6 months later, I feel like it just happened.

My Mom passed January 20th. I am physically disabled, I lived with her my whole life. I'm 50. She was my only support. I was just me and her... And our dog.

She had no will, so for the next month, I had to  cancel accounts, start new accounts in my name, try to work out getting bills paid, and run to social services looking for help. I was constantly worried about where I'd live. Can someone help me keep my home?!

I felt kind of numb at that time a good part of the time. I felt sadness at times cried, but kept going. I had to I told myself.

My dog was upset too. I took care of her. Told her it's you and me against the world.

For 6 month I had been getting by. Then my brother, who was no a support but more of a nag tells me he can't help me pay the rent anymore. I had to leave my house.

For weeks, I've been throwing out 25 years of my family's life. Living in a shell of my home. Waiting to get evicted with no place to go. Then 2 weeks ago, my dog, my only support died.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm scared. I'm crying for her. It feels like I've lost everything. It's like my Mom just died. I don't think I really grieved her because I was so busy.

I feel completely drained. Can't eat. Have no hope. Cry all the time.

I never really just had someone hold me, comfort me while I cry. No one did things for me. It was just me on autopilot.

Now I'm scared because it feels like I'm grieving, 6 months later, like it just happened.

I feel like no one will understand. I joined a day program for therapy. But I'm scared because with depression they assume, you've been lying around crying, watching, TV and they encourage you to do things. I've been doing for 6 months! I can't do anymore. I want to cry, to have someone take care of me while I indulge myself. There's no one there to take care of me. Not even my dog. I miss her so much. She was all I had. She gave me love. She was my buddy. Now I dont even have her with me. I keep thinking she's there and then I remember she's gone.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. No more dealing with the house! I dont care what happens with the rest of the stuff, I dont care what they do with it. I can't go to anymore agencies, I just can't.

I'm scared because it's 6 months and I'm afraid people won't understand. They'll think I've been grieving this whole time.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 23, 2016 at 4:24pm

im so sorry abot yor losss  im disbld pesn 2 i am i no im goan loz my chld hud hom i am wish gt me terfd u cud say its wear iv bean saf sisne i wz a kid but mums demsa getin wors u cud say im terfid of bean pt su wear i dnt no 

i dnt ev n lk chang u cud say sisne lozin m dad in 2012 my lifs bean 1 loss aftr anrt loss u cud say thn s 1 els died in famly ths wk thy did wish brngs it all bk 

yea i undstnd i do i feal tefid of movin i do 

Permalink Reply by Sue Sedia on July 24, 2016 at 10:53am

I'm sorry you are having a hard time as well.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 24, 2016 at 2:15pm

its finly hitin hom sue i wish i cud go 2 2011 wear my lig wz ok my dad wz aliv i flt saf i did

nw im nervs wec u cud say very nervs wec cnt stp shakin on/off 

i feal lk kid its cryin in seasid or parkc i cnt fnd my daddy its wot i feal lk lk alll s adlt kids do we so losssss we r 

mums desa wrn wown me ort u cud say im so low 2 day 

Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on August 23, 2016 at 2:34pm

So many things have hit you all at once, it's no wonder you feel as you do. And now, also losing the house. I've also had multiple losses that brought me down to my knees and made me feel that life just isn't worth the effort. These losses happened over three years ago and I'm still feeling the fallout. I'm going to have to move, too, although I don't know where and haven't the energy for it. I don't know where I can afford to live and I'm worried about finances, as the depression affected me so badly that I haven't really worked too much because of it. I can't say what a future holds for me without the ones I've loved more than life. I've forced myself through each day in a sort of numbed stupor. I try to grasp the small moments of happiness life still has to offer, but cannot find any peace of mind. The losses have created an anxiety state that I feel during almost every waking moment. I'm sure you will find the emotional support on this site, that you cannot find in the outside world which seems so foreign to us. 

Permalink Reply by Sue Sedia on August 31, 2016 at 12:54pm

thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time too. 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 28, 2016 at 6:37pm

I'm sorry.  {{{{hugs}}}}

Have the social services been of any help in finding you a place to live and maybe getting you other services (food stamps, welfare, grief counseling, whatever you want and need along those lines)? You said you are disabled -- in that case, maybe you are entitled to a social worker to help advocate on your behalf?

Also, I don't know if this is something you would want to consider or not, but I'll mention it just in case -- maybe once things settle down for you a bit and you have some more stability, you might want to consider adopting another dog, rescuing one from a shelter.  For some people that is helpful, for others it is not; if you think it might be helpful for you, it's something to consider.

Permalink Reply by Sue Sedia on August 31, 2016 at 12:55pm

Thank you.  I thought about getting a dog someday. Right now I can't really think about it because of my situation but eventually it would be nice.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on August 29, 2016 at 2:27pm

Hello Sue,

I am very sorry for your loss and for all the many problems that you're facing on top of your grief. Hang in there.

Sending you healing vibes, Trina

Permalink Reply by Sue Sedia on August 31, 2016 at 12:55pm

Thank you

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