... I've been out of sorts the last few days, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why... until I finally looked at the calendar. Monday would have been my dad's 53rd birthday. I can't help but imagine the ice cream cake that we used to get him every year because it was the one with the most chocolate crunchies on top that he loved so much. It seems so small of a thing to remember... but we never made a big deal out of birthdays, we just had our own few family traditions, and that's all that we needed. I keep feeling like I can just pick up the phone and call and talk to him, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks every time I remember that he's not going to be there. It's almost like the more time that passes since he died, the harder it gets. At first I thought I could handle it, but now that I'm facing college graduation in June and the holidays and birthdays and important moments that he'll miss are adding up... I can't take it. It's like every little thing makes me cry at the drop of a hat. I'll see a funny billboard that I knew he'd laugh at, and I'll breakdown in tears. I get in my car and I remember the last time he was sitting next me. I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I see is an image of the last day he was alive. There are times I want to forget... I want to forget all the pain and suffering he went through in the end... I want to forget that feeling the moment he took his last breath... I want to not feel like I'm a complete mess for just an hour in any given day... I feel like only then, I could get some clarity, and maybe a little more strength to keep going. Truth is, I'm exhausted. I miss him more each day, each hour... My only wish is that I could have had a little more time with him... he was so much more than just a dad or a husband or an uncle. He was the person I could call on the worst days, and he always knew exactly what to say. He always helped me find the good in everything, and to see the bigger picture when life got overwhelming. I could always tell he was proud of me, and I can't help but wonder what he'd say of my life now. He was my rock, my best friend, my biggest supporter in life, my motivation to keep pushing myself to new limits... I just feel lost without him... Every year I want to do something special for his birthday. I want to honor his memory, and make him proud... but I feel like I put so much pressure on finding the perfect thing, and then I end up doing nothing at all... what do you do to honor the one's you love?

Views: 76

Reply to This

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
Oct 21
Natasha commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"is griefshare a website like this?"
Oct 21
dream moon JO B updated their profile
Oct 16
Morgan Sangrouber is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 10
Addie replied to Kali's discussion It was not supposed to be like this in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Kali I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal. Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
Sep 26
Kali added a discussion to the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
Thumbnail

It was not supposed to be like this

In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
Sep 26
Kali joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
Sep 25
Profile IconKali and Bridget Baker joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sep 25

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service