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Permalink Reply by jude colangelo on February 23, 2011 at 7:22am

Oh Judi.  I am SO sorry.  I can't even pretend to know what you're going through.

I know it sounds impossible, but, for your sake and for the sake of Carmen's daughter, try and forgive her family.  That doesn't mean to accept their behavior.  It means to forgive and acknowledge that they have problems that you aren't responsible for.  Give it back to them.

I am struggling with the sudden, unexpected loss of my boyfriend.  The only way I can see getting through this is to have him to depend on, to talk to, to help me ... but he's gone.

I don't know what, if anything, you believe in beyond this life.  I believe God loves us both.  He didn't "do" this to us.  It happened.  And He grieves with us.

Hang in  there. I'm here whenever you need to get it out.

♥jude

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Permalink Reply by Judi Cozzi on February 24, 2011 at 2:12am

Hello jude,

 Thank you so much for your kind words...they really meant a lot to me. I have learned to move passed the anger towards the family and actually now "pray" for them. Believe me, this is a milestone for me. They have caused so many problems for Carmen and myself in the past that I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you. All I know is that I am left with a broken heart and a daughter whom I will never see again.  It's not fair. Believe me, I'm not one of those people that go around blaming God for bad things happening on this Earth plane, because I know it is not him that is causing it. It is all a process.

I'm so sorry to hear about your unexpected loss of your boyfriend. You will be on my prayer list for sure. I lost my brother suddenly and unexpectedly in '02 and am still not anywhere near over it. Be kind to yourself jude, and know that this is all a process. A very long and painful process. We are all here for each other. I'm very new to this site and don't want to list my email address, but you can certainly email me if you'd like if you can get it from this site. If there is another way, let me know. In the meantime, please try and stay strong. God, and your boyfriend are both watching over you now. They want you to be happy. It's harder than anything at the time, I know this for sure, but we have to try, at least for our loved ones. We have to do the living for them now also because they no longer can.  Peace & Love,  Judi

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Permalink Reply by jude colangelo on February 24, 2011 at 3:36pm

Thank you, Judi.  It's so nice to talk to people that understand ~ as much as anyone can understand!  We share this "grief" thing, but bring to it our own individual experiences.  We all share a huge hole where our loved ones used to be ~ as well as an altered reality and identity. Hearing from others who are moving through the process really helps me to keep going.

I do have to say that I get SO frustrated with so called "religious" people who cast stones.  They seem to ignore the huge, essential, central part which is compassion and mercy.  Carmen's family is doing her daughter, you, and mostly themselves a tragic disservice.  Kudos to you for rising above.  you have amazing strength.

I just started here, too, so don't know any of the ropes!  but I hope to continue to talk to you.  Being on here has already helped me see little rays of hope.  Yes, it's a long process.  But we can keep going if we have hope.

♥jude

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Permalink Reply by Judi Cozzi on February 25, 2011 at 12:55am

Hi jude,

I sent you a "friend request". I don't know how you retrieve it though. I also do not know the ropes here. I ask Carmen for help with things all the times. We made all our choices together. Now that she's gone, I am lost. We were always there for each other in times of need. From when she first passed 5 months ago, every time I would sit on my bed and look at her pictures and cry, I would picture her sitting behind me with her arms around me. It always brought me great comfort. Now, I can actually "feel" her in the room with me when I'm upset. It took a while, but it works. You may want to give it a try. It can't hurt. Carmen loved to dance. I picture her in heaven dancing with the Lord now. I know she would want me to be strong... but she also knew how much we counted on each other. 9 months before she died, the doctors told her she could die "any day now" or could possibly live "up to one month". Well, she lasted almost 9 months after the doctors told her that. She used to cry to me every day and say "Judi, I'm dying!" Talk about being at a loss for words. All I could do was hold her and cry with her... I didn't know what else to do. We both knew it was only a matter of time. And at that time, she "looked" like she was dying. She was withering away as the days went by. She had dark circles under her eyes. It was hard to deal with. I had nowhere to turn for comfort. She was in terrible pain from all the treatments and the Cancer eating away at her. Jude, I tell you, it brings me to my knees just thinking about it. She suffered for so long. I'm thankful that she is no longer in any pain... but I wish she was still here and healthy. I spend most days crying, morning, noon and night. The nights are the worst. I am grateful for this site because at least here people can relate to what you are going through. I try and remember the happy times, but they too bring a tear to my eye. You are not alone, my friend. There but for the Grace of God... Hang in there jude, better days are sure to come along.         Peace & Love,  Judi

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Permalink Reply by jude colangelo on February 25, 2011 at 6:21am

 

 

My sister died of pancreatic cancer way back when I was 24.  It was a rotten way to die.  I can relate to what you saw with Carmen ~ so hard to process. I remember the relief when she died ~ she was in so much pain and was a shadow of herself ~ and then came the endless "but why can't she just be alive and healthy?"  Seeing someone you love go through that and supporting them through it is a tremendous task.  I think you're doing a wonderful job moving through this.

Mack was my cheerleader.  When I met him, I was just three years divorced from an abusive ex husband of 17 years.  Couple that with coming from the mother of all dysfunctional families and, well, I had all I could do to keep my head above water.  But Mack understood me, he knew me.  he reminded me of who I really was.  He kept me from being wrapped up in the nonsense and drama of my world.  Now he's gone. But I'm trying to remember the Jude he saw ...

