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Permalink Reply by Linda Wood on June 19, 2013 at 9:32pm

My husband died last September.  We were married 36 years.  We had our struggles.  He was mentally ill (schizophrenia) and it was not the marriage I once imagined, but I loved him.  And he loved me.  I too, am having some difficulties moving on.  I keep doubting my capability to live without someone.  Who will rescue me when I'm in trouble?  My main support person is gone and sometimes I feel very lonely.  I have two adult children.  One lives in another state with her fiancée and the other lives with me, but is away most of the day, working.

I can remember one of the first experiences of loneliness I felt, was when I was just waking up from sleep.  I thought I heard someone sleeping next to me and assumed it was my husband.  Then I woke up and realized that it wasn't possible, because I was alone, and it was my own breathing I had heard.

I had difficulty deciding what to do with my wedding ring.  When should I quit wearing it?  I felt naked and lonely without it.  I sometimes wear his ring.  It makes me feel more like he is with me, at least in spirit.  I eventually decided on having a new ring made from mine that includes the original diamond and six smaller diamonds representing our 36 years together.  I call it my widow's anniversary ring.  Makes me feel less naked.

There have been times when I've felt angry at my husband for not taking better care of his health, and angry for leaving me.  There are times when I'm actually relieved that he's gone and not irritating me like he used to at times.  I've even thought about dating someone new.  And sometimes I feel guilty for these thoughts.  But I think that these are all normal thoughts.

I've seen a psychiatrist, because I thought that maybe I was more depressed than I should be, but he assured me that everything I'd said sounded like normal grieving.  People grieve at their own rate, and over time it's supposed to get easier.  I don't cry as much as I used to, but I still cry at least a little every day.  Some days are better than others, and over time the better days are increasing, ever so slowly.

I saw a movie last night.  "Dream House".  I thought it would be like a horror movie about a haunted house, but it was more of a psychological thriller, where the man was unknowingly having some mental issues and was seeing and talking with his dead wife and kids.  You couldn't really tell if it was all in his imagination or if his wife's ghost was actually there with him.  The ending made me cry.  The house had caught on fire and he ran back into the house for his long dead wife, risking his own life.  He met her at the top of the stairs and she asked him why he was still here and telling him that he needed to go.  They exchanged I-love-you's, then he said, "I don't want to let you go."  She said, "I know.  I will always be with you.  But you know that."

So now I'm wondering if my husband really was beside me that one morning.   I do believe that love lasts forever.  I'd like to have some tangible evidence that he is always with me, looking over me, to help me feel less alone.  But I may have to depend on blind faith.

 

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Permalink Reply by Sarah Davis on July 12, 2013 at 3:05pm

My boyfriend of 9 months passed away at the end of June after a short but awful struggle with cancer (we found out he had it about 2-3 months into dating).  Before him I lost my boyfriend of 9 years last summer and 10 years ago I lost my husband in a car accident.  I feel like I'm stuck in this never ending grief cycle.  I've always tried to move on fairly quickly (5 months after my husband and a month and a half after the boyfriend of 9 years).  You can't let yourself feel guilty about it.  You are still alive and you owe it to yourself to live a full life.  You will never have the same relationship you had with your husband but different is not the same thing as bad and you have to remind yourself of that as well.  Dating doesn't mean forgetting them but I think you should find a counselor or a group to talk to so you can sort through these feelings more in depth so that you can fully invest yourself in a new relationship someday.  Good luck and know I'll be thinking about you (and you're not alone).

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Stevens on July 28, 2013 at 4:11pm

Hello John, well thank you for replying to my posting. I did have very bad days directly after the funeral after everyone had gone back to do their living. I was told 'to get on with it' and that's what I tried to do, but without much success at first. I considered ending it all and it was a close call, but a phone call by my daughter stopped me from doing just that and made me realise how selfish it would have been and pointless as well. I joined a dating site, and with my friend we had some good laughs, but no dates. I have how ever, been emailing a man who works abroad for some four months, and he will be returning to the UK soon. We get on fine but we have yet to see if this is a good thing. Life does go on, but you have to encourage it. you have to nurture yourself to make an effort and explore all the new things on offer. It does get better - I feel better knowing now I've turned the corner begun to see new faces and hear different things. Its reaching out from the dark place into the light, believe me its not easy but the effort will bring its own rewards. So you see, you can move on with encouragement and at your own pace, and that's the secret doing it to suit you no one else. Listen to your own senses not what people tell you. I wish you well, and hope you find peace and more friends to enjoy your life with once more. Good luck.

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