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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on November 1, 2015 at 10:23pm

Hi Mel. You did the best you knew how but it's understandable now that Nancy is gone, you're questioning all your actions.

I wasn't a caregiver to my boyfriend but this post still deeply resonated with me as there are a lot of things I wish could of been different. The concept of regret was something I really struggled with in the beginning, still do to a degree. And as for honest regret, so far there is only one thing I can list. Otherwise I feel it's just a deep sorrow that things couldn't of been different or I wasn't able to do/handle certain things differently.

Around 15 years ago having a conversation with my mom and talking about my anger towards her regarding my childhood, I watched tears roll down her face as she apologized and said she did the best she knew how. That was a life changing moment. The reason I even bring that up is Gary and I both had lots of baggage, lots of limitations, even though we were both trying our damndest to overcome them. Part of me can accept we both did the best we knew how. But I admit, now that he's gone, part of me cannot. Certain actions I took after I lost him, which mainly consisted of cutting off 2 friendships, were done just because I felt I needed to make things right to Gary. A mime I've found said, "Grief forces you to see: who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, who always will." How true for me. Losing the person that meant life to me I saw how much those "friends" were taking my energy and time unnecessarily and negatively and that was time and energy Gary deserved.

Gary and I had a breakthrough 2 1/2 months before he passed and things were on a completely new path. I wanted to make up for how certain things were up to that point and was starting to. So just as things were finally on the way to perfect, I lose him.

My story is quite different from yours but I too criticize myself looking in hindsight at the things, in my eyes, I didn't do, do enough of, etc. And I don't know how to make that truly right to him - the one that matters and always will.

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on November 2, 2015 at 10:59am

Thanks Rachel,

I don't know how common this is...but here's another component of my guilt. On the day before Nancy's death, I was in my studio (I record commercials part time) and for some reason It got into my head to play soem old Joan Baez songs. I haven't played her stuff in years. The song that came up on Youtube was "All My Trials".  You know...."All my Trials Lord, soon be over".The day before her death. I picked a Joan Baez song I hadn't even though of in years. Well, nowI'm carrying the guilt that I was experiencing a full blown premonition of her death or something like that. I didn't get it. And that rips me apart. Of course, had I gotten it, what wouldI have done anyway. I suppose hang over her bed like a mother hen for ever.  Whether it wassome kind of premonition or mere coincidence. I think about that day often and it eats at me.Guilt wears strange disguises and I try to let this aspect of guilt alone. But I still think about it.I Love You, Nancy! 

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on November 3, 2015 at 1:48am

I feel these thoughts can be very common. The what if's, the should of done this, should of seen that. You talking about the Joan Baez song makes me think of something else I can relate to.

Around 3 months before Gary passed he told me one night he had an episode of what felt like an anxiety attack, feeling lightheaded, and almost passing out and falling out of his chair, twice. It freaked him out. The next time he told me of an episode like this happening was the day he died. Have I thought about that day 3 months prior, wanting to beat myself up for not taking it more serious? Damn straight. His older brother died of a massive heart attack years ago pretty much instantly. I knew well of that. His father had a heart attack which I forgot he had told me that. Another brother of his had a heart attack 2 years ago and I think that was mentioned one day in passing and I forgot. After Gary passed I found out his dad had a 5 artery bypass surgery on a checkup after his heart attack. Gary may have mentioned something of that but I can't remember for sure. Gary passed of a blood clot in his heart - what I would call cardiac arrest. But my logic of that day said that him having an anxiety attack seemed pretty normal for him - he was a very nervous person and in a work comp settlement case which was putting him through the wringer. I could of seen him stressing about it and having an anxiety attack. If I would of taken 5 freakin minutes to look up causes of fainting and saw anything mentioning the heart, would that have triggered my rightful concern? I let so many bullshit things take my time, was stressed over stuff in my own life ... that day was my clue. And I totally fucking missed it. And similar to what you said, "Of course, had I gotten it, what would I have done anyway." There is more I could go on with that line of thinking but basically, for various reasons, not sure I could of convinced him to go to the doctor. And I guess even then, would they have found this forming clot? I would like to think so.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 4, 2015 at 3:54pm

My guilt is overwhelming. My sister was laying there, barely talking, just sleeping and I'm looking at her knowing she should be in the hospital, but we just kept waiting and my Ma is calling for someone to come drive us instead of calling an ambulance. And my stupid ass didn't just call 911 on my own. I don't even think she'd be able to walk down the stairs and to a car. What fucking morons we are.

And to think she died because we sat around waiting for a ride when we should have called 911. I can't believe this happened to her and because of us. I can't get past it. It's like a broken record in my head and everyone tells me don't carry that around. But I can't be all 'she's an Angel in heaven' like people like to tell me and all that bullshit because she wouldn't be if we weren't so damn stupid. So it's hard for me to just accept her death as beyond our control, like if she had cancer or something.

