Heavy Heart

I just joined this group. I needed something.... I feel totally sad and lonely. I have no one to talk to about how much I miss my Father. I lost him to the terriable diesease of cancer. All I can think about is how he suffered. I can't get to the other wonderful 30 years we spent together before that. If its hard to tell, I am a true bonafide daddy's girl. I miss him so much. Tonight the sadness just seems overwhelming. No one in my family talks about it. I've been through the counseling stage, guess I need to go back. I'm not sure what I hope to gather from joining this group, all I know is that I need someone to talk to that undestands. My brother drinks a lot since his death. I would be so mad with him cause I didnt understand why he was doing that. I just realized tonight that he does that to cover up the pain. I try to cover mine with all the drugs the doctor has prescribed for me. I just realized its basically the same thing. Whether day or night, when my heart starts feeling to heavy or that movie reel of his last days starts to play, I pop a pill and pray that it kicks in soon so that I don't cry myself into hysteria. I have to do something about that but its the truth. Is there anyone out there that understands???

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Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on April 16, 2009 at 3:27am
Permalink Reply by Stephanie on April 17, 2009 at 9:16am
Thank you so much
Permalink Reply by Margaret R. on April 16, 2009 at 9:14am
I imagine that we all understand to some degree or the other, Stephanie. For myself, I've lost both my dad and my mom and it was very, very painful. But nobody really knows what it's like for YOU to lose YOUR dad. So, in that sense, your pain is unique to you.

What I can tell you is that alcohol and pills weren't much of a help for me in the long run. I drank and drank to escape the pain of loss. It worked to the extent that I achieved a kind of numbness and didn't have to feel so much. Later, though, I got sober. Now, keep in mind that I'm an alcoholic and not everyone who drinks alot after a death is one. I am and so when I drank, I DRANK.

When I got sober, I had to deal with the grief. Even though it had been over 9 years since my dad died, I had to feel the pain, mourn his loss, and eventually, come out on the other side. It was the same thing with mourning my mom.

After I quit drinking, I lost my husband and for a short period of time, a doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. That enabled me to function, take care of my family, go to work, and still grief. It didn't cause me to stuff the grief and totally numb me out.

People talk about time being a great healer. As much as I resent the fact that something so trite could be true, I have found that it is true. I can still have a moment or a few hours when I am focused on the pain of loss. What I find, today, is that I have to accept those feeling. I don't have to LIKE them or the reason for them, but I have to accept them or I'll go nuts!

Take care, Stephanie. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Permalink Reply by Stephanie on April 17, 2009 at 9:16am
Thank you for your words and encouragement, it is greatly appreciated!
Permalink Reply by Nancy Gershman on April 16, 2009 at 10:26am
Stephanie, have you considered art therapy? Some place where you can go after work or on weekends and do something with your hands and your heart -- with other people who are turning pain into art? You will find yourself needing those pills less and less. When you go to sleep at night, you can have your artwork up near your bed and talk to your Dad about it. He'd be happier you are creating something than destroying yourself.

N
Permalink Reply by Stephanie on April 17, 2009 at 9:17am
No, I have never considered art work since I have always thought of myself as uncreative. It sounds very intresting. I will look into it. Thank you
Permalink Reply by Margaret R. on April 17, 2009 at 6:33pm
You are quite welcome. Hope this day has been more peaceful.
Permalink Reply by Margaret R. on April 17, 2009 at 6:34pm
You are quite welcome. Hope this day has been more peaceful.
Permalink Reply by Tammy on April 18, 2009 at 12:09am
Oh honey, I feel your pain. My father just passed away April 11. I have not been on-line to share that. I was too a Daddy's girl. I thought of him as my hero. I had the fortunate experience of being here with him, in his home, holding his hand, when he died. I don't know how your father passed away, but I can tell you about my experience and maybe something I write can help you.
As I said, he was my hero. He was a military man then worked in a couple factories until he was not longer able. He had COPD (which I know covers all the lung diseases). He got fairly dependant on needing my mom to care for him, then on June 15, 2008, she died. She was not is good health either, but she went first. I really did not have much time to grieve due to my father needing help. I live 3 hours from him. Time passed and he got sick almost 4 weeks ago. He previously bounced back, but this time he didn't. He ate well, talked well, basically played a good game of rehabiliatling. I was given a choice as to leave him there or bring him home. I chose.............bring him home. He came home in an ambulance and within probably no more than 10 minutes he left this world. And I am sure you are wondering.......what does this have to do with me?
I ADORED my father, WORSHIPED my father. My husband is actually jealous of my feelings for him. As I said he was my hero.
After my mom died, I was like.....ok........ I can deal with this. .................However .............what will I do when my DADDY dies?
I can tell you this.............My father was a great man.... My father was a great DADDY. I will go on and even be happy because of what he taught and gave to me. I have soooooooooooooo many memories and my devotion to him is unreallistic. How am I, after only a few days since his death ok??????? Because my Daddy deserved more that suffering. My Daddy deserved the best. He earned the right to die in peace and be there ever after. Death is sad for us, not for them. Have faith!!!!!!!!!!! My faith grew the day I held my Daddy's hand as he was leaving. It was amazing. I can't describe it. Maybe I will find someone good with words,

Keep talking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Tammy
Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on April 18, 2009 at 7:46am
You brought back memories of a counselor telling me that I put my father on a pedestel and he shouldn't be on that pedestal. Honestly, I can't believe anyone ever said that to me. My challenge is that I never met my Dad but heard many stories about him, good and bad. Even though I never met my Dad, I miss him more than I can convey here.
Permalink Reply by Eve on April 18, 2009 at 9:43am
I lost my father more than 23 years ago. I still miss him. And, sometimes, I still cry. Tears can be a wonderful release for grief. They help to wash away the sadness and let us remember more of the good times. Don't hide from your tears - use them to help you heal. (((((Stephanie)))))
Permalink Reply by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on April 26, 2009 at 10:07am
Hi Stephanie,

As someone who is living with cancer, I think I may know what you may be feeling; not from my own perspective (I don't have any pain), but from the perspective of my wife and adult children. I know as they look at me, they think about what I might eventually experience. At times, it makes it difficult for them to live with me in the present and enjoy life as it is now.

I'm sure your father did suffer. As a hospice volunteer, I've been with many patients as I witnessed their pain and held their hands as they died. I've found, in spite of the pain, many were able to look back on their lives, especially ones who had family members they loved and kept those thoughts close as they began their journey. I know it may be hard to blot out the memories of his pain, but know that you were probably in his thoughts more than was his pain. I hope this helps.

Stan

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