What I am about to post I wrote in the months since my mom passed earlier this year. Its raw as it was never intended for anyone else to read but I know there is something deeply wrong inside me and I need to work it out. So here it is. This is all 100% true and accurate I just dont know what to do anymore.

On Friday August 26^th 2011 I lost my mom to an aggressive form of cancer it was a matter of only a few weeks from diagnosis to her passing, that night far more than her life was lost. I don’t talk about my problems well. Sometimes I put them into words on paper and then simply hide these papers away because I am too scared to show anyone them. This paper could very well be one of them.  So I am going to just lay it out from my perspective as best I can so I don’t forget.

I noticed strange thoughts from my mom for about a year and a half, things that indicated she was definitely thinking about her own mortality but I associated this to her being depressed about mommom passing away. During Christmas she even mentioned this Christmas would be our families last. I had many things going on in my life and I talked to her very nearly every single night. Every night after work I would call her, no matter what my mood was as I knew I would get sound honest advice and she would let me vent off any frustrations I had. My own life has been in a very hard place since 2006 and the terror of having everything I have ever cared lost or destroyed by a sick corporation or an asshole willing to lie and harm anyone for his own selfish pursuits. I have been depressed very depressed and my mom always had a way of showing how far I had come even if it was only baby steps. I was, indeed still am proud of the fact that I was able to via a lot of hard work and also a lot of luck that I managed to get back into the only industry I really knew.  I now suspect secretly my mom knew she was dying, but the person she was wouldn’t allow her to have others even knowing what was wrong with her. She simply carried on her daily routines and making our lives easier by being herself and helping us in any and all ways possible. She would work constantly and even when she was done with work she would come home and work even more, she did almost all the chores and even washed clothes. We talked nearly every day about a variety of subjects and how I could bring myself back to a state where I was before I had fallen so hard for so many years. I wanted nothing more in the world to simply re-acquire those things and life that I had lost before the incident in 2006. I had learned a lot and was even considering kids and a wife now.  I was very frustrated in my life, every time I felt I had accomplished something then something else would erase it and bring me back down even lower, my house was foreclosed on and once again I was in total despair. My mom came to my rescue she secured a loan that paid off all my debt, it made me feel so terrible knowing she sacrificed a great deal to save me once again and once again I set about just doing anything I could to let her know I was trying. She mentioned she looked forward to a day when she didn’t have to go to work to make ends meet but she knew it was all she could do to keep me above water and her house functioning as well. So here I was again feeling very smashed down and trying hard to get it so she could stop working and just enjoy her life like she wanted. She was now working at lifeline hospital and we started noticing her back was giving her trouble I tried MANY MANY times to get her to go and get  checked out but she wouldn’t, she would simply say she would deal with it and continued working. At this point I knew something was wrong but had no idea just exactly how bad the situation truly was. After weeks and weeks of trying to get her to go she finally went. Wouldn’t you know life’s cruel irony had to strike again.  While at work I stood up to get out of a chair and felt a sudden and damning pain in my back. I didn’t know what it was only that it hurt badly. But I was able to function somewhat and made it to the hospital. I arrived at the hospital in time for my mom to receive the terrible news. They had discovered cancer in her liver and several other parts as well. My mom never looks out for herself she was never like that. The first words out of her mouth were directed at me. She instructed me to pay the cable bill through her account so my dad’s cable wouldn’t be turned off.  This makes me cry every time I think about this. She learns she’s dying and instantly wants to make sure her family has things they are used to having. I did as she asked but then couldn’t return to the hospital anymore. My own condition worsened terribly over the next few days causing me to go to the ER twice and then to a chiropractor who after some tests realized I had 3 crushed and partially ruptured discs in my back. I was now no longer able to walk and I had no help. The only person I felt on this planet who could have helped me was herself dying and to make matters worse I couldn’t go see her because I didn’t want her to get upset thinking about this and also my dad was being extremely irrational with his treatment towards me. Over a couple weeks I was able to walk with the assistance of a walker but it caused me extreme pain and sometimes I would collapse while trying to visit my mom.  The first time could do to help and it was bothering her greatly as well as upsetting and hurting me. I fought hard she realized something was wrong I could see it in her eyes. She knew I was injured and she knew there was nothing she harder than I have ever fought to get back up on my feet and walk on my own. It took months but I finally got back onto my feet and walked with a very disjointed walk. I have been unable to handle basic resources or tasks around my home so it has suffered greatly as part of my inability to do things.  Between this and my mom being in such terrible shape I had to fight very hard to go visit her. On the 26^th I visited until I was nearly in tears from the pain, I knew something was wrong though from how my mom was acting I even mentioned to some people I didn’t believe she would survive this day. My pain was too great though and I had to go home and get some rest and medicine on my back. Finally I got the terrible news she was in the process of dying and to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. I went. I drug myself out to the car and floored it to the hospital. There were a bunch of highway construction barrels on the highway but I didn’t have time to consider them I needed to get to the hospital at ANY and all cost. I slammed through them. Did some damage to my car but I didn’t care in the least, I needed to be with my mom. Unfortunately when I arrived it was too late I cried terribly at my mother’s side for what felt like many hours but probably was not. My mom who had just a few weeks ago talked to me about retiring and living a slower life once I was able to support myself again had just sacrificed the very last of what she had left in her to see her son get just a little more better in my eyes. I feel as if I have stolen critical parts of her life and that more than anything tears me apart. I was hoping very much to get some closure from the passing of my mom however that is not the case. While we were at her funeral someone broke into her house and robbed it. This violation has cancelled out all my grief and replaced it with anger. It gets better. While I was in the hospital myself my so called friend stole my credit card information. I only know it was him because I was able to back track to where he was when he stole it and to test my theory I cancelled the account that made the fraudulent charges and within days heard from him about his account getting cancelled and him not being sure why ( No idea I did it).  And if this 2 events were not sick enough there has been an attempted robbery, my tires have been slashed and now a successful robbery at my home.  I suspect the same person but I have nothing from which to prove it now.  These events have me feeling lost and without hope at all (people who claimed they would be there are not there at all and won’t even bother returning calls I have already since long stopped even bothering to call people) My nights are a macabre twist of sadness, happiness, remorse and even outright rage sometimes showing up just seconds apart. Everything in the world just seems less important to me. I don’t know where I want to be or anything anymore. More and more I find saying just what is the point? I am not suicidal in the least sense. Never once have I considered taking my own life not even now. But what is it I am living now? Is it a life? Can it really be called that? A lot of people’s advice is to turn to god; well I am sorry I have a problem with this. Really what kind of god would snatch away a truly righteous person who simply wanted others to do better when they needed them the most in their lives? I am sorry but that’s more of the lines of a tragically sick joke.  My faith is shaken to the very core and someone trying to defend faith to me will probably only insight some sort of screaming anti-sematic reaction from me. I know I am lost I just have no idea where to go from here. I wish my mom was here, a conversation about this would be really helpful about now