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After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate
I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by renee krutsinger on
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i'm soo very sorry for all of us. will this ever get better? people say it will take time. i wish i new how much time!!! i went to church this morning for the 1st time since dennis died. another first and i sat there and cried my eyes out, i just couldn't stop. i felt like such a fool! it will take time, i guess we all have to just deal with the fact that we are going to be sad for a long time. thanks for listening. hope u all have a good week and the crying subsides a little for u all!!!
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Cindy, Renee, I am truly sorry for your loss. It's been It's been 15 months for me and I still cry like crazy. I have met two truly wonderful friends. But I have to say the day Rob died I sort of died too. I am not really happy anymore. I may have nice times while out with friends, but I miss Rob terribly and cry like crazy whenever i get home or they're here at my house and leave. Half of me is just gone. My heart is broken and I'll don't know if that will ever change. I think about Rob day and night and still cry myself to sleep. You have to take each day at a time. You have to let yourself cry and feel whatever you feel. Don't let anyone tell you different. There is no time limit on grief. It's still too hard for me to remember the good times because thinking of those just make me more upset and just remind me of how much I've lost. I pray someday I can look at his pictures and think of all our wonderful times together and only smile. I pray the same for the both of you.
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on
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I pray the possibility of hope for all of us. I cry less than I did at first, but still cannot make it through more than a few hours. I have to work, Les and I were not married, only engaged, and we never got around to getting married. He was only 54, and not ill. He'd had a blood clot in his lung in January and I got him to the hospital in time that time. I play the "what if's" still because I so wish this wasn't true. I am trying not to blame myself, but some days are harder than others. I feel like part of me was ripped away, and I kinda walk around in a fog...not shock anymore, but a fog nonetheless.
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Cindy, I've done the same thing. I've replayed what happened over and over and over. But when it comes down to it, there was nothing I could have done to change things. It's hard when your loved ones been sick for any length of time, but they die suddenly it is truly such a shock and very hard to accept. I also feel like a huge part of me is gone and feel very empty inside. Eventually i hope we will only remember the good times, the way they smiled, the way the laughed, the way they loved us and how much they loved us. In time, I guess we will appreciate all that and to think about it won't tear us apart.
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Thank you Carol, I try now to be thankful for those good moments we had just the day before he died, but then something happens to make me cry all over again. This forum helps, to have others who understand what we are going through.
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dennis had musclar dystrophy. but could walk and drive and get around. in october last year he went to the hospital and they told me he was dying. i brought him home and the good lord gave me 8 more months with him. but i really thought he was getting better. what was i thinking? why did i think that, i will never know!! it does help to talk with u ladies. i don't feel so alone. your losses are just as fresh as my loss. thank you all for letting me join your group.
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You know Renee, Rob had diabetes (under control), he had kidney disease (under control with dialysis) and was doing quite well. I was very much in denial. I just had it in my head he would be fine and we would grow old together. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would just wake up one night and not be able to breathe and go into cardiact arrest. It took the paramedics forever to get him back to breathing, but since it took so long he was brain dead. His death was the same way my dad died, I had to pull the plug on each of them, so it was like a double whammy blow. But I guess we have to focus on the happy times we had together and not on all the happy times ahead we would have had. I know it's hard, I keep thinking about the perfect night we had together and then poof he was gone. It's very hard to comprehend that. But we do we can.
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yes we do what we can. i believe we are strong women and we will get through this. i to was in denial. my family and his family said he was sick and would stay, but i argued and said he's doing much better. i believe everything happens for a reason, i just haven't figured it out, carol. i guess don't understand why i (we) have to be alone at such a you age.
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Renee, do you have lots of family and friends? You need that. I had no one. I have two nephews here that I raised but when I wouldn't lend them any money they just didn't speak to me again. I had no friends either because Rob always just wanted it to be us. We did everything together and went everywhere together. That was the main reason I joined a support group to meet some friends which I did. I finally stopped going to group two months ago. Plus I have this new next door neighbor who lost her husband in March and we are very close friends now. If you ever want to talk, send me a message through this site and I'll send you my phone number and email address. I hope you can try and have a good day and try and think of only good thoughts today. Be well.
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Carol, I understand about the nephews. My finaces sons have been fabulous to me, but some of his other family, not so much. They are not bad to my face, but I have heard they are talking about me behind my back. As if this were not hard enough! I gave him as much as I could, and their meddeling and gossip only makes me feel worse, and more like I should have been able to rescue him.
I am a poet and I wrote this a while ago.
I beg By Cindy
I'm sitting here all alone, with tears running down my face
A million people go by, but I'm alone in this space.
I fumble in the dark, looking for my heart
But you took it when you left, you took the best part.
No matter what I do, I look for you to be there
I wander through the pictures, I find yours and just stare.
I beg God to turn back time, and let me rescue you
I beg God to turn back time, and let you rescue me.
I'm sitting here all alone, with tears running down my face
I expect to hear your voice, I long to see your face.
I miss your loving touch, I miss your warm embrace
I double check to see, if you are sleeping in your place.
I think I feel you near, the dark clouds to replace
I walk, I breath, I cry, I grieve at my own pace.
I beg God to turn back time, and let me rescue you
I beg God to turn back time, and let you rescue me.
I'm sitting here alone, with tears running down my face
You are my greatest love, and that will always be the case.
My hearts a leaded ball, that doesn't keep it's beat
I'm a shadow on the wall, a raw nerve with feet.
You send me little signs, to let me know your near
I do not doubt your love, it's all that I can hear.
I beg God to turn back time, and let me rescue you
I beg God to turn back time, and let you rescue me.
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oh, cindy, your poem is beautiful. as far as your fiance's family, if u can try to ignore them. they don't seem very nice. they didn't live with you and don't know the who story. i haven't heard from den's family much. if i want to see them or talk to them, i have to do the calling. i don't think that is fair either. maybe we are not important to them, like we were when our spouse or fiance was with us i'm thinking about u. and i love to talk to u all.
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Cindy, you're poem is so wonderful. It expresses everything I feel and think. You know sometimes I think our spouses take people away from us (meaning people who are not talking to us because of whatever reason) because they are negatives in our lives and they don't want us to be with them. We should be surroung ourselves with positive people in our lives, people who will make us feel better and enrich our lives not tear us down and make us feel bad. Even though it hurts when people who should be in our lives aren't, sometimes, we are better off.
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