Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 25, 2014 at 8:13am

Maybe some people do mean it that way, and those I can understand a little bit, but others (at least that I've seen/heard) seem to view it as some kind of metaphysical journey that's meant to strengthen you, or some such bullshit. They say to "journal your feelings", etc. I don't know, as I said I'm probably overreacting a bit, but this fake new-agey "everything is a journey" and "everything happens for a reason" bullshit is seriously pissing me off.

NOT everything is a journey. NOT everything happens for a reason. You can't make something "good" or "positive" out of every horrible thing that happens in life, sometimes life just sucks ass and that's all there is to it -- my husband died, that sucks, life sucks, it always will, PERIOD.  No "journey", no "growth", no goddamned "challenge" -- just fucking misery for me.

I don't mind if other people want to view it as a journey or a "growth opportunity" or whatever for themselves -- I don't really understand that (I guess it's just their way of coping, of trying to make something good from something horrible?), but so what, I don't need to understand it. If it helps them, then good. It's not my place to tell them otherwise, and I don't want to hurt anyone who finds that it does help them. I just don't want anyone telling me that I need to view this hell as a journey, etc.

I know I am beyond devastated, anguished, angry, everything, and clearly it comes out in my posts, but Zell, please know that it's all directed at god or the universe or whatever, not at you.  I'm cursing, but it's not at you, it's at this fucking situation. I really do appreciate you responding to my post/thread.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 25, 2014 at 8:34am

Thanks, Zell. I'm glad you realized that my anger isn't directed towards you.

And thanks for understanding. I swear, I want to hurl the goddamned lemons down god's throat until s/he chokes. And I have never been a violent person, but this, this is too fucking much. And if god exists and is somehow not at fault (though I doubt it), I will apologize to her/him, but right now this is how I feel, and I don't foresee that changing while I'm still forced to live.

If journaling helps you, that's good. Writing used to be one of my refuges, one of my strengths, but now I can't even access it and don't really want to. When my husband first died I wrote down all the sweet things about him in a journal so that I wouldn't forget them, and that helped a bit, but only during the actual act of writing. Ditto for the poems I wrote in the couple of months directly after he died. But since then, nothing.

You are a better person than I am -- I wish others weren't going through this hell as well, but quite honestly I barely care.  I am completely focused on my own loss, my own pain. I never used to be this selfish, but now I am. I used to be a good person, and my husband was a wonderful person, and we were like that because it was inherent to us and because it's the right way to be, but now I just don't give a fuck. I would never purposely hurt anyone, but I've no interest in helping anyone either. I just want to hole up in my apt. and quietly & quickly die.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 25, 2014 at 9:32am

Understood -- we each must blame the one we hold responsible. You know I don't believe there's a "satan", and for the most part I don't believe there's a "god" either, but if there is a god and if s/he is in control of the universe and existence, then as far as I'm concerned s/he is ultimately to blame. If I were god, and if a being such as a devil/satan existed, I would not allow it to run rampant through humanity, but according to Christian theology, the Christian god does. I don't believe I am laying the blame in the wrong place.

As for your son, I just read your blog post and I'm sorry he's having to go through that. I can't say I'm overly surprised; if she was only 13 when they first got together, I'm sure she's changed a lot since then -- she's grown up, become her own person. But of course that doesn't make it any easier on your son, and it doesn't make it hurt any less.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 25, 2014 at 12:16pm

It's good that you have that kind of close relationship with your son, where he's comfortable having that kind of discussion with you, and in which you can help him. As you said, there is a huge difference between age 13 and age 18, and while I hope they end up together if they are meant to be together, I don't imagine many people spend their lives with the person they met at age 13. Regardless -- your advice to your son is very good, all around.  I'm sure he will be able to come through this, with your help.

lol, I'm glad that image amused you. It is a little bit funny....

• ▶ Reply