Not looking forward to Christmas
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Dreams
I can't stop dreaming about them...
Whenever he's in my dream he's either alive and happy, or hating me.
Whether the dream is good or bad, it feels like it destroys a part of my soul.
I wake up and for a few blissful moments he's still alive. Then I remember it was a dream, and it's like he dies all over again.
I can hear the police knocking at my door to tell me. I can feel the empty horror, I can see the faces of the people who were around me contorted in sadness and disbelief.
I remember calling my mum, and her confusion as I told her that he was dead.
I remember everyone saying sorry to me, with them trying to hide that they were crying.
I remember the tears falling down my face, burning a trail, and them I remember the pure emptiness that consumed me.
For the next two weeks I couldn't feel anything. I didn't laugh. I didn't cry. I couldn't feel anything.
I remember meeting with his sister and Dad, and the first bits of emotions coming back to me.
Guilt. Pure guilt and fear.
What if they blamed me as well?
I love them both, but what if they hated me now?
Or scarier still, what if they still loved me?
I don't deserve their love.
But when I got there they hugged me, they tried to look after me, and I didn't understand.
Why weren't they angry at me?
I deserved anger and hatred, not caring.
Please hate me. Please love me. Please hate me. Please love me.
I remember looking into their eyes and wishing.
I didn't know what to wish for, I didn't know what to think, or what to do, or what to say.
Why do you still love me?
It felt like their love and caring was burning me, and I didn't know which would have hurt more, their hatred or their love.
Does anyone else dream a lot about their loved ones?
Are they good or bad dreams?
How are they presented in your dreams?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Frances Koonce on
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Hello - you asked for honest feedback about dreams involving our loved ones. First I want to say I’m truly sorry about your loss. I’m assuming it’s your boyfriend or fiancée perhaps. Nobody can out a finger on the pain and guilt you are feeling, for whatever reasons you are feeling them, especially the guilt. Sometimes people make us feel guilty and other times we are the ones putting this heavy burden on our shoulders.
About the dreams, when my dad died, I had a dream that he was alive again and we had gone to the store. It seemed very real until I woke up and realized it was only a dream. You see, I firmly believe that my dad is just resting peacefully in a state of inactivity until his life is restored. This is a hope I’ve held onto ever since he passed away. In my dream it was as if we had already been reunited and he wasn’t sick anymore. Not to be offensive, but I don’t believe that my dad actually visited me in a dream. That was the only thing I thought about after he died, so naturally he would be in a dream. The same as when my mom died. I had dreams that we were doing our same activities again and she was okay. Again, these are the things that were on my mind, just as when I was a kid and all I could think about was having a horse of my very own, I have plenty of dreams about that too.
If you would like to have some reading material that can bring you comfort in dealing with grief, I’d love to send a few links. I don’t mind but I prefer to send to a private email please.
With Sincere Apologies,
Frances
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Pretty much the only dreams I have had about my husband are nightmares, in which I am looking for him but can't find him, or he has left me and doesn't want to be with me anymore, or he has cheated on me, or I have cheated on him. None of that ever happened in real life, and none of that ever would have happened. It is just my subconscious trying to work out where he is, what happened, why he isn't with me as he should be. I have never had what is called a "visitation dream", in which my husband has actually visited me in a dream. I don't know if that is even possible really, as I don't know whether or not there is an afterlife, but if there is and if it is possible, it hasn't happened for me. I wish it would. Whenever I have one of those nightmares I wake up feeling even more shitty than usual, because the feeling from the dream of not being able to find him or of him not wanting to be with me lingers for at least a couple of hours, or sometimes longer. But then it's also worse because at least in the nightmare he was alive, whereas when I wake up he isn't.
I don't know what happened to your loved one or why you blame yourself or feel that his family should blame you, but unless you actually murdered him -- which seems unlikely -- then you probably shouldn't blame yourself, especially if his family doesn't blame you.
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I’m sorry that you have been having nightmares @bluebird.
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I’ve had nightmares before of a different kind. When my daughter was an infant and it seemed all I thought of was protecting her. I had constant nightmares about not keeping her safe.
My heart goes out to you.
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I can understand that; sometimes my dreams of my husband involve trying to keep him (or us) safe, too
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Maybe we will continue to have distressing dreams. My daughter is now a teenager and she has ongoing health issues. My dreams now involve her health or her desire to move away. Ugh - it’s very hard. I wake up in a panic sometimes.
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I'm sorry; I hope your daughter is ok.
As far as waking up in a panic, that happens to me a lot.
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Thank you @bluebird, I appreciate your concern for my daughter.
I’m sorry this happens to you often.
I have been learning so much from reading the posts here. I realize I need to sit down and talk with my family about getting our things in order before an emergency happens. I regret that you have lost your dear husband. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I know it can’t be easy.
I hate to go as it gives me a chance to get to know you and others on the forum, but I have an early morning appt and it’s already 12:27am . I hope to learn more from you about how you feel. Maybe I can catch up in a couple of days.
I hope you have a peaceful nights sleep.
Frances
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