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Permalink Reply by trav on March 21, 2015 at 1:21am

Thank you for the prays, i wish the same for you.

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Permalink Reply by trav on March 21, 2015 at 1:20am

Well im still living.....

I got to the point where i had the means and was faced with only one task left before ctb. To take our cat to a no kill shelter. I couldnt do it, I relised it would be a betrayl of my wife's memory to abandon it and ultimatley its my responsibility to look after her. Also i found watching "The Walking Dead" to be helpful, besides zombies it deals with death and suicide in a confronting way. The show doesnt lecture on either choice, rather it presented both sides evenley. For some all hope is lost and with a bleak future ahead they choose to die, while for others despite the pain they choose to survive in the present.

Some point in the future the cat will most likley die before me. But i get the message that suicide otherwise known as "catch the bus or to check out, is not what my wife would have wanted. So im on the path of letting go. But im not sure what is next, i still see my future is bleak. Having not worked for awhile, my career aspirations are shot. Im looking at getting a low level job and maybe start online dating( im feeling very alone). But im also thinking that once my cat dies i leave my country and take to the world where risks and adventure abound, which maybe result in my "planned death" if what is written on these forums is true.

But everyday i still find myself jealous of other people dieing, looking at the news in a world of billions and wondering if there is any meaning to it what so ever. People die everyday, What lesson is meant to be learnt by being murdered by idiots or people who snap? What lesson is meant to be learnt by a soul when it takes the role of child who is mentaly disabled or brainwashed and used to kill many people by suicide bombings? It just seems so meaningless.

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Permalink Reply by James Quinn on March 21, 2015 at 2:13am

Hi Trav  I understand where you are coming from i ruled out suicide because i do not want to put my family through what i am going through ,I lost my soulmate six months ago to cancer and i can say she was my true soulmate to the point we would say the same thing at the same time , Half of me has died am i feel that everyday i was having sleeping pills to help me get some sleep , but know i am on antidepressants ,In my wildest dreams i never thought i would be taking ether of these  drugs. I to have thought of tempting fate buy taking up a dangerous sport and ask every night to die in my sleep .I have no real answers But i do know we are not alone in the  path we walk, i tell my sisters exactly  how i feel they understand and how i feel they are my sounding board .As for the mess there is in the world  i have no room in my mind for that at this time .I have been told to try and be still..............You can feel your  soulmate that will be with you till you unite I totally think this is true as times this feeling has washed over me and calmed me a little even if for just a moments peace I wish for you to have moments of calm Trav

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Permalink Reply by SKW on July 12, 2017 at 3:13am

I read this a couple years ago... when mine died. He died July 24 2015 after falling ill on my birthday July 18. I went to bed every night crying and woke up the same way for months. I was so sick of crying, my face and gut hurt from it. I'm not someone who cries a lot and especially not in public... in fact, never in public. Yet, a few weeks went by and I ended up going to the market I always went to and I walked in unable to stop crying. Other than the ceaseless tears falling down my cheeks underneath my sunglasses, no one would've known anything was wrong. I asked all the normal questions.... sounding normal... 'where are the raspberries?' 'how much do I owe you?' 'Can I get a bag please?'. I was a familiar stranger in that market, and I could tell by the looks I was getting that people were taken aback. No one asked me how I was doing that day. I was raw and in pain and quietly crying and didn't care at all. When I read your post here, it was in the middle of watching a 'Walking Dead' marathon and I found it strangely comforting as well. It's almost 2 years, and for the last 2 years I've been envious of death. I don't know why I'd feel like it was wrong to take my own life, but I do... but let's just say if I saw something heavy flying down from the sky that was going to land on top of me, I don't know if I'd necessarily get out of the way. Those thoughts while having.... become less intense, or maybe I've just developed a certain level of apathy... they still plague my brain, but my fight to regain my will or desire to live still continues. My desires and ambitions for... everything- is just gone... except to see him again and be with him again. Like you, I feel half dead. I don't have anyone that understands... people/friends want to help but don't know how and at this point, I get the distinct impression they think 'why isn't she over it yet... seriously, it's been 2 years!' or they just treat me like this fragile thing that's going to break. So, I've just stopped talking about it... not that I was ever able to really talk about it much, but now... if I even mention his name, I get the same- although somewhat watered down- looks from them that the people in the market gave me. I make them feel uncomfortable. I'm a strange pariah. Even more so than I already was. But, I still think about him every day, every night. Sometimes it's good and comforting and sometimes its painful and lonely. I feel him with me sometimes and can hear his voice or share a dream, and it effects me the same way, sometimes great and sometimes sad. Something in me changed forever and family and friends can sense it but not see it and whatever it is puts this kind of distance between us. It's isolating. I still have no interest in dating or being with anyone else and don't know if I ever will. It's even worse maybe because I'm fairly young to be a widow. He and I grew up together. I could never imagine a life without him, so I've been kinda lost since. While I have no plans on checking out, at the same time, death is something I look forward to now, because I'll get to be with him again. Anyway... your post stuck with me because it was one of the only things I read after his death that made sense to me, that I could relate to and made me feel not totally alone... and here it is almost 2 years later and it stuck with me. I mean, I'm still struggling and peruse for help every now and again, trying to wish away what I feel and think I guess... it's not that it's any easier per se... it's more that it's a state I've just become used to. It's amazing how humans can adapt to things. But, I digress... I just felt like letting you know and hope you are doing better. 

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Permalink Reply by Jon-Paul Ackerman on July 20, 2017 at 9:37pm

Haha Trav, She won't let you lol. I've tried. They want Us to fulfill this life before chasing them to the next. I suggest cactus treatment. Maybe even microdosing psilocybin for the reoccurring pain that will never go away. You'll realize this love story never ends. You've been chasing Her from life to life and will continue to. Never let the love for Her subside.

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