're saying. It's just difficult to feel like I'm being shunned by my baby's aunt just for being pregnant. Maybe I'll contact her, but I'd like it if she contacted me with some kind of explanation (I've only heard 3rd hand) for her behavior. It's hard to know what the best course of action is here, everybody reacts to things in their own way and the last thing I want is to cause her MORE pain by saying the wrong thing!!
Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on January 7, 2010 at 12:53pm
i know there are things that triggure grief. You pregnancy is probobly trigguring theirs. I know my daughter was 15 when i lost her so now if i see moms and daughters that age together it makes me cry.

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