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Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 21, 2017 at 9:16am

Richard. I didn't know your wife nor do I know you but I'm quite sure she is mortified watching you self destruct. She would not want you to give up and hurt her by hurting yourself. She is still with you and you need to respect the love you share by making her proud of you. I believe our loved ones we have lost are watching over us and would never want us to join them until it is our time. Not give up and cause them guilt. You need to call work and see if you can get an advance from your next check. Most places of employment have a hardship fund too. I'm guessing your brother is tired of helping you when he feels you are not helping yourself. You need to get help for your depression and get that surgery. Of course it helps if you follow the guidelines. That could be your calling: helping others by showing it can be done. I too have turned to food to help my grieving. It has only been 90 days since I lost my husband. And even though every day I am lost I know he would be so disappointed if I didn't do my best to finish my life mission even if I'm not sure what it is. I don't believe at all the reunion with our loved one would be a joyous one if we give up on this earth. Each of us has a mission to make our loved one proud. There are plans for each of us I believe. This is just my opinion and I'm just basing it on everything I've read about life and after death visits by loved ones. I feel certain however your wife is very disappointed right now and you need to respect her memory by respecting yourself and that means taking action one step at a time to dig out of the dark place you're in. I will pray you get going and do what you know in your heart would make her proud.

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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on August 21, 2017 at 3:32pm

Dear Nancy:

I have tried, I have fought, I suffer and continue to suffer from my medical issues ( agony when standing walking and sitting). Annette and I had no children. We both suffered until we met and married. We struggled with being poor, empty refrigerator, eviction and all we had was each other. Try to imagine two lonely, sickly people suffering most of their lives and finding each other. What little strength we had was compensated with love.

The two of us had made up one person. I live in squalor because I can't move well. I have a job which will most likely terminate me. I'm a new employee with no benefits until three months from now.

I scream in the night seeing Annette"s blue lips and lifeless body in my arms. Social can't help as o can't get to them and they've won't get to me ( not their policy). Same goes for food banks.

I am alone. All I had was Annette. Many who suffer the loss have some support (family, friends, church etc). I now live in terror and pain 24/7 and I can feel my body growing weaker. I've exhausted every resource. I'm not bitter but I am tired of suffering in silence. A dark room, alone with no one and missing gearing "I love you."

I know Annette is near. I only pray as I do every night that she comes to me finally and take me away from my grief and loneliness. I could have been a better husband and I pray she'll forgive me for not getting to her sooner.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 23, 2017 at 8:19pm

Richard,

Try calling local churches/temples/mosques.  Very often they will help people in need, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).

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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on August 24, 2017 at 9:50am

I've tried and tried. I've practically begged and I'm tired. I know I've lost everything. And I think when you see the file I have uploaded you'll see how one person can feel alone but humiliated.

I Googled using Google Maps (if you haven't used it, it's that online global Satellite service). It's used to help you find addresses when you're driving. It's a marvel of engineering. You can even have not only  Ariel views of addresses and locations, you can even choose to see those locations at street level! Just type in your address and you'll see your home.

Well, someone typed in my address and it shows my home -- with me passed out on the steps outside my apartment building. The face was blurred thank God. But I couldn't believe the odds statistically of being caught in the image.  

This depressed me to no end. Annette would be sitting beside me, making sure I was okay. To see me myself alone like that in a random image.. is it any wonder why I feel there's nothing left except to exist? That's not living. That's misery incarnate.

My brother called me and we had a great conversation. I hope he'll continue to speak to me as it is the only human interaction that gets me through those terrifying days of solitude.

Attachments:

• ME CAUGHT BY SATTELITE.JPG, 169 KB

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