I feel like just trying to 'move forward' is shrugging my shoulders at everything. But at the same time I can't bring her back so I'm in this constant state of guilt and grief.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff Carrillo on November 6, 2015 at 7:02pm

Mel, I feel your pain.

My wife of 22 years passed away 7 days ago at the age of 40. She had medical conditions for years that required me to help her shower and change bandages twice a day before and after my 8 hours a day at work.

It was hard, but i did it with love. and her gratitude helped me go on.My love for her grew more every day.

I too feel guilt, Why didn't i call 911 a few seconds before i did? why was i so scared i couldn't yell out I LOVE YOU one last time as as she collapsed and died in my arms?

I play it over and over in my head. Our 10 year old little girl is forcing me to been stong.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff Carrillo on November 6, 2015 at 9:31pm

Another guilt i have is that when we went to the doctor about 5 days before her death for bronchitis.

The doctor said she may be experiencing heart failure,and said he was not sure if he should send her to the ER.

But she said she had the same symptoms before with bronchitis and he hesitated and left the room,and then after awhile came back with a prescription for steroids to heal the bronchitis.

The night she died was about 20 mins after taking a dose of the medicine.

I keep thinking,what if i would have taken her to the ER just to be sure.  I'm sure she would have not let me being she had been in the hospital for a week the month before for a skin problem and would have been afraid they would keep her again.

There are just so many what if moments.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 7, 2015 at 12:50am

Jeff,

Yes, way WAY to many of those moments. I asked my sister if she wanted to call her doctor and she said no, because she knew she would just tell her to go to the hospital. Why didn't I push that? Insist she go? Make a bigger deal about it? Why didn't I look at the obvious sick clues and rush her to the hospital myself? No, I let her lay there 2 days and that fatal night getting worse. I am responsible for all this. I know I could have saved her. I just can't get past it. My soul is gone.

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Permalink Reply by Nadin on November 24, 2015 at 6:21pm

My daughter took her life on Thursday she was 18. Guilt is what eats on me right now. I know how you feel because it's so painful. I wake up at night and whish that everything is just a bad dream but it isn't. My daughter was not able to bare her pain anymore and I was blind. It hurts so much and I died too 4 days ago and nothing will be the Same anymore.

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Permalink Reply by Colleen Benton on November 29, 2015 at 9:19am

I'm am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter on 30 August 2015, from a heroin overdose. There are no words of comfort I can offer, except to say I understand your pain. My daughter left behind two little boys, 4 and almost 3 years old, and everything I do is for them.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on November 24, 2015 at 10:09pm

The what ifs and what should I have done differently will not help.

I did everything to help my mother and her doctor told me that I did everything right but I still felt like a failure and still do some/most days. He said they all watched me care for my mother and did everything right but in the end she still died so that is where the "I failed" comes from I think.

It has been almost three years and I still miss her more everyday. My hope is that she is watching over me and helping me through this life that I have left to do what needs to get done before I go.

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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 25, 2015 at 8:33am

They may not help, but the what ifs and what should I have done differently's have inevitably played out in my thoughts.

I have one helpful friend who lets me what if, and she answers "if that, maybe then this would have happened," or "maybe then that," and she is very, very gentle. She's wise. D passed about 2pm, which is my lunch hour at work. Someone had thoughtlessly, carelessly booked me to be busy during my lunch hour. And so I was busy at 2pm, and so that is why I did not call him, which I would have. I always called him if I had two seconds to just hear his voice ... his voice was so beautiful... but I would have called and called and called and called and called on this particular day because we needed to arrange my ride home. He was supposed to pick me up. He had good days and bad days, and it was a good day, we thought. He had dropped me off at work and then taken the car to the car wash.

If I had called and not reached him, I would have known something was wrong and sent help. Instead, all that happened two hours later, when it was far, far, far too late. My friend lets me what if, what if I had told the staff "Guys, why is this booked on my lunch hour, let me go call D first..." He might still be alive. What if ... I can't help it. It's okay; it's my love and care for him, my feeling of protectiveness, of nurture. I am still trying to be there for my one whom I love. It's okay. I need to love him, still. My trying to be there for him, my trying to nurture and love him, that is not going to end.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 25, 2015 at 12:02am

Many of us feel that guilt.  My husband died of a massive heart attack at age 40.  I had tried to make him go to the doctor to get a physical, just because he should at his age.  We didn't know he had a heart problem, but we should have known, as his father has serious heart problems and has had heart attacks and surgeries.  I should have known, should have made him go to the doctor.

So I do feel guilt, but not as much as I would have expected, given the circumstances.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe there is an afterlife, and my husband is urging me not to feel guilty (if there is an afterlife and he still exists, I know that is what he would do).  Or maybe it's because I blame the evil bitch who gave birth to him for not nurturing him and helping him have good self-esteem so that he would take good care of himself (I'm not going into details, but trust me, she is truly evil).  Or maybe it's because if there is a god, I also blame god for not saving him.  All I know is that I do feel some guilt, but it is not generally overwhelming.  Maybe it's because my sadness and anger are so massive that there is little room for guilt.

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