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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on July 15, 2016 at 9:40pm

I understand how you feel. Sudden deaths are so hard. One's entire reality is suddenly altered, a reality we never asked for or wanted. Life can change on a dime. It is like our loved ones simply vanished off the face of the earth. I'm having a lot of difficulties wrapping my head around my loss. I send you my condolences. I can't say it will get better soon, but know you are not walking this path alone.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on July 15, 2016 at 10:45pm

Cecilia you need to just take things very slowly right now and take care of yourself. Try to just get through one day at a time and do not be overwhelmed by the future and worry about that. Just try and find the joy in little things to lift you up even just for a minute. Each day be gentle with your self and focus on your little one. For now just be in the moment.

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Permalink Reply by Cecilia on July 16, 2016 at 8:33am

The worst thing is as bad as I feel I can't cry. I don't know why. I feel I need to cry to release some of the grief but anytime the tear approach something justs suppresses them again

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on July 16, 2016 at 1:50pm

I have the same problem. I've even felt much guilt over it, but have come to realize that tears don't always express the degree of grief. Crying, however, is a very wonderful release and I'd give anything to be able to re-possess that gift. Sometimes, I think that's why it's taking me so long to heal, everything is locked up inside. But what can I do? I'm on anti-depressants and recently read that can sometimes inhibit a person's ability to cry. Strangely, the medication (for me) doesn't take away the depth of my sorrow, it only helps me cope. But to not be able to cry is truly difficult, especially when it feels like I'm crying inside all the time.

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Permalink Reply by morgan on July 16, 2016 at 3:53pm

Not sure if being on antidepressants is suppressing your ability to cry but I can tell you how its been for me from the flip side.  I have taken no drugs and three years and six months later I am still crying.  Pretty much every day and sometimes several times in a   day.  

I don't know what, how, why I am still in what probably would be considered such a  fragile state except that I think I am coming more around to the recognition that it sin't me that's the problem.  It's society's notions as to how the loss of love is "supposed" to be impacted.  I'm not the one that is abnormal.

To have to accommodate my emotions to the dictates of what society deems appropriate ain't never going to happen.  The death of my husband and the love we shared has shattered me.  Small tiny fragments of shatter.  No fixing it.  

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 24, 2016 at 5:24pm

Many people here, including me, understand.  My husband and I never had children (another sadness in my life), but he also died very suddenly, and while my family (parents, sister, brother-in-law) are wonderful and love me (and I them) very much, nothing can make up for my soulmate not being here with me.  Like you, my life is devoid of happiness.  Also like you, there will never be anyone else for me, only my husband.

I can't really say anything that will make you feel better; just know that you are not alone.  {{{{hugs}}}}

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Permalink Reply by Cecilia on July 25, 2016 at 5:18pm

Thanks bluebird. I have returned to the numb/shock phase. I do not believe that I am actually confronting my grief as I do not presently live in the home we shared but it would be so difficult to survive there just me and my toddler. I'm so sorry for your loss bluebird x

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 17, 2016 at 8:42pm

Thank you. I am sorry for your loss, too.

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Permalink Reply by Lisa on July 26, 2016 at 11:14pm

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.  I understand somewhat how you feel.  My husband passed away early this year, unexpectedly.  We unfortunately did not get the chance to have any children, but we did everything together also, together all the time.  My husband was my whole world, and he was absolutely it for me as well, there will be no one else.  He is the only one I every wanted to be with or spend time with.  It has been almost 7 months and I still have all his things right where he left them.  I also have no hopes, dreams, goals or expectations for the future.  All I know is every day is lonelier than the one before it, and I don't want to be here without him.  You are not alone with these feelings...

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Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on August 7, 2016 at 12:23pm

 I kind of understand what you are feeling. I have four young Children and I love them very much but honestly I am just here  , not really living . I do what I have to . I take care of them , i am thankful for them. But I miss my husband so badly sometimes I would rather just sleep away the rest of my life then have to go on without him. I really don't have joy anymore and I dont look forward to anything. I am just here.

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