... I've been out of sorts the last few days, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why... until I finally looked at the calendar. Monday would have been my dad's 53rd birthday. I can't help but imagine the ice cream cake that we used to get him every year because it was the one with the most chocolate crunchies on top that he loved so much. It seems so small of a thing to remember... but we never made a big deal out of birthdays, we just had our own few family traditions, and that's all that we needed. I keep feeling like I can just pick up the phone and call and talk to him, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks every time I remember that he's not going to be there. It's almost like the more time that passes since he died, the harder it gets. At first I thought I could handle it, but now that I'm facing college graduation in June and the holidays and birthdays and important moments that he'll miss are adding up... I can't take it. It's like every little thing makes me cry at the drop of a hat. I'll see a funny billboard that I knew he'd laugh at, and I'll breakdown in tears. I get in my car and I remember the last time he was sitting next me. I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I see is an image of the last day he was alive. There are times I want to forget... I want to forget all the pain and suffering he went through in the end... I want to forget that feeling the moment he took his last breath... I want to not feel like I'm a complete mess for just an hour in any given day... I feel like only then, I could get some clarity, and maybe a little more strength to keep going. Truth is, I'm exhausted. I miss him more each day, each hour... My only wish is that I could have had a little more time with him... he was so much more than just a dad or a husband or an uncle. He was the person I could call on the worst days, and he always knew exactly what to say. He always helped me find the good in everything, and to see the bigger picture when life got overwhelming. I could always tell he was proud of me, and I can't help but wonder what he'd say of my life now. He was my rock, my best friend, my biggest supporter in life, my motivation to keep pushing myself to new limits... I just feel lost without him... Every year I want to do something special for his birthday. I want to honor his memory, and make him proud... but I feel like I put so much pressure on finding the perfect thing, and then I end up doing nothing at all... what do you do to honor the one's you love?

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