I am trying to be strong for our daughter but I just can't handle this pain I have any more. Every time I want to cry, our daughter asks me "Mom, why are you crying?" so I make myself stop so she won't see me down. I just don't know how I feel right now, I just feel so lost, and alone. I have this gut feeling that won't go away and it is driving me crazy. I can't stand it. 

I have tried to make myself believe that I have accepted the fact that he is gone and will never come back again, but I just can't take it any more. We used to talk about what it would be like if either one of us passed away and he always told me that he didn't want me crying so that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to be strong because I know that's what he wanted, because I know that's what he'd do if it were me. 

I wish it were me. 

Then, I think about it and I wouldn't want him to go through the pain that I am going through right now. I don't wish this pain upon my worse enemy. I want to go back to the day when he was murdered and change it. I want to be able to stop him from going to work. I want to tell him to stay home and call in, screw a write up or even a discharge. I want to be able to call him and make up a lie or something to make him come home. I just want him here with me so, so bad! I can't stand the thought of not having him here. I thought I was strong enough last night, so I went through his FB. I wasn't strong enough at all. Gosh, he was so funny and so outgoing ever status he'd write would make me smile. Then I saw this one status where he wrote, "2nd best thing my wife has said these 4 years is after this episode play Fifa." I asked him, what the first best thing I had said was and he wrote, "I Do".  I saw the status where he wrote, "taking my baby to dinner" on the day that he proposed to me. 

I see our pictures, recent picture. A few days before he passed away and God how I wish I could go back to the day. 

The last vivid memory I have of him is the day we went to the fair, in our anniversary a week and a few days before he passed away. We paid 20 dollars to get 50 little balls to throw onto fishbowls. The prize would be a fish. I thought what the heck, it's not like we're going to win a fish anyways. I was wrong!! Next thing you know, I saw him throw his hands in the air and scream "I won a fish" he stopped for a second and then said, "What are we going to do with a fish?" On the way home we stopped by the store and bought a fish a small tank, food, those little colorful rocks and trees for the fish to swim in. We brought him home, went on a movie/dinner date, came home and the fish was dead. I think the fish is still sitting in the back yard because we were going to "bury" him and that never happened. 

I keep hoping he'll come home, but I know he is not. 

Our daughter's birthday was a few days ago and instead of doing everything we had planned for her, I had to take her to the cemetery to see her dad's grave. I couldn't even take her out afterwards. So, she stayed home and did nothing .. on her birthday! I feel like such a fail of a mother. It isn't her fault that her father passed away and she deserved to have fun on her birthday she just turned four. 

I've been trying to take my mind off of the pain by going out with friends, to eat. I even slept over at a friend's house. We spent all night talking about how we met our significant others, about giving birth to our daughters, life, and nothing worked. Then I felt like complete s..t when I woke up in another home. I just don't feel comfortable on my own. I don't even have a home. It's more like a house now because it feels so empty and different without him in it. I painted my nails blue, his favorite color. I don't know why, it's not like I could call him and tell him I had done so because I was thinking of him. 

I finally got the courage to fill out the papers I needed to fill out for the attorney regarding his case. I hate the fact that the papers state that I'm filling them in regards to my husband's name whom was fatally injured. I hate having to fill out the dates when he was born and when he passed away. I feel selfish because I know I have my daughter left, and I have to be strong for her but I feel dead. I want to be dead, I want to be with him. I keep hoping I'll dream of him. Hoping he'll tell me something in my dreams but it never happens. I have dreams about him but they are more like nightmares because I don't like them, and they just confuse me more. I wonder what they are trying to tell me, if anything at all. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll get easier in time, but time is just making everything harder. I couldn't believe it at first and as time passes, I'm starting to realize that it did happen and he's never coming home. I'm never seeing his face or his smile. I'm never feeling his touch, or kissing his lips again. Every day that I wake up, I wake up to the cruel reality that he truly is dead. How is that any easier? I'm being forced to accept the fact that I have to live without him. Everyone tells me that I'm young, that'll I'll learn to move on and eventually will. How can I when he was the perfect guy for me? I don't want anyone else, I just want him. Since day one I felt so comfortable with him. He was my true love, my first anything, my high school sweetheart. I'm never getting that again. 

Why? I don't understand. 

Why did God take him? Why did those guys do that to him? Why couldn't they just injure him? Why couldn't they have pity on him? Why? Why? Why?