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Permalink Reply by Bob Watanabe on March 28, 2011 at 4:01pm

Hi Trisha. I understand all too well what you are going through. I lost my mom 6 years ago, and my girlfriend, the love of my life, only last May. I fortunately have had friends who will sit and listen, though you're right as time goes on, they do get less responsive or willing.  It is a topic that is difficult to deal with unless you've been through it.  You and I have been through it twice.  I find that it's a frustration that friends have because they care...they don't want to see you sad.  Ironically, the fact that they care causes insensitive behaviour...they don't know that it's insensitive.  With some people, it brings up their own fears of losing someone, or fear of their own mortality.  Or they feel helpless when you talk about it as they want to find a solution...but as you point out, there really isn't one. Though I feel that they can't be blamed for their actions or lack thereof, they are wrong to say things like "you should be over it".  As I'm sure it is the same with you, I find it very cathartic to talk about my grief...to let it out. The difficult part is finding someone to listen.

The only thing I can think of in dealing with your friend is to sit down and let her know that what you're going through is part of grieving, and to support you if and when she can.  You have rights as a griever...here is a good reference, a Griever's Bill of Rights: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bereavement/forum/1603620-grievers-b....

If nothing else, give her space, and though you might have time/distance between you for a while, if she is a true friend she will still be there.  That being said, you do need to be able to find people to talk to.  A place like this is a great, as people here know what it feels like.  I had to do quite a bit of research locally to find free counselling, but it is out there.  I'm still doing one-on-one counselling but I also finished a 6 week group grief counselling.  I've found people through friends and facebook that have gone through similar losses and that helps.  It definitely isn't easy...it takes work to find people to talk to, and of course, it takes work to get through grief.  Try going through a local family services or even crisis lines and they usually have the inforation for available free resources on grief.

The point is, I understand too.  We're here, and though not always easy to find, there are other people and resources out there as well.  There's nothing wrong with us.  We're grieving.  It's natural, and there is no set time frame or limit.  But you do have to deal with it actively, and though it's hard, it's worth it. 

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Permalink Reply by Jane Galbraith on March 29, 2011 at 8:18pm

You have hit this issue right on the bullseye!!! I hear this all the time and you are doing a lot for others who feel the same to know they are not alone. And the time people give you to grieve is SOOO short!!!

This experience can not only be sad but isolating in a way and it feels like you are going crazy - you are not!!!  I hope you can salvage your relationship with your best friend. I know we have more empathy now but I am thinking your generous spirit will forgive her for her ignorance - not intentionally trying to hurt you.

Take care of yourself

I agree with Bob who posted a comment as well!!!

Jane Galbraith

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Permalink Reply by Cristina Garcia on April 6, 2011 at 12:24am

Trisha,

Thanks for posting this. I am also in the same predicament. My best friend and I just had a long talk about this today. I lost my mom 7 months ago and my dad 18 years ago. I see my best friend everyday as we work together. We had a huge falling out on Friday at work. I had to leave work early because it was too much for me to handle. Hurtful things were said not because she wanted to hurt me but because she is frustrated with my grief. I am not the type of person who expects to have their hand held but I would like for her to show the same patience and understanding that I have shown her. She recently went through a divorce and I was there to hold her hand and dry her tears through it all. She is seeing a therapist and insists that I see one too. For the first few months, I was basically in denial, not wanting to face the reality that my mom was gone. Instead of facing my own problems, I turned to help her through hers. Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong and that I will make it through this but no one ever really asks "how are you doing?" or "how can I help?" They don't seem to understand that my parents are gone. I feel so lost. Just because I am an adult, I should be handling it better seems to be the underlying thought. When my dad died, we basically did everything we could to help mom through it and I feel like I never faced losing him. Six months after dad passed away, my maternal grandfather died, sending my mom on another whirlwind of emotion and loss. We didn't get to grieve grandpa either for trying to take care of mom and grandma. Now that my mom is gone, I am feeling all the losses at once. I wish I could make her understand that all the changes in my life are not that easy to deal with. I am hoping that by joining this online group, I can find some comfort and understanding. I have started looking for support groups in my area and will be seeing my doctor soon to ask about counseling. I feel like I am being forced to do this for fear of losing a friendship. Like you, I can't deal with another loss so soon. I am also reaching out to other friends as to give her a much needed break. As Bob said, if she is a true friend, she will still be there after some space/distance if not I have to tell myself, life goes on. I can only control what I say and do. The one prayer that usually keeps me going is the Serenity Prayer:

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

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Permalink Reply by Neera on May 7, 2011 at 11:30pm

Trisha,

I want to thank you for your incredibly honest post. I am so relieved to find that others, even just ONE PERSON, truly understands what the isolation of grief entails. You are a brave woman for sharing your experience with strangers. I admire your courage and I want to say again, I found such comfort in reading your post because it described everything I have been feeling the past few weeks. 

In my very humble opinion, those that do not understand will only ever understand when they face such an incredible loss themselves. It is a sad but true fact of life that grief is an incredibly isolating experience. 

I wish you all the strength and courage you can find in this journey. I am here to listen too.

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