Helpless

Senior year of high school started last week for me. I don't know what to do. I work so hard, I try to be the best person I can be, and I don't take people for granted. I take care of my responsibilities, breathe deep when I get a chance, and make sure to let the sun in.

But. This. Pain. Is. Killing. Me. I can't think about my twin. I see him in my mind and immediately have to hold back tears. My thoughts cease. It feels like cars crashing in my brain. He's supposed to be HERE with ME, I literally feel sick without him. 

Every day in school I do all my work, I talk to friends, I stay on top of things... but it's gotten so bad I can't even get through the school day without freaking out. We were in all the same classes since kindergarten. Whenever I go to the bathroom, if I'm alone for just a second, I have to think, "Don't cry, don't cry..." 

Today I got so desperate that I actually texted/emailed/facebooked all my best friends and close cousins privately about it. I NEVER talk about my twin because it's so hard. I haven't said anything about him since our birthday in May. And today I finally asked for help.

One cousin straight up IGNORED it. A few friends just wrote, "Aw, man I don't have a lot of experience in that field, sorry Molls..." A few wrote back frowny faces. Nobody wanted to deal with it.

Like... I hardly ever ask for help, man. But I NEED it now, I need help, I don't know what to do, I'm so sick and desperate and sad and I don't know how to live like this, God I miss him.

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Permalink Reply by Cyn Rios on September 18, 2013 at 9:10pm
I know Mel I don't have the best support outside of here either I worry about your posts though please know I'm thinking of you I miss my brother too..I cried today at work a few times I couldn't hold it together then I'm scared o mixin my meds just so I can sleep I feel alone a lot but I fight the pain and acceptance that he's gone..it is really hard but you can talk to me you are not alone remember we are still here..I think of how bad it is for me but your pain makes me humble...here for you sending u blessings cyn
Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on September 23, 2013 at 2:01am
Hi Mel. I'm in the same boat as you. I lost my beloved mum on this 22 july . Its just been 2 months since she passed away and people expect me to *move on* (how I detest those words). Guess what people are insensitive, selfish, indifferent and self absorbed. You need to talk to someone who can relate, listen and be a healing force to you. Ever since I lost my mom my world has ended. She was EVERYTHING to me. Now everything else seems trivial and useless. I had a very special unique bond with my mum . She was the most wonderful person, the greatest mum , the most purest, noble soul.I will never get over this loss . I appreciate that you are making an effort to go through the motions but be kind to yourself Mel. The bond twins share is special and often not understood by others. Pray for your twin, talk to him. Pray to the almighty, the universe or nature to show you the way. I'm here to talk and listen. The pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness I feel is very intense. I understand you must feel the same. Take care.
Permalink Reply by Lisa Westgate on October 22, 2013 at 11:10pm

Hi Mel,

I would say it will get easier and I really hope it does for you.  I wish you a good senior year and continue to be strong but know you don't have to!  I am here if you need to talk and vent or even just break down.  I wish that you didn't have to go thru it the way you are feeling.  Just know it IS ok to cry get angry and be sad.  If you allow yourself to do this you will hopefully find some peace and a way to get thru the moment, day, week...etc.  I wish you well. I'm here.

Hugs,

Lisa

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