I had several "experiences" after he died that I hold on to.  Right after he passed, when I was totally in shock, I kept saying "but now he wont text me!"  because he started every day texting me.  Well, that night, as friends heard and started texting, every text I opened was an old text from him.  An old status picture of Mack and I showed up out of no where on my facebook page. His sobriety song "Here Comes the Sun" started playing right after I said I couldn't bear to hear it.

At the wake~ I I had a ring that was inscribed with the Song of Solomon in Hebrew. The morning of the wake I asked Mack's son if I could put something small in the casket to be buried with him, meaning the ring.  I posted the verses on Mack's facebook page.

Mack's brother Matthew, a minister, was praying with me at the casket ~ we are both pretty goofy, so it was more a conversational prayer, telling mack how we felt.  When Matthew was finished, I showed him the ring I had put in with mack.  I started to tell him what it meant, but he stopped me.  he turned his hand over, and showed me ~ he wore the same ring.

Those are the things that help me to believe ...

♥jude

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Permalink Reply by Judi Cozzi on February 25, 2011 at 11:28pm

Jude,

Sounds like you're on the right track. Try to remember that we got to share something so special with our partners that a lot of people never get to experience in this lifetime. Some people go through life without ever knowing the joys of true love. They say it is better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all. I guess that's true. I have to remind myself that when my heart is breaking. I wish the pain would let up a bit... I need to come up for air. I am all consumed with sorrow. I know I have to be kind to myself because 5 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. I've gone through so much loss that I feel as though this is the last straw. I can't handle anymore. Carmen was my soul mate, and now she is gone. I know she watches over me as I write this. She is now my guardian angel. God, how I miss her. She is probably with my brother in heaven right now watching over me with my parents. I miss them all. It's hard to carry on when you're all alone. My heart bleeds for everyone on this site. At least, in this sense, I am not alone. Someone in Carmen's family deleted her facebook page the day that she died. I think it was her cousin. I recorded her outgoing message on her home phone on my iPod touch the next morning. I listen to it from time to time just to hear her voice.

"Sleep with the angels my love." "I will be along before you know it."

Hey Jude, did you get my friend request? Hope to hear back from you. Take Care.  -Judi

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Permalink Reply by jude colangelo on February 26, 2011 at 6:26am

Hi ~ yes I got your friend request and accepted ~ sent you one on facebook, too.

It's so funny the stages ~ isn't it?  I'm pretty well functioning now, but it's always there.  I wake up ~ it's there.  I go to bed ~ it's there.  When ever I have too much time, there I am right back at square one.  last night I had a panic attack because it hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never see him again, physically, that all I had was a few pictures. Ugh.  Rode it out, got through it, survived.  I really, really want to do better than "survive".  But you're right.  Time.  For me it's "only" two weeks tomorrow.  two of the longest weks in history.

♥ jude

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Permalink Reply by Judi Cozzi on February 26, 2011 at 1:10pm

OMG Jude, I didn't realize it's only been 2 weeks. You must be so "raw." I remember my first couple of weeks. To be honest, it hasn't gotten much better. I cling to her memory. You are now on my permanent prayer list. I know the feeling of it being so fresh you could taste it. It's horrible. I'm so sorry, hun. I remember being at Carmen's wake. I just had to see it for myself to make it seem real somehow. I got nothing but threatening looks and stares. I didn't stay very long as I feared for my life. Carmen's brother beat the shit out of her when she mentioned she was seeing a woman... and this was right after she came out of surgery!!! I only stayed for a few minutes. I remember what a terrible job they did on her. Her eldest adopted daughter didn't even supply the funeral home with a picture of her, so they didn't even fix her hair right. She didn't look like herself. I thought to myself: "How selfish." "Carmen wouldn't be caught dead looking like that."... and that's exactly how she was caught. She always has her hair fixed. She wore bangs, always. I remember Carmen telling me a story about her former best friend who also passed from Cancer. When she was layed out, her hair was a mess. Carmen made them close off the room and fixed her hair and then had them reopen the room. I thought to myself, "why didn't anyone do that for Carmen?" I knew if I tried to do that, I would have been thrown out... it wasn't my place (in her family's eyes). I could just scream when I think of what her daughter did to her. I'm sure that image of her in my mind will fade in time, but for right now, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I have her pictures all around me to remember what she looked like in life. She was a stunning woman. She was PR. I know some of them are very strict religious people, as her family has turned out to be. Me, I am Italian, and my family is not so strict religious and accept me for who I am. My father was another story. He would not have understood, so I kept it from him for fear of getting my ass kicked. As usual, she's been on my mind all morning. Even more than usual though. Maybe she's trying to tell me something. Do you ever feel Mack around you? I'm sure he's there. You can not create or destroy energy. So, I believe their energy is around us always. Love goes beyond the grave. Love lives on forever. I believe we will be with our loved ones again in another place where time has no boundaries. Until that time comes, we will all just have to comfort one another. Pain brings us closer to God. And God is love, and love has no boundaries... so you see, it all ties in together. Give yourself time to grieve and let the tears flow. Now that you have my email, you can reach out to me anytime you'd like. I feel for you, Jude. You are not alone. We can do this, one day at a time, through the Grace of God.   Peace & Love,  Judi

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Permalink Reply by jude colangelo on February 26, 2011 at 2:28pm

Sent you a message on facebook♥